By Any Other Name
by JLynnB
Summary: In 'The Habitation Configuration' Sheldon told Penny that it took Leonard to make him like her. So what would happen if Leonard didn't move into apartment 4A before the Pilot episode?
1. Prologue

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Staircase Implementation'

xTBBTx

_2006:_

The apartment door closed and immediately Leonard Hofstadter's mind went into overdrive. In the few minutes he'd been at 2311 N. Los Robles Ave. he'd encountered a seemingly deranged man in the lobby and a very imposing transvestite. Neither individual was the punch line of this adventure, however, as both had indicated there was someone far stranger he had yet to meet.

Leonard softly cleared his throat and straightened the collar of his blue nylon jacket before crossing the hall and knocking at apartment 4A. The door opened just enough to let a tall, gangly man wearing a black Flash t-shirt over a green longer-sleeved shirt, brown pants and white sneakers wedge into the space.

"Yes?" the man said quietly.

"Dr. Cooper? I'm Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said—"

"I know what I said," replied Sheldon in a hurried monotone as if the whole exchange was painful. "I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March fifth, nineteen ninety two. You're one knock redundant."

"What?"

"You knocked four times. Three is optimal as it's long enough to grab one's attention without being annoying."

"Ah. Sorry." Leonard cocked his head in an attempt to capture Sheldon's eyes but aside from the initial glance at his face the blue orbs seemed fixated on the shorter man's shoulder. _I wonder if he's shy or autistic?_ "So, anyways I—"

"What is the sixth noble gas?"

"Huh?"

Sheldon's mouth twitched in disapproval. "You called yourself a scientist. 'Huh' is not an acceptable response." He made to close the door.

"Uh, radon!" blurted Leonard. The door opened.

"You really should do something about your guttural emphases." Sheldon's eyes briefly met Leonard's. "Kirk or Picard?"

_At least he's a Star Trek fan_. "Oh, uh, well, that's tricky. Um"—he caught Sheldon's raised eyebrow. "I swear I'm smart!" Leonard cleared his throat. "Original Series over Next Generation but Picard over Kirk."

The taller man nodded. "Correct. You've passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter."

Leonard walked in and immediately noted the sparse conditions. In the middle of the room were two lawn chairs, a television and round industrial spools which functioned as a coffee table and lamp stand. A quick glance revealed whiteboards stacked under the large window and more against the west wall. The only sign of personalized whimsy came in the form of a large DNA model that sat on the floor next to the book shelf.

"Oh, this is pretty nice," he said diplomatically. "Uh"—he mentally slapped himself—"the bedrooms are back there?"

"That depends," Sheldon said evenly.

Leonard grinned, absolutely amused at the situation. "I don't understand; their existence is conditional?"

"No," Sheldon said slowly and to Leonard's mind rather patronizingly. "But your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers."

"There's three?"

"Each more daunting than the last," the lanky man said. "Have a seat." Leonard made to sit down. "No! That's where I sit!"

The experimental physicist gave a little sigh. This was going to be a hell of an interview.

XxX

Leonard stepped out of the apartment and into the hall—_more like into reality_—and pressed the elevator button. Granted the apartment was the nicest he'd seen and the rent was reasonable but Dr. Sheldon Cooper was almost certainly nuts.

"Who the hell schedules their poop time?" he tsked. The door opened and he stepped in the elevator and pressed for the lobby. There was that bachelor apartment near Raj's place. Maybe Leonard should give it another look-see?

After all, it might be small but at least it wasn't full of crazy.

The door closed and the elevator descended.

xTBBTx

Penny's feet barely touched the ground as she all but floated into the building's elevator and pressed the eleventh floor.

"Hi!" she said to the elderly man next to her and flashed a devastating smile. "Nice sunny day, huh? Although most days are sunny here so I guess I should have said 'another nice, sunny day'."

"That it is," chuckled the man.

"We just moved here from Nebraska and oh my God it's amazing here," gushed Penny. The elevator door opened and she stepped out. "Take care!"

The man watched her hips sashay in the red Capri pants as she walked.

"Definitely amazing," he smirked.

Penny went down the hall and turned the corner to the apartment. To _their_ apartment. She sighed happily and put her key into the lock and opened the door.

"Honey, I'm home!" she bellowed.

"Someone's in a good mood," said a male voice from the bedroom. Penny dumped her purse on a stack of boxes and ventured to the room to see her boyfriend setting the box spring on top of the replacement board of their bed frame. He looked up. "So?"

"Mission accomplished!" She cleared her throat. "Starting Thursday I am an official waitress at The Cheesecake Factory!"

"That's one down. One to go."

"You'll get that job, Kurt," Penny said soothingly. "You bounced back in Nebraska and you're big enough for the job." Kurt laughed.

"'Big enough for the job', huh? I'll show you big enough."

In two strides he was across the room; with a squeal Penny turned to dart down the hall only to be lifted high into the air. He turned her around and pressed her to the wall, massively muscled arms on either side of her blocking any attempt at escape. Their lips crashed together as Penny's arms slid around his neck.

So far everything was working according to her plan: drive out from Omaha to Los Angeles, find an apartment, get a job. The only thing left to do was get that movie career she'd always wanted. Kurt had been reluctant to move since it was half way across the country. What if they didn't get jobs? What if he didn't become a personal trainer and her, a movie star? She told him not to worry, she had a backup plan: become a television star. That seemed good enough for him—not so much for Penny's parents.

There'd been weeks of arguments when Penny dropped out of community college in order to prepare for her move and budding 'movie career'. After much deliberation and shooting up of several cans behind the barn her parents realized they couldn't stop her and so let her go with the hope that she'd come to her senses after a few months and return home. While Kurt wasn't exactly a family favorite Wyatt was at least comforted by the young man's ability to protect Penny with his muscle bound physique.

Penny broke the kiss and gave a Cheshire grin.

"Let's test that board of yours," she purred.

"The one under the mattress or in my pants?"

In a matter of moments there was a pile of clothing in the hall and two bodies entwined on the bed.


	2. The Many Worlds Collision

A/N: I'm a TBBT nostalgic and with this story I really want to celebrate an aspect of the show that, to me, makes it shine: the Shenny relationship. I debated over on ShennyHQ (a great place for meeting show nostalgics, Sheldon purists and of course our ever lovin' Shenny 'shippers) whether to make this a romance or 'just a friendship' fic but it came to me that downplaying their friendship misses the point: Sheldon and Penny are first and foremost friends and it's from that point that the added chemistry of two stubborn and passionate people genuinely liking and loving each other has springboarded an entire following of Shenny 'shippers and writers. To understand Shenny is to know that it isn't vested in a romantic endgame it's the journey and what a journey it is with sarcasm and glaring looks. Prank wars and adhesive ducks.

Penny has truly taken her 'whackadoodle' Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before.

…

Thanks again to Rene' for looking over yet another attempt at a short story gone horribly astray. Your council is legendary and appreciated.

For Zelha, who wrote such a warm and wonderful letter. I've taken your suggestion and run with it regarding Penny's career (so mum's the word!). It's not the sequel you wanted to 'Daily Occurrences' but I hope you like it nonetheless. *Lynn

Each day is separated by a **xTBBTx**. Note that the days are NOT consecutive.

Events happening on the same day are separated by a **XxX**.

Of course I don't own The Big Bang Theory. I just like to play in their world.

xTBBTx

_Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. –_Anais Nin, _The Diary of Anais Nin _

…

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Plimpton Stimulation'; 'The Higgs Boson Observation'; 'The Staircase Implementation'; 'The Luminous Fish Effect'; 'Pilot'

****Two Years Later****

Sheldon removed his sleep mask before reaching across to silence the alarm. He returned to his prone position and carefully moved his feet up and down. Next he raised his arms several times. Satisfied that he hadn't strained anything in the night he sat up and pulled back the blankets. He rolled his feet in a circular motion before slipping them into his slippers. Tilting his head back, he rocked it from side to side before making a complete circle. As he stood Sheldon began rolling his shoulders and wrists.

"Vocal test. Morning vocal test." He winced. _Off by one note_. He cleared his throat. "Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test." Now satisfied he put on his housecoat and made his way down the hall to the washroom. On top of the toilet tank was a tub of antibacterial cloths; he pulled one out and used it to raise the toilet seat. He then reached into his pajama pants for his penis in order to complete his mission.

"Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in." He completed his job. "And shake twice for Texas." Sheldon pulled out another wipe and flushed the toilet. He then wiped down the seat. Crossing over to the sink he applied antibacterial soap to his hands before turning on the tap. After rinsing his hands he dried them with his Monday towel and proceeded to shave.

After he had finished and cleaned up he departed for the kitchen. He went to the cupboard and pulled out his juice glass before opening the refrigerator and pouring himself a half glass of pulp-free orange juice. As he drank he consulted his daily fecal chart. According to the shape, colour and consistency of yesterday's bowel movements he should pick a cereal in the mid-range of fiber content.

Once his cereal was properly measured and combined with a quarter cup milk Sheldon ventured with bowl and glass in hand to his lawn chair and sat. He turned on the tv to the weather network and set the remote on the table before applying antibacterial cleanser to his hands.

As he ate he watched the forecast, the meteorologist giving a ten percent chance of rain. While that might not seem much it still wasn't zero percent and as he spent time working with quantum numbers he knew an awful lot happened between one and zero. He'd bring an umbrella.

He turned off the television, gathered his dishes and made his way to the sink to wash them. Sheldon checked the time on the stove. Five to eight. His bowel was once again like clockwork.

Sheldon went to the washroom and got out his bathroom equipment. As he went he donned a pair of latex gloves before opening a ziplock bag and pulling out a metal ruler. The physicist got up and measured his excrement before returning the ruler to its bag. He then pinched the feces with his fingers to note consistency. Now satisfied he again sat and stripped off his gloves so he could finish cleaning himself.

After washing his hands he stripped and filled the foot bowl with warm water and antibacterial soap. He turned on the shower before stepping into the bowl and swishing his feet. Approximately one minute later he went into the tub and closed the curtain. He lathered himself, first with a bar of Ivory soap then a second time with Ivory shower gel, all the while letting the Johnson's Baby Shampoo with its no more tears formula sit in his hair.

Once clean he exited the tub and dried himself with a towel before dumping the foot bowl water. He then sprayed the bowl with bleach before proceeding to coat the shower walls, tub and curtain.

He stood back behind the tape line in front of the sink and flossed and brushed his teeth before putting his toothbrush back under the UV light in its plexiglass case.

Grabbing his clothes he padded into his bedroom and put them in the hamper before venturing to his closet and dresser to pick out his Monday apparel. Monday meant 'Green Lantern' and since this was the first Monday that meant an original Green Lantern shirt. Sheldon applied deodorant and talc to his person before dressing, slipping on his shoes after donning his bus pants and tan windbreaker.

Back in the living room he recorded his fecal findings on the refrigerator chart before slinging his messenger bag across his body. Sheldon went to the front door, grabbed his keys and umbrella and checked his watch. He was thirty five seconds early.

He waited.

Thirty five seconds later he opened the door and turned out the lights before locking up.

Dr. Sheldon Cooper was on his way.

XxX

Sheldon hated the bus. It wasn't just a biohazard on wheels; its very nature was contrary to his own. Oh sure, it was _supposed_ to follow a schedule, but did it arrive at eight forty? No. Sometimes it was eight forty two or eight thirty eight. Then there was that day it came at eight thirty five. He had to run for it and twisted his ankle. The Pasadena Transit Authority got an earful for that one.

Then there was the problem of stopping for other passengers. As he could only approximate the amount of people boarding and disembarking from the bus as well as the average speed of the vehicle itself the whole affair quickly devolved into entropic chaos. Either he'd be on time or late for work as he didn't have the ability to be both simultaneously like Schrodinger's cat.

There was a plethora of banal chattering around him and he did his best to ignore it by looking out the window. It was the same route he'd travelled for four years. With his eidetic memory he remembered each shop and house just like he could tell in a glance how many new people there were on the bus when he boarded.

Fortunately the woman with red pigtails and an incessant need to say "well, duh, yeah" into her phone every twenty seconds was here and would disembark with him at the university. Not that he cared for her company; he loathed ringing the bell cord after he'd once taken a cotton swab to it and had determined its bacterial count.

Sheldon undid the bungee cords that lashed him to his seat and tucked them into his messenger bag as the bus came to a stop. He exited and waited for the light before crossing onto campus. Caltech was his first choice in where he wanted to work as it was both close to and far away from Galveston. Not that he visited his hometown often; indeed it was at his mother's insistence that he 'got his caboose on the train' to visit family.

That was three years ago.

He arrived at the physics building and proceeded to the faculty mailboxes. As he opened the door he inwardly sighed as Shirley, the department secretary, was busy sliding papers into the boxes.

"Hello, Dr. Cooper," she said in a friendly manner. She'd learned the hard way not to say 'good morning' as he'd badgered her into explaining her reasons for determining why the day was 'good' as opposed to ordinary.

"Ms. Grant," he replied as he opened his box, causing Shirley to smile. Dr. Cooper was the only one to call her that.

Sheldon took out his sole piece of mail: a memo reminding people that the application for department head deadline was this Friday. He slipped it into the recycling bucket and left.

All the way down the various corridors he encountered other faculty members and gave a curt acknowledgement where necessary but for the most part he passed in silence as people knew his discomfort with the whole greeting process.

He fished out his keys, unlocked his office door and entered. His eyes gave a quick scan of the room and once he was satisfied that nothing was touched he crossed over to his desk and set his messenger bag and umbrella on the floor next to his chair. Grabbing an antibacterial cloth from a dispenser on his desk he wiped the light switch. He then took off his bus pants, folded it and placed it in a reusable shopping bag and stuck it in the corner. Next out was his own sanitizer as he slowly lathered his hands. Satisfied with his state of cleanliness he settled himself down to business and read over his work on the whiteboards.

As he lost himself in the numbers the tension in his body subsided. Gone were the nagging thoughts of the germ content of his surroundings and the distraction of being in close proximity with so many people. Here on his whiteboards was solitude, where his Beautiful Mind transported itself into the very heart of the Early Universe.

A thought came to him and Sheldon went to another board and quickly jotted it down, letters and numbers forming a complex equation across its surface. He stood back and pondered.

"Still not right," he muttered. The black hole information paradox was a real puzzler; no wonder Hawking and others failed to solve it. Of course they weren't Sheldon Cooper.

The lanky man returned to his first board and resumed his work.

XxX

"I'm sorry but your rice-to-raisin ratio is unacceptable," Sheldon tsked to the cashier as he held up a bowl of rice pudding. "Over the past year and a half since the hiring of the new kitchen manager the raisin count has declined by thirty two percent. I know; I counted."

"So take it up with him," the lady said as she punched through his salmon on whole wheat bread and bottled water. She indicated the pudding. "Do you want that?"

"Such a dynamic question. 'Do I want it'? Yes, I do want rice pudding. You advertize having rice pudding and yet this"—again he held it up—"isn't rice pudding. If anything it's an egg-rice casserole."

"Hey," said a voice from behind. Sheldon turned to see a short man with a bowl haircut, bright red pants with a large alien head buckle, a red checkered shirt and dicky. "Do you mind? We're all on a schedule here."

"Good point." Sheldon turned to the cashier. "The sooner the manager gets here the sooner we can all enjoy our lunch and get back to work."

The cashier rolled her eyes.

XxX

"Nice of you to join us," smirked Raj as an exasperated Howard set his tray on the lunch table.

"Yeah, well it's not my fault. I was stuck behind a whole whack of crazy," he growled as he opened his bottled water.

Leonard looked around warily. "I didn't see Professor Rothman."

"No. A lot taller and a whole lot whackier. Well except for the urine thing." Howard indicated Sheldon, who sat alone at another table. "Over there. Looks like a praying mantis. He said the raisin count was unsatisfactory in the rice pudding."

"Oh my God," said Leonard incredulously. "That's the guy I told you about when I was looking for an apartment. That's Sheldon Cooper."

Raj casually turned so he could take in the tall man. Sheldon seemed normal enough although he did have an enormous stack of napkins on his tray.

"Green Lantern shirt. Nice," he said as he returned to his friends.

"No wonder he went on about the raisin count messing with his fiber content," chuckled Howard.

"Complete nut job," agreed the experimental physicist. "So anyways, I was on the Star Trek message board last night and this guy was counting the amount of ethnic comments on the Original Series. He went into Scott's use of 'haggis'—"

Raj nodded. "And he calls his engines his 'bairns'."

"Then there's Chekov with his 'nuclear wessels'," chuckled the engineer.

As the trio laughed Sheldon rolled his eyes. Chekov's pronunciation was not an 'ethnic comment' in its pure form. If this was the type of precision thinking they did he truly wept for the department that hired them.

He heard everything they said—including their comments about him. Not that it mattered to Sheldon; he'd been called crazy more times than he could count. No, that's not true. It was four hundred and sixty three if he just added up the word 'crazy'. If he totaled the actual references to his mental state that'd be over a thousand.

Okay, twelve hundred and seventeen.

Of course the joke was on them. Sheldon's mom had him tested and he had passed the sanity quotient. A sudden thought came to him that she never mentioned by how much but he shrugged it off as he moved aside his strawberry sundae. He'd decided to go with that after receiving no satisfaction regarding the rice pudding.

Sheldon pulled his Tardis pen out of his pocket and scribbled down bits of formulas on the napkins as he ate. Granted this wasn't the time or place to be doing work but when an idea struck all else fell to the wayside.

"…Then Spock said 'fascinating' in 'The Changeling' so that's thirty seven," added Leonard.

"I think that about covers it," said Howard.

Raj shrugged. "I think there's more."

"Any time you want to add more, go for it," the engineer prodded.

"Let's do another one," Raj pouted.

"How about the number of times Chekov falsely attributes something to Russia?" offered Leonard.

"He said 'Alice in Wonderland' was Russian in 'Who Mourns for Adonais' and claimed the Garden of Eden myth in 'The Apple'," began the astrophysicist.

"There was the little old lady in Leningrad who invented scotch," said Howard.

"I think there's one more." Raj perked up. "In 'Friday's Child' he claims the phrase 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'."

Leonard was satisfied. "Okay, next topic: how many ti—"

"Chekov also claimed Sherman's Planet was mapped by Ivan Burkoff," added a voice with a slight East Texas twang. The trio turned to see Sheldon in the midst of tossing out his garbage. "And if you include movies he also mentioned 'Cinderella' in 'The Undiscovered Country'." He placed his tray on the counter and turned to go but instead halted and faced the other men.

"And FYI Spock said 'Fascinating' forty-nine times. You're missing 'Spock's Brain', 'Is There In Truth No Beauty', 'Spectre of the Gun', 'That Which Survives', 'By Any Other Name', 'Mirror, Mirror', 'The Gamesters of Triskelion', 'The Changeling', 'Patterns of Force', 'The Book' and Star Trek The Motion Picture concerning V'ger, Wrath of Khan concerning Genesis and upon arrival at Sha Ka Ree in The Final Frontier. Oh, and you counted 'The Omega Glory' twice."

Sheldon exited the cafeteria.

XxX

Sheldon entered 2311 N. Los Robles Avenue with a bag of Thai food and proceeded to get his mail before entering the elevator and pressing for the fourth floor. He dug out his keys from his pocket and when the doors opened he stepped out only to be distracted by movement to his right. He was stock still as he took in a young woman with blunt cut blonde hair that was much too blonde unless she was of Scandinavian descent which was completely ridiculous given her facial bone structure. She was wearing a baby blue t-shirt, cut off jean shorts like the type his sister Missy wore—although Missy's legs hadn't looked so…proportional—and flip-flops. The woman picked up a picture frame from a box and spotted the physicist in the hall. He lowered his eyes and made to turn away.

"Hi!" she said enthusiastically.

"Hello." Sheldon went to unlock his door.

"So you're my neighbor," she grinned.

"As I'm opening the door with a key instead of kicking it in that would be a logical assumption." He straightened and glanced in her general direction. "However I could as easily be a friend or relative looking after the apartment or else a mugger come to further loot his victim."

She leaned against her doorframe. "I don't think muggers bring take-out to the scene of the crime."

"Point."

"I'm Penny."

_Drat_. He knew he should have left before they were officially introduced.

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper," he said evenly and went to enter his apartment.

"Wow. Nice to know there's a doc around in case of an emergency."

His hand froze on the knob. "I'm a physicist not a physician."

"Ah. Math stuff." A twitch seemed to pass through Sheldon's frame before he again turned to her.

"Penny, it is my understanding that neighbors extend friendly banter as a courtesy."

"Sure," she said, although she was unsure as to where this was going.

"Please refrain from doing so. If you feel the need to blather it's been my experience that Mrs. Vartabedian in 3A has an equal penchant for inane conversation."

As she was wrapping her head around what he said Sheldon entered the apartment and closed his door. He turned the locks and set the food down on the stand next to the door before pulling out an antibacterial wipe from the dispenser and proceeded to wipe down the locks and his keys before placing the latter in a bowl. Next he took off his shoes and reached for the Lysol spray and thoroughly doused them in the antibacterial cloud. He then sprayed his socks before taking up his shoes and food and stepping off the floor mat into his apartment proper.

He walked by the table and set down the bag of food. Sheldon then entered his room and set his shoes on the shoe mat in his closet and placed his messenger bag and umbrella in the plastic tub he kept for contaminated objects. He stripped out of his bus pants, adding them to the bin before dabbing his hands with sanitizer. Taking up the bin, the physicist proceeded to the bathroom and disinfected the items. He hung them over the curtain rod and then spent the next three minutes washing and rewashing his hands.

The lanky man returned to his bedroom and donned his slippers and padded his way to the living room. He took out his food packets before depositing the bag in the garbage. After cleaning his hands he grabbed a fork and bottled water from the refrigerator before sitting down on the lawn chair. Taking up the remote he resumed his Battlestar Galactica dvd with commentary.

As he ate he could hear his new neighbor moving boxes and whatnot around her apartment. With a frown he upped the tv volume. Perhaps it would have been better to move his chair closer in order to prevent future hearing loss but the chair was positioned in the optimal spot and he couldn't bear to sit in a substandard location.

"I'm bringing sexy back," came an off-key caterwaul from the hall. "Ooo. Ooo."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. He missed Louis/Louise already.

"Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it, uhh, uhh, uhh."

With a growl the physicist set down his food and paused the dvd before getting up and marching to the door.

"Come let me make up for the things you lack. Ooo. Ooo."

Sheldon traded his inside slippers for his outside ones and stepped out of his apartment and across the hall. Penny looked up.

"Hey," she smiled. "What can I do for ya?"

"I'm not sure if the superintendent went over the neighbor relations and responsibilities in the lease but in case he hasn't I'd like to remind you that there is a noise ordinance in order that all residents can enjoy their abodes in relative peace," he said a tad briskly.

"Oh. Gotcha. Sorry about that. I'll close my door."

Sheldon gave a curt nod and went back to his apartment.

XxX

Sheldon's Log. Star Date 060601.

Ms. Grant greeted me. Again. I shall have to bring it up with Dr. Hester but the man seems to be disinterested in the whole affair. No wonder he's resigning as department head, he can't resolve the simplest of matters.

I had enough of the cafeteria passing off their 'rice pudding' as the genuine article but received no satisfaction from the kitchen manager. I wrote a letter to President Siebert regarding the incident and deposited it in his suggestion box.

I encountered Leonard Hofstadter and two associates in the cafeteria discussing Star Trek trivia. I had to correct them twice. It's a good thing Leonard didn't take the spare room. If he can't remember the amount of times Spock said 'fascinating' he really can't be considered a true Star Trek aficionado.

They all agreed that I was mentally unstable. They might mock me now but when the 'rice pudding' is rectified who'll be the one to laugh?

I have a new neighbor across the hall. Her name is Penny and from her accent I surmise she originates somewhere in the Midwest. She's also a deplorable singer and much chipper than I thought humanly possible outside of intoxication.

Bowel movements normal.

Temperature normal.

End Log.

xTBBTx

Sheldon's lips were pursed as he made his way down the hall. He wasn't a particular fan of the experimental physics wing—or experimental physicists in general—but need forced his hand.

He stopped in front of an open door and saw a brown curly-haired woman with glasses lining up a cup of ramen noodles in front of a laser.

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Dr. Winkle."

"Just a moment."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Dr. Winkle."

Leslie Winkle looked over at the gangly man wearing a Flash t-shirt and brown plaid pants with a frown.

"A minute," she hissed as she went to the laser and turned it on for a second and a half. Smiling, she reached for the hot cup of noodles. "Yes?" Sheldon didn't say anything. "Hello there!"

"You said you needed a minute," he replied evenly.

"Well, obviously I don't."

"This inability to judge time could explain the inaccuracies in your basic research." He knocked three times. "Dr. Winkle."

"What do you want?" she growled.

"I need the free electron laser."

Leslie tore off the cup's lid and blew on the noodles. "We all need the laser. Get on the list."

"Yes, I've looked over this 'list' and reject this willy-nilly style of research," said Sheldon as he folded his arms across his chest. "It should be based on scientific necessity."

"So where are you on the list?"

"Fourteenth."

"Sucks to be you," grinned the optical physicist, garnering a glare.

"Dr. Winkle, while I'm sure you think your experiments are noteworthy the free electron laser is meant for significant research."

"Excuse me?" Leslie jabbed her fork into the noodle cup. "Listen dumbass—"

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

"Whatever. Get out of my lab."

Sheldon looked dismissively at her noodles.

"Perhaps you should leave physics to the men so you can further explore your culinary skills in a proper kitchen."

"Out!"

Sheldon was beside himself. "We'll see what Dr. Hester has to say about this." He stormed out of the room and made a beeline to the department head's office.

"Hello, Dr. Cooper," Shirley said from behind her desk. "Can I help you with something?"

"That depends. Can you give me access to the free electron laser instead of that meanie, Dr. Winkle? Of course not, you're menial labor. As my Meemaw says why spend time with the monkey when it's the organ grinder that runs the show." Sheldon stepped beyond her to the department head's door.

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Dr. Hester?"

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Dr. Hester?"

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Dr. Hester?"

Silence

"I know you're in there. I heard you sigh."

"Come in Dr. Cooper," came the weary response.

Sheldon entered the office to find Dr. Gavin Hester working at his laptop.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the physicist said. "I didn't know you were working." Pause. "Of course I doubt it's anything significant so I'll only be a moment. Dr. Winkle is being uncooperative."

Dr. Hester raised his glasses high on his balding head and sat back in his chair.

"What did she do?" he asked.

"She won't give me her spot in line to use the free electron laser."

"There's a reason why we have a sign up sheet, Dr. Cooper. It staves off disputes."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Having the ability to sign one's name on a sheet is hardly a rational way to distribute a valuable resource."

Dr. Hester inwardly sighed. "So what do you propose?"

"Each candidate should submit a one thousand word synopsis of his or her research so that an order can be assigned according to merit."

"And just who is supposed to judge merit?"

"Normally that would fall under your paradigm as department head but from your disinterest in continuing your role much less delve into current research I doubt you'd be able to keep up," sniffed Sheldon.

"Well I'll 'keep' that in mind the next time we have a signup for equipment," Dr. Hester said curtly.

"Next time?" squawked the lanky man. "What about this time?"

"We'll just have to go with it for now."

"'Go with it'? What kind of hippy dippy science is that? 'Go with it'. Yes, let's just go with the early Church that the Earth was the center of the universe," Sheldon said excitedly. "Or perhaps we'll just concede that Einstein was right and that the universe is a cosmological constant despite the fact we all know it's expanding."

"Dr. Cooper, aside from bumping Dr. Winkle in line for the laser—which I'm not going to do—is there anything else you need?"

"What I need is a better department head," growled Sheldon as he stomped out of the room.

Dr. Hester sighed and ran a hand over his bald spot. Only two more months and he was out of there.

XxX

Penny entered the apartment lobby after a long shift at work. All she wanted to do was clean up and get things lined up for the weekend since this was her first one off in months. She took in Sheldon standing in front of the elevator with a package in hand and a messenger bag slung across his body.

"Hey Sheldon," she said cheerily as she stepped beside him.

"Dr. Cooper," he amended evenly without looking at her.

The elevator door opened and they both stepped in. It was in such close proximity that he noticed the faint smell of cheesecake emanating off his neighbor. His eyes flickered over her clothes and noted what looked like food stains on her yellow vest. She was more conservatively dressed than when he'd first encountered her although the buttons of her white blouse were strategically open to allow a glance at her cleavage.

Once at their floor the pair exited and went to their respective doors. Locks turned and in a moment the hall was empty.

Penny tossed her purse on the couch even as she slipped out of her shoes. Next to go was her uniform.

"Shower first. Food next," she murmured to herself while pulling out her silky shorts and chemise from under her pillow. Her phone sent out a call letting her know that she'd received a message. She raced into the living room to retrieve it, hoping against hope it was Kurt.

It was Gwen, wanting to know what the scoop was for tomorrow.

"Damn," Penny sighed as she flumped naked on the couch. Not that she wanted to actually talk to that cheating muscle-bound ass; she simply wanted her television.

She dialed her friend and waited.

"Hey, girlie, what's up? … You bet I'm ready. … Are you serious? … Wow…."

xTBBTx

"I'm bringing sexy back," Penny murmured as she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. She looked over her smoky colored eye makeup and rouge-a-licious lips. "Yeah." The Nebraskan turned her body first one way and then another to make sure she fit properly into her thigh-high purple halter dress with a peek-a-boo front. "Let me make up for the things you lack." She ran her hands under the tap before streaking her fingers through her blonde locks so that they'd remain straight.

"Hurry up, Pen," Gwen called from the living room. "The booze is gone. We've gotta fly-y-y-y."

Penny exited the washroom, grabbing her purse off the bed as she passed.

"I is here, bozz," the Nebraskan teased. She took the glass offered by her friend and they toasted. "To hot guys and hotter cars."

"Don't forget hottest nights," chortled the pixie cut brunette with an evil grin.

In response Penny downed her wine like it was a shot.

The two women exited the apartment.

"Mmm, something smells good," Gwen purred as Penny locked the door. "Is that banana bread?" Her friend sniffed the air.

"Think so." They waited for the elevator. "Guess Dr. C's a baker."

"Dr. C?"

"My neighbor. He's a doctor."

"Oh wow."

"Not that kinda doctor. He's just a math guy."

"Ah."

The doors opened and the ladies entered.

"Is he cute?" asked Gwen.

Penny recalled his blue eyes, broad forehead and pasty skin.

"He's not bad. But then he opens his mouth and it's game over." Gwen wove their arms together.

"Well for us ladies it's game on," she laughed.

They got into the waiting cab and as she settled herself in the back Penny caught the eyes of the cabby in the mirror and how they took in every ounce of her and then some. She smiled wickedly at him as Gwen gave him the address for the club.

The cabby had to ask her to repeat the address.

Penny chuckled to herself. _Oh, it's game on alright_.

XxX

The music pumped through her body as the Nebraskan twisted and turned on the dance floor. _This_ is what she needed. After all these weeks of drama with Kurt and no time off at work Penny was about ready to pull her hair out. _I'm just a simple girl who likes her beer and cornhuskers and that yummy guy in the Hilfiger shirt making his way to me._

"Hey!" he called with a friendly smile.

"Hey yourself!" she replied.

"Having a good time?"

"The best."

"Bet I could make it better."

"Oh really?" It'd been four years since Penny had flirted with a stranger. She'd forgotten the thrill.

"Let's start with a drink."

Penny laughed. "A lot of things start with a drink." She leaned forward. "I have to warn you I just broke up with my boyfriend."

The guy gave a crooked smile. "If angry sex is what it takes to get you over him I'm willing to sacrifice myself."

"Brave man," Penny purred as she slipped her hand in his.

xTBBTx

_Next time remember sunglasses_. Penny was all squints as she stepped into the elevator. She so totally didn't mean to go home with Gary? Cary? but he was so funny and uber hot that one thing led to another and—

"Walk. Of. Shame," she said mockingly.

All was quiet in the hall as she entered her apartment. Usually at this time of the morning she was out for her Sunday jog before doing the lunch rush at the restaurant. Granted, her normal rule was 'nothing before eleven am' but she found her Sunday jog really put a spring into her step at work. Plus it helped keep the Rocky Road off her hips.

She stripped out of her clothes and went straight into the shower. It was so different washing the scent of a man off of her that wasn't Kurt. Not that Cary? was a bad lay; in fact he went beyond the call of duty several times as if trying to make up for the mistakes made by every man she'd ever met. _He gets points for enthusiasm. Too bad he had to work this morning_.

Penny turned off the tap and dried herself off before venturing into her bedroom and flopping onto her bed. She felt like she could sleep the day away….

TOOT! TOOT!

"What the frak?" she blurted as she looked around her room. Silence. Must be something outside. The Nebraskan rolled onto her side and—

TOOT! TOOT!

_That is a damn train!_ She made to put her pillow on top of her head when it dawned on her that the apartment building was nowhere near a train track, so….

TOOT! TOOT!

She got out of bed, tossed on her pink bathrobe and went into the living room. It had to be coming from the hall. Her feet found the flip-flops.

TOOT! TOOT!

When she opened the apartment door there was the sound of a train clacking its way along a track coming from across the hall.

"Un-boleevable."

She knocked at 4A and waited. No response.

"Dr. C? Could you turn—"

TOOT! TOOT!

"Hey!" Penny pounded on the door. Suddenly the lock turned and she was face to face with a train engineer complete with hat, overalls, red bandana around the neck and scowl on his face.

"Yes?" Sheldon said gruffly.

She took a moment to let everything sink in.

"What the hell are you doing?" she sputtered.

"It's Sunday morning," he said as if it was an explanation.

"And?"

"I test run my train on Sunday mornings."

"Well, the whistles are kinda loud."

"They have to be, they're employed for safety," Sheldon tsked. Penny rolled her eyes.

"Look, can you just keep it down a little? I had a late night and—"

"I have been here four years, two months and nine days. Every Sunday morning, aside from my trip home in oh three and last year's run in with a rather nasty influenza on May seventeenth, has been designated train time. Moreover, you've already been here for two Sundays so you should know the drill."

"I was out both weeks," Penny snapped. "I'm here now."

"Ah. Sounds like a scheduling issue," nodded Sheldon. "Now that you know the routine you can make sure you're away on Sunday mornings."

"What?'

The physicist consulted his watch. "The nine fourteen is going to be behind schedule. Goodbye."

"But—" The door closed. Penny blinked several times to make sure she got what had just happened. _Train whistles. Engineer's cap. Sunday mornings._

TOOT! TOOT!

"Wow," spat the waitress before returning to her apartment.

xTBBTx

Star Trek facts: The Nitpicker's Guide For Classic Trekkers


	3. The Anyhoo Interjection

Reference to: 'Pilot'; 'The Big Bran Hypothesis'; 'The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization'; 'The Financial Permeability'

xTBBTx

Penny leaned the bag of groceries against the wall so she could get out her apartment key; at the same time a text message came to her phone.

"Terrific," she hissed as she turned the lock and entered. After placing the groceries on the counter she pulled out her phone.

The message was from her agent!

She had another audition for Penny!

"Yes!" said Penny with a fist pump.

Things were going exactly like how her psychic said it would after the Nebraskan's stretch of bad luck with Kurt. Penny flipped to her contact screen and called home.

"Hey Mama bird!"

"Hello ma belle. How are you? Did you get the cheque we sent?"

"Yeah. Just been too busy to cash it. I'll do it tomorrow."

"Okay. So. Another audition, huh?"

"How'd ya know?"

"You always have an audition lined up when you call."

"Huh. Never knew that."

"Too bad we never get a follow-up saying you got the job."

"Thanks a lot."

"Just sayin'. … Penny, come home."

"I don't want to. Things are finally looking up."

"Yeah but you're all by yourself out there."

"Just because I'm not with Kurt doesn't mean I'm alone, Mom. I've got friends, y'know."

"Part of the reason why we let you go was because of Kurt. Los Angeles is a dangerous place. Sometimes it's good to have a man at home to protect you."

"Even if he's a cheating ass?"

"Well, no. But that's just another reason why you should come home."

"Mom, you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine. My place is nice and…I've already met my neighbor. He's a little odd but—"

"He?"

"Don't worry, he's not a creep. He's a doctor, actually."

"Oh really? Is he single?"

"He's something. Anyhoo, I've gotta go. Cross your fingers for me!"

"Fingers crossed, my honey."

Penny hummed to herself as she put her groceries away. First she'd make dinner, then it was into the tub for a soak and some lavender oil in the diffuser.

"I am going to get this gig," Penny said firmly.

She had to.

xTBBTx

"Oh balls," growled Penny as she checked her phone. Things were so hectic at work this morning she'd missed a call—and what a call to miss! "What the frak am I going to do?" She opened the glass door and entered the apartment lobby. _Maybe he'd…?_ Penny snorted. "Yeah as if." She checked the time on her phone and bit her lip as she ran through her extremely limited options. Her eyes spotted the parcel at the mail box and with a hopeful heart she picked it up. _Yes! It's for him!_ Maybe this wouldn't seal the deal but it should at least get her foot in the door.

She entered the elevator and proceeded to her floor.

Penny took a breath before stepping over to 4A. He really was her only hope. She knocked and waited.

"Yes?" came a voice from behind the door.

Penny held up the parcel. "Got a package for ya. I—"

The door swung open.

"That's my mail," Sheldon hissed.

"I know. I saw it and—"

"You didn't have permission to take it. You've interfered in the delivery of mail which is a federal offense and—"

"Whoa, whoa, easy there," Penny soothed as she handed over the package. "It's okay. Picking up parcels are just things neighbors do for each other. Nothing illegal."

"So you claim," the physicist mumbled as he checked the package for signs of tampering. "And FYI none of my other neighbors picked up my parcels."

"Well that was rather unneighborly of them."

"Actually it was more than acceptable. Hand delivering my mail sets up a dangerous situation whereby reciprocity and further communication is expected."

Penny blinked. "Anyhoo—"

"How."

"Huh?"

"You said 'anyhoo'. It's anyhow."

"Ah." Here she chuckled. "I know that. Anyhoo's kinda my thing."

"I see. Good evening."

"Wait!" cried Penny even as she put her palm on the door. "I was kinda hoping you could do me a tiny favor." Sheldon rolled his eyes.

"And so it begins. What is it you require?"

"I've got an audition this afternoon and the furniture company said they're delivering my entertainment unit today at five thirty so I won't be home," she said a tad distractedly as she tried to catch Sheldon's eyes. The physicist was having none of that, however.

"When and where is your audition?"

"Five o'clock in Irvine."

Sheldon nodded. "You're right. You won't make it."

_Here we go!_ "That's why I was hoping you could sign for it and—"

The lanky man shook his head. "Oh, I couldn't do that."

"Please Sheldon."

"Dr. Cooper."

Penny adjusted the straps of her purse on her shoulder.

"You'll be home and I can't get anyone else to do it," she pleaded.

"Penny," the physicist said in a tone that made her think she was getting lectured by her high school history teacher. "By signing the document I make myself legally responsible for your item until you return." Now it was her turn to roll her eyes.

"It's no big deal," she sighed.

"'No big deal'?" squawked Sheldon. "Written contracts endorsed by a signature ensures a—"

"Look Dr. C."

"Dr. Cooper," he said tersely. "Is there something wrong with your aural or comprehension skills?"

"It's not that. I—Look I don't have time. I swear I won't sue you if something happens to it."

Sheldon slowly shook his head. "Oh if only it was that simple."

"Please?" Green eyes met blue.

The physicist let out a big sigh.

"You'll need to sign a contract. One moment."

He closed the door, leaving Penny alone in the hall. She again checked her phone. _Okay if I leave now that means I take the I-5 S. That should give me plenty of time to find where I'm supposed to go_.

Time went by.

"Come on," she murmured under her breath.

As if on cue the door opened and her weird neighbor stood before her in his black Superman logo t-shirt and red thermal holding out a clip board and pen.

"What's this?" Penny asked as she took the proffered items.

"A waiver resolving me of all responsibility for your package in the event of loss, theft or damage," Sheldon explained as she glanced over the document.

"Great," she said as she signed it. "Here's my keys. Leave it—"

Sheldon took a step back. "Your keys?"

"Well yeah, I can't have them leave my stuff in the lobby. I'll tell them to ring you and you can let them in and—"

"Oh, this is quite unacceptable," Sheldon said excitedly as he took back the clipboard and pen.

"What now?" Penny sighed.

"You're allowing access to your apartment. Suppose the delivery men incapacitate me and steal your valuables? Or you accuse me of theft?"

"I wouldn't do that." Sheldon raised an eyebrow even as his blue eyes flickered over her face. "Hurry up," growled Penny.

Again the door closed and she waited.

Five minutes later Sheldon opened the door and before he could get out more than "Here's the—" Penny grabbed the pen and signed the paper without reading it and put the keys on clip board and handed the kit and caboodle back to the lanky man.

"Thanks Dr. C!" she grinned before racing down the stairs.

"Dr. Cooper!" he called after her before firmly closing his door.

XxX

The elevator door opened and Sheldon stepped out into the lobby to find two hulking men standing next to a large cardboard package he took to be Penny's unassembled shelving unit. The lead man with a scruffy blonde beard handed Sheldon a clipboard.

"Sign here," he said gruffly.

Sheldon glanced at the page and in that instant had thoroughly read the document.

"But you haven't delivered the item," he replied evenly.

"It's here, isn't it?" growled the delivery guy.

"That's exactly my point," Sheldon replied. "It's here as opposed to upstairs in apartment 4B which is the address of the purchaser as indicated on your receipt. Until the item is there I can't sign the form as the delivery's incomplete." The two delivery men stared incredulously as the physicist stepped over to the elevator and pressed the button. "Chop, chop, I have to order dinner."

The two men grabbed a corner of the unit and made to follow.

"You'll have to take the stairs," Sheldon said as the elevator doors opened. "Your parcel's too big to fit into the elevator."

"Let us decide that," the bald-headed mover snapped.

"Alright," Sheldon said with an amused look and a Texas twang. "Let me just get out of your way." He stepped into the elevator. "Fourth floor, gentlemen."

The doors closed and he could hear the bald headed mover call him an asshole.

"'Professional' movers, indeed," tutted Sheldon.

XxX

The director's assistant came through the doors, taped a call-back sheet to the wall and retreated before a small horde of blonde-haired aspiring actresses pressed in to see if they were on the list.

"Twenty-two. Come on twenty-two," mumbled Penny as her eyes scanned the list.

There was a twenty and twenty-seven.

No twenty two.

XxX

Sheldon turned on the light in Penny's apartment and recoiled in horror at the sight of clothes and papers and ramen noodle cups and dirty dishes strewn about the place.

The two movers set the unit on the floor.

"Good enough?" asked the bald-headed man.

"Based on the conditions 'good enough' seems to be the apartment's motto," shuddered the physicist. He took a breath and stepped into the room so as to better inspect the package.

"Can we go now?" growled grizzly beard.

"It all seems to be intact, although I am putting in a note as to the tardiness of the delivery," said Sheldon as he signed the form. Grizzly beard tore him a receipt and stormed off with his companion.

Sheldon stood there in silence in the midst of all this—chaos.

"Good Lord it's like a mature throat culture in a life-size Petrie dish."

Quickly he turned off the light and stepped into the hall. He held the keys between his thumb and pointer finger at arm's length as he crossed over to his apartment. After a thorough decontamination of himself he deposited her keys in a zip lock bag and set it by the door.

"'Need a waiver' to enter," he chuckled to himself as Sheldon sat at the computer to order his pizza. "Given the conditions of her abode how would she even know if she was robbed?" He selected his standard order. "Why would a person have a tray of eating utensils on her couch? And why does her couch face the door?"

Sheldon sat in his lawn chair and fitfully watched television.

"If anything she should insist on a waiver before anyone stepped into her apartment and twisted an ankle."

He checked his watch before returning his gaze to the tv.

His mouth twitched and he gripped the arms of his chair to better control himself.

"Does she not own any hangers or a laundry hamper or a sack or a garbage bag or—" Sheldon stopped short and mentally counted to ten before turning to glare at his apartment door.

XxX

Penny dragged her feet out of the elevator. She had no idea how this day could be any worse. Not only did she not get the job, she was stuck in rush hour traffic, Kurt called to cancel on her again for getting the tv and the grocery store was out of her favorite cookies.

Her eyes flickered to her neighbor's door. She'd get her keys later. Right now all she wanted was a glass—okay a bottle—of wine and her fleecy pants and—

The thought stopped where it was as she opened her apartment door, turned on the light and nearly dropped her purse. After a moment she rushed over to Sheldon's door and loudly knocked.

"Sheldon!" He opened the door. "What the hell did you do?"

"I went to work. I came home. I ordered pizza with mushrooms, light oliv—"

"I mean my apartment!" the waitress gasped.

"Ah. Your entertainment unit arrived at five twenty three but wasn't officially delivered until—"

"Sheldon, you cleaned my apartment!"

"Dr. Cooper and no, I didn't 'clean' your apartment. That would require several antibacterial products. I merely organized."

"You touched my stuff and"—here Penny blanched at the thought of her underwear strewn about the room—"oh my God, you didn't go into my bedroom did you?"

"Certainly not," said Sheldon with a look of distaste. "That requires a fortitude I don't possess."

"I didn't want you to do this," Penny hissed.

"I don't want to live across the hall from a festering pool of entropic chaos," the physicist sniffed in response.

"And you moved my furniture!"

"I optimized your living space."

Penny stuck out her hand. "My keys." Sheldon handed them to her—in a baggy. "Thanks for being the perfect ending to a perfect day," she spat.

"You're welcome," he said and closed the door.

Eyes rolling, Penny returned to her apartment and flumped down on her newly repositioned couch. She took in her clean floor, stacked magazines on the coffee table and the assembled entertainment unit to her left.

"It does look better," she conceded. A little laugh escaped from her lips.

"I wonder if he does windows?"

xTBBTx

Frowning, Sheldon placed his presoaked laundry in the laundry basket. This was hardly a time to have an epiphany. He gathered the rest of his laundry and ventured into the living room.

The whiteboard taunted him.

His eye twitched even as his lips pursed. He looked at his watch: eight fourteen. Sheldon proceeded out the door just as his neighbor was locking up her apartment.

"Hi," Penny said amiably as she sasheyed over in her platform heels to the elevator.

"Hello." Sheldon did his best to will the elevator to the floor.

"Guess someone else has something on the go," smiled Penny as she took in his anxious state. "I'm sure the laundry machines are empty."

The physicist glanced in her direction. "Of course they are. I use them every Saturday at eight fifteen."

"Ah." Penny pulled at the cuff of her long-sleeved purple dress. "I'm going dancing. Y'know, not much to do tonight. You?"

"I don't dance."

The waitress giggled. "No, I mean what are you doing tonight?"

"I already told you, it's laundry night," replied Sheldon. "Although you should have been able to surmise that by the basket of dirty laundry and detergent I'm carrying."

The elevator arrived and they both entered.

"I mean besides that."

Sheldon cocked his head, noting the scent of green apple. "Is this banal chatter or are you genuinely interested?"

"Uh, interested."

"Well, once my laundry's under way I plan to mull further about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. Then when my laundry's finished I'll spend the rest of my evening on the DC comics message board."

"Sounds like fun," Penny said diplomatically.

"Indeed," he replied evenly.

The doors opened and the waitress got out at the lobby.

XxX

Sheldon tsked as he took a sip of his warm milk.

"'John Byrne's run on Action Comics was epic'. More like an epic disaster."

Laughter came from the hall. Loud. A woman, Penny, and a man, unfamiliar. Sheldon checked the clock on the computer and pursed his lips. Now was not the time to be making a ruckus.

"That's a strike," he muttered before he resumed typing.

_Cooperphd: Need I remind you of Byrne's dismal attempt at casting Superman in a pornographic movie with Big Barda in AC 592-93? Complete and utter poppycock. How this man was ever given the reigns to…._

xTBBTx

_What the hell was I thinking?_

Penny's feet pounded the interlocked path as she jogged her way through the park. The morning had been another disaster as she made her way home in last night's clothing. She ran into Mrs. Vartebedian, who seemed bemused by the whole affair. Obviously the woman could read 'wrinkled sexy clothes' and surmise from there.

Zack was cute, sure, but that still didn't mean she should have slept with him. The sex god must have agreed with that since the sex was okay but nothing spectacular. The only thing was, for that split moment it was wonderful waking up next to someone. Then reality set in—it wasn't Kurt—and then she felt like shit. _Not_ that she wanted the dirt bag back, it was what he represented: four years of comfort and protection.

She loved that asshole.

Now she was spending her free nights at dance clubs picking up anyone who tickled her fancy. The only thing was she felt so damn empty by morning.

As she glanced around the park she noted a tall man wearing a bright yellow shirt standing in the central part of the park. _That's Dr. C._ He was looking up so Penny did as well and spotted a red kite. _At least he gets out for fresh air._ Given his pasty complexion the Nebraskan thought he was one of those guys who only went outside for necessities like work or groceries. No, check that. She'd arrived home from work one Friday evening just as Grocery Gateway was delivering an order to 4A. Then there were all those packages he kept getting. _I wonder what he does in his apartment?_ Visions of her neighbor sitting at a computer discovering absolute zero or whatever it was he said he was doing came to mind. _Don't forget the trains._

Penny snorted and checked her watch before picking up her pace.

XxX

_Asshole_, Penny thought for the third time in the past half hour. She entered the lobby carrying her purse and two bottles of red wine.

"No, check that. Stupid asshole," she mumbled. She glanced at the mailbox but decided to get the bills—because that's all that seemed to come nowadays—later. She stepped into the elevator and let out a growl.

Kurt had come to the Cheesecake Factory. At the sight of him Penny could have kicked herself for thinking maybe he was there to apologize. _God, why do I give these sleazebags second chances?_ Then she got a hold of herself and remembered all the texts she sent him about the television. Then there was the fourteen hundred bucks he owed her for the traffic tickets but like she'd ever see that again.

All Kurt wanted was the blender. The stupid blender they spent four hundred bucks on so he could make his protein shakes. Penny had taken it when she moved, partially out of spite, and he wanted it. When she freaked on him about the television he said they could trade. _Finally!_ Just then Brad the busboy came by and she asked him if he could help her move the television. That's when Kurt said he couldn't do it tonight and in that instant Penny knew, she _knew_, he was going to fuck someone because he used the line he used to use with her when someone asked if he was available to do something:

'Sorry, got things rolling tonight.'

"Sonofabitch," she mumbled as the doors opened and she stepped into the hall to find her neighbor spraying his door with what smelled like javex.

"Spill something?" she asked as she took out her keys.

"Removing the accumulation of germs," Sheldon said as he wiped down the door.

She stared at her own door. "What germs?"

"People brush their dirty hands against it or knock," the physicist explained as he cleaned. "Even I'm to blame as I touch the door knob after being outside. It's just asking for a contagion to compromise my immune system."

"I don't see the problem. I mean I'm out everyday and I don't get sick that often."

"More likely than not your waitressing exposes you to a plethora of foreign microbes thus increasing your antibodies."

Penny turned to her neighbor. "How did you know I was a waitress?"

"I've seen you wearing the same apparel you are wearing now at specific times and days. Moreover, in the evenings when I've encountered you in the elevator you've been physically exhausted, often coated in different food stains and smell like cheesecake."

"Ah," Penny said a tad self-consciously. "Never knew you paid that much attention."

"I'm a physicist. I pay attention to everything." Sheldon turned the knob with the cloth and entered his apartment.

Penny turned on the light in the living room and closed the door. She still smelled the javex and so after depositing her stuff on the counter she lit a vanilla-scented candle. Next she ditched her uniform, giving it a sniff before sticking it in the wash. _Where the heck does he get the cheesecake smell from?_

Now in her comfy clothes she returned to the living room, got a mug and bottle opener and moved to the couch with her wine. She stared ahead at the empty tv stand.

"Shit," she growled.

xTBBTx

Sheldon sat in his lawn chair, a small smile on his face, as he watched Star Trek on the SyFy channel. Granted he owned all of the episodes on Blue-ray but there was something titillating about catching an episode on television.

There was a knock at the door. Much as he'd like to ignore it his mother didn't raise an ignoramus and so he ventured over to take a peek through the peephole. On the other side was his neighbor with a blender in hand.

"What do you want?" he said brusquely.

"I hate to bother you but I really need your help."

_Shelly, mind your manners. There's a lady in distress_. He sighed at the memory of his mother and opened the door.

Penny smiled hopefully. "Hey. Um, my friend fell through so I really need someone to help me with my tv."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's at my ex-boyfriend's place. He wants to trade for the blender. Like now."

"I'm not a suitable candidate for physical labor," Sheldon said.

"It doesn't take Hulk Hogan. It's more awkward than anything else."

"I don't think so."

"I'll give you twenty bucks."

"No."

Penny sighed. "Please, it's been weeks since I've watched tv and I can't afford another television set."

"I'm sorry but this doesn't involve me." Sheldon closed the door.

"Dr. Cooper, I swear I won't bother you again." Penny held her breath and waited.

Nothing.

She pulled out her phone. Maybe she could get Kurt to—

The door opened.

"No more chit-chat or social nicities," the lanky man said seriously.

"Zippo," Penny said earnestly.

"Give me a moment." The door closed.

Two minutes later he returned wearing a tan windbreaker and locked his door.

"Thanks so much. I really"—she caught his frown. "Right. Zip it."

They went down the elevator and to her car in silence. Sheldon opened the door and pursed his lips at the sandwich wrapper on the passenger seat. The waitress grabbed it and tossed it into the back seat. She caught his look of disgust and proceeded to sweep the front seat a couple of times with her hand and smiled. Eyes rolling, Sheldon got in and closed the door. He clicked into his seatbelt before bathing his hands in sanitizer.

Penny signaled and pulled into traffic. Sheldon took a quick inhalation of breath as she darted down the street and pulled to a rolling stop before turning right. _This is a mistake_, he thought as he reached for the dash to brace himself from the impending accident.

In her peripheral vision Penny caught the movement and so glanced at her companion. His eyes were wide and staring straight ahead and his mouth was partially open as if he were trying to maintain a steady breath. For a moment her eyes focused on his bow lips. _Too bad he's whacked 'cause he's kinda cute_.

Sheldon closed his eyes in relief as they didn't rear-end the vehicle ahead when it suddenly stopped nor did they die in a head-on collision as Penny honked the horn and swerved into the opposing lane of traffic to get around it. As he glanced at the speedometer he noted a red light on the dash.

"Your 'check engine' light is on," he said worriedly. He eyed his neighbor, who hadn't responded. "I said, your 'check engine' light is on."

"I thought you didn't want to talk?" Penny said innocently.

"This isn't idle banter; it's about safety," scowled Sheldon.

"It's been on for a while so don't worry about it."

"'Don't worry about it'?" He stared fearfully at the little red light. "How long is 'a while'?"

"I dunno. Three weeks maybe?"

"You realize that the longer you procrastinate the probability that your engine problem will worsen increases exponentially."

"Eh, so far so good," shrugged the Nebraskan, causing Sheldon to again roll his eyes. "Look, now that we're talking there's a few things you should know about Kurt."

"I doubt it but go on."

"He's a bouncer and can be a real bully. Right now he's being an ass so I don't know how he'll be." Sheldon turned to eye her. "_Not_ that he's violent. Well not unless he's annoyed or drunk and some guy pisses him off." A twitchy smile crossed her lips. "Anyhoo, just let me do the talking, okay?"

"As you seem unable to stop talking I'll defer to your expertise," shrugged Sheldon as he looked out the passenger window.

"Yeah, yeah."

They drove the rest of the way in silence. It killed Penny not to have the radio on but somehow she sensed that whatever Dr. Sheldon Cooper listened to it wasn't Energy 103.9.

"You can't park here," said the physicist as the waitress pulled directly in front of the building's entrance.

"Man, you're just a fountain of gibber-jabber, aren't you?"

As she exited the car she smiled as Sheldon squawked a "Me?!" After grabbing the blender out of the trunk they proceeded to the building.

"You're between the 'no parking' signs," he warned.

"I've got my hazards on so it's okay," she said dismissively.

"This whole enterprise is a hazard and far from okay," mumbled the physicist as Penny got them buzzed in by her ex-boyfriend.

All the way up the elevator Penny felt a gnawing in her stomach. This had been her home for two years. She remembered how excited she was to finally be in L.A.; she was on the verge of achieving her dream of being a movie star.

Two years later and she was at her ex-boyfriend's door with the weirdest guy she'd ever met.

Kurt took his sweet time answering and once he gave Penny the once-over for old time's sake—_that woman sure has a body_—he took in the gangly man behind her.

"New guy?" snorted the bouncer with a smarmy smirk.

"My neighbor," snapped Penny, pissed at his tone. _How could I forget what an ass he is?_ "Look, can we just get this over with?"

"Sure." Kurt held out his hands and the Nebraskan gave him the blender. Penny made to enter the apartment but he blocked her way. "I've been doing some thinking. I really spent a lot on you while we were dating."

"You?!" she squawked. "Who'd eat two racks of ribs to my salad when we ate out?"

"Who skimped on the rent for acting lessons?"

"And who was short on hydro for the gym membership?"

"Stop it!" Sheldon said a tad hysterically. The ex-couple turned to see the physicist with his hands over his ears. "Disagree if you must but don't argue."

Kurt chuckled. "You better get Braveheart out of here before he wets himself."

"Shut up, Kurt," growled Penny. "Just give me my tv and we're out of here."

"You said you wanted a new start," sniffed the bouncer. "Well start with a new tv." He closed the door.

"Kurt!" Penny pounded on the door and jiggled the door handle to no avail. "Sonofabitch!"

Sheldon removed his hands from his ears.

"Looks like this trip's for naught," he said.

"Oh, it's not alright. We're not going anywhere," seethed the Nebraskan.

"I have to work tomorrow," countered Sheldon. "I need to be in bed by ten if my circadian rhythm is to be maintained."

"Sorry. Didn't know you had a heart thing." The physicist looked at her incredulously as she turned to the door. "Look Kurt, I don't care if I have to stand here all night—"

"I do," said her companion.

Penny pursed her lips. "Look, just work with me, okay?" she mumbled to Sheldon.

"Take me home," he glared back.

Penny closed her eyes and took a big breath.

"You're right. I'm sorry, Dr. C."

"Dr. Cooper."

"Yeah." She scowled at the door. "It's just that that idiot took everything when he cheated on me. I left it all behind in this stupid apartment and all I wanted, the _only_ thing I wanted was my stupid tv." Sheldon heard a slight hitch to her voice. "I mean it's two years old and the first thing I bought so I mean it's not like it's worth a lot but I just wanted—"

Sheldon stepped by her to the door.

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Kurt."

"What are you doing?" gasped Penny.

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Kurt."

"Dr. Cooper, you don't have to do this."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Kurt."

The door opened and the muscular man folded his arms across his chest and glared.

"What do you want?" he snarled.

"I just thought you should know that while I was cleaning Penny's apartment I came across a pile of receipts, one of which was for a television," Sheldon said evenly. "It's only a matter of calling the police to report a theft. I imagine a criminal record would be detrimental to your bouncing 'career'."

Kurt turned an unhealthy shade of red before storming off down the hall to his living room. Sheldon took a step into the apartment before turning to Penny.

"Coming?" he asked.

Too stunned to talk, Penny nodded and followed.

XxX

"That was amazing," Penny cooed as she watched Sheldon attach the cable to her television.

"I have a working knowledge of the universe. Hooking up a flat screen television is hardly worth my efforts," Sheldon sniffed. "And you might want to run a vacuum hose behind here."

"Yes boss. And no, it's not this that's amazing I mean getting the tv in the first place." Here she grinned. "I thought Kurt was going to have a stroke when you whupped his ass—"

"Language, Penny."

"Sorry. It's true, though."

Sheldon stood and cleaned his hands with sanitizer.

"It was logical. Intellect always trumps physicality," he said casually.

"Oh really?" smirked the Nebraskan. "So you're telling me you could take Kurt in a fight?"

"I just did; it was a battle of intellects."

"And if it became physical?"

"I have longer legs. I'd be at the stairwell long before he could catch up." He made for the door.

"So I guess that's that," Penny said slowly.

"What's what?"

"I mean us. You know, talking and whatnot."

"One can only hope. Goodnight stranger across the hall," said Sheldon as he exited the apartment.

Penny picked up the remote.

"Goodnight my hero in plaid pants," she grinned as she turned on the television.


	4. Biological Hocus Pocus

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Luminous Fish Effect'; 'The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization'; 'Pilot'

Reference to: 'The Fuzzy Boots Corollary'

xTBBTx

"I can't wait until it comes out," giggled Leonard as he stood in line with Raj assembling their lunches.

"What?"

"Well, it's supposed to be a secret but a friend of mine at the OPERA said that they got a confirmation that neutrinos arrived earlier than expected."

Raj dropped his jaw. "That would prove Einstein wrong."

Leonard grinned. "Yup. My friend said he'd see if he could swing it that I go work there as a placement. I'm sure the new department head would go for it since it'd add prestige to the university."

"More like ridicule," said a voice from behind them. The two men turned to see Sheldon casting a derisive look. "I'm sure the result was an anomaly due to a miscalculation or misalignment of the experiment."

"And how are you so sure?" bristled the experimental physicist.

"The numbers don't lie. Neutrinos move at the speed of light."

"All you theoretical physicists are the same: 'the numbers don't lie'. It takes you twenty six dimensions to make your theories work—"

"They _do_ work," the lanky man countered adamantly as he got a bottled water from the cooler. "Perhaps it's your level of understanding that's lacking."

Leonard was incredulous. "Of all the pompous things I've heard."

"Well it's better than the ridiculous thing I've heard coming from you," countered Sheldon. "You said in your initial phone interview that you were an experimental physicist. Why don't you spend your time figuring out the properties of supersolids at the moment of inertia in gasses at temperatures approaching absolute zero. It's not monumental science but at least it's productive."

"Whatever," scowled Leonard and he stomped off. Raj shrugged at Sheldon apologetically and followed his friend.

"Can you believe that guy?" seethed the bespectacled man as he paid for his food.

"He does have opinions," the astrophysicist said diplomatically.

"Opinions? How about complete and utter arrogance." The two men made their way to the lunch table and sat. "'A miscalculation or misalignment of the experiment'. Meh."

"Well, it's been known to happen," Raj said as he separated his lima beans from his rice. "Besides, it wouldn't be the same without you if you went to Italy."

"Yeah I could always work on supersolids," Leonard said sarcastically before taking a bite of salad.

"Great news, gentlemen," grinned Howard as he sat at the table. "Well, first the dry news: Gablehauser is our new department head. As for the exciting stuff there's going to be a department mixer to meet-and-greet him."

"So? I already know him," said Raj.

"Yeah, but do you know all the single ladies in the department?" said the engineer with a glint in his eyes.

"Most of them, yes."

"And the graduate students?"

At this Raj gave a pumpkin grin. "Alright! We are so there, right Leonard?" He turned to his friend. "Leonard?"

"Huh, yeah, sure," was the distracted reply.

"What's with him?" asked Howard.

"Oh, he had another encounter with the infamous Sheldon Cooper," said the astrophysicist.

"Ah, well, anyways, Ma said you could come over tonight. It's a chicken brisket."

Raj smiled. "Sounds good. Leonard?"

"Yeah, sure," replied the short man although his mind was more on supersolids than a Jewish meal….

XxX

Penny stepped out of the apartment just as the elevator doors opened.

"Hold it," she cried and in response Sheldon held the 'door open' button. After locking up both Sheldon and she exchanged places in the elevator and hall respectively. "Thanks, Dr. C." She winked as he flashed her a scowl.

The doors closed and the physicist stood for a moment, noting a vanilla scent in the air. With a sigh he unlocked his door and completed his disinfecting routine before checking the message flashing on his answering machine:

"_Hello Shelly, it's yuhr mother. Ah hope Jesus has kept yuh well. Ah was at the Church the other week an' they had posters up for the holidays. Ah'm really hopin' yuh could come this time. They have a retreat at the Church we could go tuh"_—here Sheldon rolled his eyes—_"which would allow yuh to see the world with fresh eyes so tuh speak. Anyhows, just tossin' it yuhr way. Take care 'n' we'll talk soon. Bye."_

Sheldon picked up the phone and ordered his pizza for delivery. Afterwards he'd open his box of new comics and settle down to read. He had an itch to play Halo but as it wasn't Halo night he'd just have to suck it up.

He turned on the television to the SyFy channel and watched Star Trek.

xTBBTx

With a sigh Sheldon entered the reception room. He had absolutely no interest in who was the new department head so long as the man allowed him to do what he wanted. Nevertheless Dr. Hester had insisted he attend—something about putting Sheldon's name on the list to see the Cern accelerator—and so he did.

Sheldon checked his watch and decided fifteen minutes was long enough to stay and ventured to the food spread at the far end of the room so as to avoid the people milling about in the central area. He watched as Dr. Pushman came to the table and took up a small paper plate.

"Dr. Cooper," said the plasma physicist amiably.

"Dr. Pushman."

"Nice spread," the older man said as he looked over the food. "Oh, I'm in the way," he apologized and passed Sheldon a plate. "I'm up for seconds so just shoo me aside if you want something."

Sheldon tentatively took the plate.

"You should try the shrimp," the man continued. "Excellent stuff. Let me—"

"I'll get it," the East Texan said quickly. He took a toothpick out of a cut kobasa and used it to pierce a shrimp and remove it from the platter.

"The cheese dip's also good," Dr. Pushman said as he helped himself. "Want some?"

"No thank you." Sheldon couldn't risk someone double dipping. They might be a room full of scientists but he kept track of who didn't wash their hands after urinating.

Noting that the shrimp were of varying sizes the lanky man scanned the tray to pick out the most uniform ones there.

Across the way, Leonard, Howard and Raj stood with drinks in their hands surveying the room.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Raj.

"We wait for another hour until the women are sloshed enough to hit on," smiled the engineer.

"Howard, this is a meet-and-greet with our boss," countered Leonard. "No one's stupid enough to get drunk."

"So what are we supposed to do?" said Howard. "Stand here all night?"

"I could always be your wing man," offered Raj. "You know, the Brown Dynamite to your Hot Pants."

"'Hot Pants'?" smirked the experimental physicist.

"I told you I want a different nick name," growled the engineer.

"You don't pick your name, your name picks you," tutted Raj with a hint of a smile.

"Yeah, well who called you Brown Dynamite?"

"That's for me to know," Raj muttered as he remembered the accident he had in his shorts when he was eight with his brothers laughing like hyenas.

Howard took a sip of wine. "Here's the plan: Raj and I will cruise around looking for any woman who can't keep eye contact or appears grossly out of place."

"What about me?" huffed Leonard.

"Leonard, it's called a wing _man_ not _men_," said Raj. "Besides, you already have a girlfriend."

"I guess." Leonard wasn't sure how to classify his relationship with Leslie Winkle. As long as they were having sex she could call it whatever she wanted.

He scoured the room and was shocked to see a familiar lanky man across the way. "I'll see you guys in a bit." He made his way over.

"Dr. Cooper," Leonard said as the theoretical physicist was in the middle of eating his shrimp. "I, uh, wanted to apologize to you for, uh, what was said. We both kind of lost our cool and—"

"No, you lost your cool. I was merely correcting your errors," Sheldon replied evenly before taking up another shrimp.

Leonard fixed a smile to his face. "Let's just agree to disagree shall we?"

"As long as we agree that I'm right I'm amenable." The East Texan tossed his plate in the garbage and proceeded to wipe his hands with a napkin.

"Anyways, I was thinking about what you'd said about the supersolids."

"Helium in particular."

"Okay." Leonard thought for a moment. "I could see that."

"According to my predictions at temperatures nearing absolute zero the moment of inertia changes and a supersolid forms."

"I'd like to conduct the experiment," the shorter man said. "This deserves to be proven."

"It doesn't need 'proving'. I already said it occurs," sniffed Sheldon.

"Well, I'm sure your word is good but the scientific community needs a little more than that," Leonard said diplomatically.

"Yes, well I—"

"Gentlemen, what's with the shop talk?" asked a tall man in a suit with an amiable smile on his face. "Eric Gablehauser," he said as a way of introduction.

"Leonard Hofstadter. Experimental physics. Nice to meet you."

"And you are?" Gablehauser said to Sheldon.

"An actual real scientist."

"You must be Dr. Cooper," the new department head said diplomatically. His predecessor gave him a head's up on the physicist.

"Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser," Sheldon twanged. "How fortunate for you that the university has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you've done no original research in twenty five years"—here Leonard winced—"and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement."

"Excuse me?" Gablehauser growled. "I've conducted many experiments over my years at MIT."

"Dr. Cooper, be nice," Leonard mumbled nervously. "He _is_ our boss."

"True. He does deserve respect if for no other reason." Sheldon cleared his throat. "Yes I did gloss over your work and with all due respect I find you to be nothing more than a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts."

"Well then, maybe it's best you don't work for me," seethed Gablehauser.

"While I approve of the gesture I somehow doubt the university will let you resign before your tenure even begins."

"I'm not resigning," amended the department head with a grim smile. "You're leaving. As in fired. As in clear out your office and vamoose."

Leonard dropped his jaw as Gablehauser stomped off.

Sheldon stood a moment in shock before walking stiffly out of the room.

XxX

Penny stood at the mail box sorting out her mail.

"Bill. Bill. Letter with cheque in it from mom begging me to come home. Bill. Bill." She tossed out her junk mail for a local gym membership and real estate. "Well with this level of encouragement how can I fail?" she smiled grimly.

The lobby door opened and she turned to see Sheldon enter carrying a cardboard box. He made his way to the elevator only to stop as he read an 'out of order' sign.

"Elevator's busted," Penny said. "Super said it'd be a couple of weeks to get the parts." Sheldon nodded.

"I see," he said evenly. Penny passed by him only to stop at the foot of the stairs.

"Well, are you coming or what?"

"I'm pondering the implications," he said slowly.

"How 'bout this: get your butt in gear up the stairs or stand there until it's fixed."

"I have to go to the bathroom," admitted the physicist who joined his neighbor as they walked up the stairs. His box was open and Penny could see an assortment of knick knacks and files.

"Quit or canned?" she asked.

"Physicists don't get canned," sniffed Sheldon.

"So you quit?" Penny took in his silence. "Canned it is. Sorry sweetie."

"No, it's better this way. I've been working in an environment of inferior intellects who've stifled my brilliance."

"There's that," smirked the waitress.

"Penny, I have an IQ of one hundred and eighty seven although my true intellect doesn't rank on standardized tests and furthermore possess an eidetic memory."

She turned her head to him. "What's that?"

"I can recall everything I've experienced since the day my mother quit breastfeeding me."

Penny smacked him lightly on the arm. "Get out of here!"

"It was a Tuesday and raining," Sheldon began. "I woke up feeling peckish and cried for mother who came and gave me a bottle. I looked at her in confusion and she encouraged me to drink but it tasted nothing like her breast milk and that rubber nib on my lips couldn't even compare to the soft warmth of her nipple—"

"Okay, okay, I believe you," Penny laughed as they got to their floor.

"Never doubt me," he said seriously, his blue eyes briefly catching her own.

"Well, I hope you find another job soon," she said as she pulled out her keys.

"I'll consider my options in the morning. Right now I'm late for vintage game night."

Both doors opened and closed.

Inside the apartment Penny tossed her mail and purse on the couch and proceeded into the bedroom to strip for her shower.

_I wonder what he's gonna do?_ She couldn't really say what the market was on physicists but she knew getting another job wasn't as simple as going to the local job bank.

"Wanted, physicist. Must use big words and be totally dorky. Kite flying an asset," she giggled as she stepped into the tub. Immediately a warmth came to her cheeks. She wasn't picking on Dr. C; he was what he was: a totally anal and awkward genius with a thing for trains. A frown came to her as she shampooed her hair as she thought about how Kurt had treated him. _Of course, Dr. C kicked his ass so there!_

Penny had no idea whether to believe her neighbor about the memory thing but he didn't strike her as the kind who joked around much. Thinking back to her earliest memory she recalled her father and uncle digging around the farm house. There was a board to walk across the chasm directly into the house and she'd often stand on it and peer into the trench to see what was going on.

After her shower the waitress put on her comfy pajamas and housecoat. Suddenly recalling Sheldon's commentary from the stairwell she smiled.

"I'm feeling a tad peckish myself."

She ventured into the kitchen and put on the kettle for her ramen noodles.

xTBBTx

"Finally," Penny mumbled under her breath as she spotted the elevator repair truck outside the apartment building. Not that she was out of shape but after slogging long hours at the restaurant her tired legs and achy feet longed for the elevator's smooth ride to the fourth floor.

As she gathered her mail she noted the parcels for Sheldon on the table. Since the night they'd walked up together she'd seen neither hide nor hair of the physicist.

That was two weeks ago.

She scooped up his packages and mounted the stairs.

"Comics North, American Railroaders Association"—_oh joy more trains!_—"and Amazon. God this guy shops more than I do." She paused as she thought about her closet of shoes and clothes. "Well, maybe not that much, but close."

Rounding the corner Penny was nearly bowled over by the smell of cooked eggs. With each step towards 4A the smell increased. Between the javex and now this she was running out of scented candles in the apartment.

"Wonder if there's something in the neighbor relations manual about stinking up the place?" Of course it wasn't a combination of ether and ammonia like she smelled in her brother's shack at the back of the property so at least she knew Dr. C. wasn't cooking meth.

Her phone rang and she juggled the packages from her right to her left arm and dug it out from her purse.

"Hello?" she said.

"…Sorry babe, wrong number." CLICK.

Kurt.

Penny set Sheldon's packages beside his door where she'd placed all the other packages she'd gathered over the weeks. She knocked at the door.

"More packages, Dr. C. They're piling up out here."

Frowning, she entered her apartment and flumped down on the couch. Immediately she blocked Kurt's number.

'Babe'. That's what he called her. What he used to call her in the old days, better days when they'd first come to L.A. with dreams of being so much better.

"Rat bastard," she growled.

Penny scrolled through her contacts list to 'Doug'. He was a surfer guy she'd met at the beach. Maybe what she needed was thirty six hours of mindless sex to finally get Kurt out of her head.

"Hello Doug? It's Penny. We met at the beach. … Yeah, I'm doing good. Listen, I was wondering if…."

xTBBTx

Penny stepped into elevator exhausted but tension free. The weekend was wild and Doug was an excellent lover but at the end of the day this was all their 'relationship' was ever going to be. So they spent the morning doing the dance of awkward smiles and insincere 'I'll call you's as both knew they'd never top this glorious weekend.

The elevator opened and she saw a young guy set one of Sheldon's parcel's down on the pile. He smiled awkwardly at the waitress before he and his buddy tore down the stairs. Quickly Penny made a mental count of the packages—they were all still there—before opening her door. In two trips she'd gathered the parcels and brought them in. After writing Sheldon a note telling him to see her about his deliveries she stuck it to his door. She listened but there wasn't even the sound of a tv. _Maybe he's gone?_ Only there was the egg thing Friday. Penny yawned as she went to her bedroom. She felt she could sleep for a thousand years.

xTBBTx

As the elevator neared the floor Penny could hear a man talking in the hall. Just as the doors opened she caught Sheldon's door closing. The young man wearing a yellow short sleeve shirt and blue jeans smiled at her.

"Hold the elevator," he said lightly.

"Excuse me, but were you just talking to Dr. Cooper?"

"Yeah. I was just making a delivery." It was then that Penny noticed a logo on the man's shirt for 'PJ's Pet Shop'.

_Nice to know he's still alive_. "Ah, okay. Well, have a good one," she said and let the man go. She went to 4A and knocked.

"Dr. C, you've got another package."

Nothing.

Penny put her ear to the door and could hear Sheldon moving around so he was obviously ignoring her.

She shifted his package to her other arm so she could fish out her keys from her purse and get into her apartment. She set the package down on the pile of parcels she had beside the television. Granted, there hadn't been any deliveries in ten days but they did take up a lot of room. A scowl came to her face as she thought about the pet guy. _How come Dr. C will talk to him but not me?_ Obviously the physicist wasn't opening the door for conventional reasons.

"Time to think in 'whackese'," chuckled Penny as her phone rang. She checked the screen and grinned as it was her agent.

"Hello? … Great. … Sure I can do commercials. … Alright. … Nine fifteen. Okay, thanks."

Penny hung up and was about to call her mother when their previous conversation came to mind. Instead she called Gwen.

"Hey girlie. Go another audition on Friday. … Yeah. I'll have to ask Marie if she'll switch shifts with me. … I dunno, do you think I should wear the pink one or the yellow?"

Penny walked to her bedroom, leaving behind all thoughts of Sheldon and his parcels.

xTBBTx

"I hear ya, sister," mumbled Penny before munching on a couple of potato chips as she watched another model get evicted on America's Next Top Model. For the past week she'd gone to work and then come home to junk food and cable television. Another audition without a callback. It was getting to be too much. She'd like to blame all this negative energy on Kurt but it wasn't like she was acting before they broke up. No, this was solely Penny's fault for having her father's feet and being 'too perky'.

"If only I could have a break. Just one break. That's all I need," she said with a sigh.

The axed model was in tears as she gave her exiting remarks but it was the fierceness to her eyes that halted Penny in mid-chew.

"I don't give a *beep* what they said I'm going to make it," growled the model. "You haven't seen the last of me."

"You're right," Penny said, her heart suddenly feeling lighter than it had in a week. She rolled up the bag of chips and set it on the coffee table before getting up and dusting off any crumbs. Her smile became crooked as she looked around the apartment: clothes covered the floor, rum bottles and cola cans on the coffee table, empty Ben and Jerry's containers and Ruffles chips bags on the counter.

"Time to get your ass in gear, Penny-girl."

Her eyes rested on the pile of parcels and an idea struck her. Grabbing her laptop she sat on the couch and began typing, frequently looking up words on the thesaurus. She had the 'net until the end of the month and then she couldn't afford it. She wanted her cable.

After looking over the document Penny crossed the hall to apartment 4A. She could hear the tv on and so she knocked.

"Dr. Cooper?"

The tv turned off. She waited but no one came to the door.

"Ahem. This document advises the Space Taker, hereby known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper, that the Space Owner—me—has informed him both in writing and verbally that she has been storing his crap in her apartment so it doesn't get stolen. If said property is not removed pronto I will begin charging a storage fee of ten dollars per day until the end of the month at which time the property will be sold for monies owing. Furthermore, should—"

The door opened and Sheldon stood before her wearing a light blue Bat-Man t-shirt over a green thermal and khaki pants. The rest of the apartment was dark save for darts of luminous lights around the room.

"I never signed nor verbally agreed to such a contract so it is null and void," he said with a bit of a Texas twang. "If anything I could have you charged with theft for taking my packages without prior notification and consent." In response Penny pointed to the note on his door. "Oh," he said after reading it. "Well alright then."

"Besides, for your information I stopped two guys from making off with your packages," said Penny as she closed her laptop.

"You approached them by yourself?"

The waitress shrugged. "It was no big deal."

"Penny, your Mid-Western instincts should not be followed here. While you are brawny for a woman averaging one hundred and twenty pounds—"

"Hey! One hundred and ten."

Sheldon cocked his head. "I see; your self worth is intrinsically linked to your weight."

"Anyhoo, back to your stuff," growled Penny.

"Yes, your blatant appropriation of my mail."

She rolled her eyes. "You could always say 'thank you'."

"I haven't received my packages to determine their condition," sniffed the physicist. "For all I know they could have been tampered with—"

"They haven't been 'tampered with'," she glared before turning sharply and stomping into her apartment.

"Good, because I still possess my 'Junior G-Man' fingerprint kit."

Sheldon heard Penny mutter "Whackadoodle" before she returned with an armful of packages.

"This is load one," she said as she transferred them to the lanky man. As Sheldon set them on the coffee table she took a moment to look around the room, noting the lawn chair furniture, television and—"Oh my God are those glowy things fish?"

"Yes," he said. He spotted her feet precariously close to the apartment's entrance. "Don't come in." Penny noted his eyes on her flip-flops and she took a step back.

"But they're glowing!" she gasped as he came to the door.

"Luminous. I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals so it was a simple extrapolation to fish." He took in his neighbor's stunned expression. "Parcels. Chop chop."

She darted into her apartment and returned with the rest of his mail.

"It's like fairyland in there," she cooed.

"I assure you there's no magic here," scoffed Sheldon as he deposited the rest of the parcels on the floor by his lawn chair. "What you're witnessing is but a dabbling into the softer sciences. This doesn't hold a candle to particle physics."

She stared at the living lights. "You're like one of those beautiful mind genius guys, aren't you?" Penny said in awe.

Sheldon paused before taking a bowl with a luminous blue goldfish and presenting it to the Nebraskan.

"This will suffice as compensation for you housing my mail?"

Penny was stunned as she took the bowl. "How do I care for it?"

"Aside from its coloration it's a standard goldfish."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said and with that closed the door.

The waitress took the fish back to her apartment. She moved aside the clutter on her coffee table and set down the bowl. With a giggle she turned off the lights and returned to the couch to sit and watch her new pet. The goldfish was blue like the flame on her dad's welder or a Christmas light bulb. _Or Dr. C's eyes_. Penny smirked. Okay his eyes weren't that blue but they were intense.

She stared at the fish.

She didn't give a damn what he called himself. Sheldon Cooper was a magician.

xTBBTx

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

_Dr. C?_ Penny flipped back her covers and quickly got out of bed. Blearily she noted the time as she got into her housecoat and made her way to the door. Never in the entire time she'd known him did Sheldon come to her for anything.

"What's wrong?" she asked as she opened the door.

"Nothing's wrong," replied the lanky man. "It's protocol to knock on a door in order to alert the occupant that someone's waiting to engage in a social exchange."

"It's eight am."

Sheldon checked his watch. "Eight fourteen. I suggest resetting your clocks. Now if we've concluded the banal chit-chat we can proceed to the purpose of my call." He handed her a booklet complete with laminated cover.

"'Care of Luminous Goldfish'," she read. He picked up a large jug of water that was by his feet.

"You need to change the water daily. Use this and refill immediately as it has to stand for twenty four hours before use."

Penny took the jug. "Uh, thanks."

"I've also brought you some food. Please refer to the feeding chapter for amounts and frequency."

Penny set down water and food on coffee table. "Thanks Dr. C."

"Dr. Cooper."

Penny smiled at him. "You know I used him like a night light."

Sheldon nodded. "Sound application."

"I call him Dr. Sea. You know, like the ocean, 'cause it also sounds like you."

"Be sure to read the manual," he said with a twitchy mouth before returning to his apartment.

"Better be able to train the fish to wake up at eleven," said the waitress as she locked the door and went back to bed.

XxX

Sheldon's Log. Stardate 060810

I equipped Penny with provisions and a goldfish reference manual. Given her folksy vernacular I made sure the manual was written at a junior high level of literacy, providing detailed illustrations where appropriate.

She named her goldfish 'Dr. Sea'—an obvious pun on my name as she insists on referring to me as 'Dr. C' despite my protests. Still it does provide me with a whimsical brand name should I decide to produce a line of fish night lights.

Bowel movements normal.

Temperature normal.

End Log.

Sheldon put away his book, turned off his reading lamp and settled into bed. He stared at the fish on his night table that glowed like kryptonite or playful green eyes.

He put on his sleep mask and slept.

xTBBTx

Penny came out of her apartment to see Sheldon locking up.

"Hey Dr. C," she said brightly.

"I could have sworn we negotiated a pact of non-conversation," the physicist said with pursed lips as he neared the elevator.

"Null and void. I didn't sign it." The waitress pressed the elevator button.

"It was verbal."

"Prove it." A twitch passed over Sheldon's face as the doors opened and they entered. "So where you off to?"

"The grocery store. Grocery Gateway forgot my oatmeal in its delivery."

"Then have something different."

Sheldon snorted. "An' then we cain all whup 'round the fahr 'cause daddy shot us dinner."

Penny laughed. "You're from Texas?"

"East Texas. Galveston."

"Kewlies. I'm from Washington County which is just outside of Omaha."

"A Cornhusker."

"Born and raised." The elevator opened and they stepped out into the lobby. "I'm off for groceries too. You can come if you like."

"I've already got my bus pants on."

"Bus pants?" asked Penny. The pair exited the building and headed to her car.

"A second pair put over the first to protect against germs, gum and whatnot when one is taking the bus," Sheldon explained.

"Of course," his companion said with a little smile.

Sheldon adjusted his backpack. "Which grocery store are you going to? The Grocer Mart has a better meat selection but manhandles its vegetables."

"I'm off to Market Square." Penny unlocked her car and got in.

"The Market Square is neither a market nor a square," sniffed the physicist.

"Suit yourself." Penny started the engine.

Sheldon paused before opening the passenger door.

"I suppose I can see what these hippies pass off for oatmeal," he said as he got in.

"Not wiping down the seat?" Penny lightly teased as she put the car in gear and drove off. "Ah wait. Bus pants."

"Indeed," replied Sheldon as he cleaned his hands with sanitizer. He glanced at the dash and frowned. "I see you haven't had your engine checked."

"Been kinda busy lately." She changed lanes and picked up speed to beat the light.

"There's nothing more important than safety," gasped Sheldon as he sat back in his seat. "Good Lord woman you're going to get us killed!"

"No I'm not. Quit overreacting."

"'Overreacting'? Penny, we're driving at—sixty?!" He turned to her. "The speed limit's fifty. Twenty five when we hit the business district."

"I know that."

"No, obviously you don't since we're going ten miles over the limit," countered Sheldon.

"I'm going with the flow of traffic. It's no biggie."

"You're right; combined with your propensity to tailgate it's downright catastrophic." He caught her rolling her eyes. "Just taking into consideration speed alone we're traveling eighty eight feet per second. If the vehicle deceleration rate is twenty feet per second per second then stopping time equals eighty eight divided by twenty or four point four seconds. Since there is a two second delay in driver recognition and reaction time the total time to stop is six point four seconds. Furthermore"— He sucked in a breath as a car suddenly merged into their lane causing Penny to put on the brakes and honk her horn.

"Jerkface!" She glanced over and caught Sheldon's white pallor. "See? No problem with reaction time."

"We haven't even taken into account the weight of your vehicle which I'd estimate at— Oh look, there's a new putt-putt course!"

"You golf?" Penny signaled and turned onto a side street.

Sheldon nodded. "At least once a summer mother would drop Missy and me at Magic Carpet Golf to play the back nine which had a jungle-like setting."

"So who won?" The Nebraskan pulled into the parking lot behind the grocery store.

"I did, naturally." He scowled at her snort. "Golf is a game of angles."

Both of them got out of the car and proceeded to the store entrance.

"And with his trusty ruler Captain Math once again ruled the day," grinned Penny.

"Mock me if you will," he sniffed. "But mathematics is the key to understanding the universe."

"Okay, so how many seconds are there in a year?" She went to pull out a cart but Sheldon stopped her.

"Thirty one million five hundred thirty six thousand," he said instantly as he wiped the cart handle with an antibacterial cloth.

"Nope. Twelve: January second, February second, March second…."

"Seconds as an allusion to dates instead of a literalism to a unit of time." Sheldon let out a gaspy laugh causing Penny to smile in amusement. "So what are you getting here?"

"A few things," she said as she turned into the pasta aisle.

"You don't have a list?" he asked incredulously. "How can you shop effectively without a list?"

Penny shrugged. "I just think about what I'd like to eat, see what I can afford and meet in the middle."

"What about nutrition?" tsked her companion.

"Oh, I take vitamins for that."

"Penny, Penny, Penny. Vitamins are a waste. Adequate nutrition provides more than enough vitamins." He noted her putting a case of ramen noodles in the cart. "Although in your case 'adequate' doesn't even begin to describe your eating habits."

Penny rolled her eyes and continued to shop.

XxX

"I'm not buying thirty five years worth of tampons," she snapped as she unlocked her door.

"In the long run it'd be more cost effective and—"

"Later Doc." She closed the door.

"Doctor Cooper," he amended, annoyed both at her abrupt departure and further abbreviation of his title. He wasn't a 'Doc' he was a scientist. A theoretical physicist.

Sheldon entered his apartment and cleaned himself off before setting the bag of oatmeal on the counter. He then changed and washed up before returning to fill the oatmeal container and toss out the package. After grabbing a bottled water from the refrigerator he sat in his lawn chair and turned on the television. His eyes drifted to the coffee table where upon was an assortment of papers, a writing pad and pen. At the far left was an envelope with a beautifully scripted 'Dr. Sheldon Cooper' and a postmark from Galveston. He turned over the envelope so as to hide the familiar writing only to be faced with Meemaw's hand-written return address. Sheldon placed the pad over the letter and in that moment another paper was uncovered:

_I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, am submitting a formal notice of lease termination for 2311 N. Los Robles Avenue apartment 4A as of September 30, 2006. _

_If you wish to schedule an inspection of the property to ensure that you are satisfied with its condition you may call me…. _

xTBBTx

Csgnetworkcom: Stopping time for vehicles

Profmattstrasslercom: OPERA: what went wrong?


	5. Geometric Shenanigans

Reference to: 'The Thespian Catalyst'; 'The Luminous Fish Effect'

xTBBTx

Back from her run and stopover for a bear claw Penny had a quick shower and a bite of lunch.

"What to do, what to do," she muttered. Yesterday had been awesome at the restaurant as the waitress had taken away a good chunk of tips. _Maybe go shopping?_ Immediately she grunted at the thought. Shopping usually meant overspending and more credit card debt. No, she should most definitely stay away from stores.

Penny's attention turned towards Dr. Sea as he happily fluttered in his bowl.

"Why not?" With a smile she made her way across the hall and knocked at 4A.

A moment and then Sheldon opened the door wearing a Red Lantern t-shirt, blue thermal, brown plaid pants and latex gloves.

"What ya doing?" asked the Nebraskan.

"It's Thursday. I read comic books on Thursdays."

"O-kay. Since you're not doing anything"—here Sheldon twitched—"I was wondering if you wanted to try the putt-putt course?"

He turned his head slightly to the left in thought.

"That would be entertaining," he admitted.

"So it's a go?"

"No."

Penny was confused. "Why not?"

"I haven't scheduled it in," Sheldon said as if it was obvious.

"This isn't more craziness is it?" said the waitress with a crooked smile.

"Hardly," the physicist sniffed. "Mondays I watch Star Trek, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise. Tuesdays I play Age of Conan. Wednesday is Halo night and Thursday is comic book and movie night. I play vintage games on Fridays, watch Doctor Who, do my laundry, message board and blog on Saturdays and as you're aware Sunday is train day with an outdoor constitutional in the afternoon."

"Wow," Penny said, stunned. "So what if you want to just do something off the cuff? Do you have a day for that?"

"Of course not," he scoffed.

"Well ya do now," she grinned. "Call it 'Anything Can Happen' Thursdays."

Sheldon was aghast. "But that's comic book night."

"Okay, then once a month and today is that day."

Sheldon was unsure what to say. No one had ever sought him out for anything social that didn't result in ridicule or bruising on his part.

She took in his tentative look. "The putt-putt's my treat."

"Why?"

Penny shrugged. "Why not? I have some extra money and thought it'd be fun to go. You said you wanted to try it too so why not go together?"

"That would be acceptable," he said after a moment. "Let me put my comics away." Sheldon paused. "This 'Anything Can Happen' won't involve any kind of shenanigans or hooliganism on your part, correct?"

"No shenanigans," promised the waitress, raising her hand in the air.

"Or hooliganism."

"Or hooliganism," she repeated. "Not even a humdinger."

She smiled sweetly and he closed the door.

XxX

Penny shook her head in disbelief as Sheldon prepared to putt the ball. No matter how goofy he looked stretching and shuffling his feet and wearing golf gloves he was absolutely killing her on the course. He'd insisted on an official match consisting of two rounds and ten holes. It meant an extra twelve bucks but Penny figured it was still cheaper than a night out at the club where twelve dollars covered a single martini and she wasn't the type to nurse a single drink.

Sheldon looked several times between the ball and the ramp with its teardrop-shaped loop. With a firm _THWACK_ he sent the ball up the steel ramp, over the loop and then whizzing down the twister's backside towards the hole.

"Okay, you've been here before," Penny said accusingly.

"For the third time no, I haven't," replied Sheldon evenly. "Why do you keep insisting I'm lying?"

"Because you're breezing through this like nothing."

"Penny, through physics I have a working knowledge of the universe."

"Yeah, yeah," she growled as she took his spot and aimed her ball at the ramp. She gave it a firm stroke and hit the ramp but the ball fell before completing the loop.

"My turn," said Sheldon in a pleased tone. He walked to his ball, aimed and dropped it in the hole.

The Nebraskan retrieved her ball and tried again, this time putting oomph to her shot. It hit the lip of the ramp and bounced back.

"As a fun fact Garnet Carter patented the first miniature golf game, which he called Tom Thumb Golf in nineteen twenty seven," said Sheldon as he watched Penny get her ball.

"No kidding," she said drolly and whacked the ball. It failed to make the loop. "Damn it!"

"Language, Penny," Sheldon tutted. She turned to him with a smirk.

"You're enjoying this."

"I'm not unhappy," admitted the physicist with sparkly blue eyes that belied his otherwise poker face.

"Okay genius, get me through the hole."

He came over to stand beside her.

"You were correct to hit the ball firmly because a faster-moving ball experiences a higher centrifugal force which is used to counteract gravitational forces on the ball. The key to distance control is to roll the ball, not hit it. Now open your stance." He moved his feet and Penny followed accordingly. "Now your weight should be slightly favoring your left side and your putter shaft leans towards the target. The open stances makes it easier to feel the—"

Penny gave the ball a moderate hit and the ball went through the loop and down the course to the hole.

"Yes!" she hissed with a fist pump and skipped to the hole.

"—Left hand going out and down the target line," completed Sheldon with a frown. "The forward lean offsets the four degrees—"

She tapped the ball plopped into the hole.

"Yeah, ok, I got it," Penny said lightly as she retrieved her ball.

Sheldon's face was a mass of twitches. "—Four degrees of loft which helps the ball roll smoothly."

"Dr. C, it's all good. Hole's over. Take a deep breath."

"You interrupted me," he said crisply as the pair made their way to the next hole. "Twice."

Penny rolled her eyes. "I got the gist. I didn't need the Discovery Channel."

"Fine. Live your life in partial ignorance," sighed the physicist. "Let the ball move willy-nilly, without a care in the world."

"It does care," Penny snapped as she set her ball down. "It's just not completely anal about a game which is being played for _fun_. You _do_ know what that is, right Dr. Cooper?"

"Of course I'm familiar with whimsy." Here his companion giggled in spite of herself.

"'Whimsy'? God, you're priceless." She hit the ball and got it through the first barrier.

"What's wrong with 'whimsy'?" huffed Sheldon. "Would you prefer impetuosity?"

Penny stood back to let him putt. "'Fun' is a perfectly good word."

"It's juvenile vernacular." His ball also made it past the barrier.

"Well are you having fun?"

"I'm enjoying myself, yes."

A twinkle came to Penny's eyes. "Say you're having fun."

"I just did," countered Sheldon.

"If I make this shot you say you're having fun with an f-u-n."

"As you've had the propensity to defy gravity on your first shot all afternoon I highly doubt—"

The ball went over the bridge and plopped into the hole.

"Apparently all I needed was incentive," Penny said with a pumpkin grin. "So Dr. C, are you enjoying this afternoon of whimsy?"

He glared at her. "I'm having…fun."

"Well so am I," she said sweetly as she made for the next hole.

Sheldon sunk his putt and followed.

XxX

"Let's get something to eat," said Penny as she put the car in gear and drove.

"Thursday is Souplantation night," replied the physicist as he looked out the side window.

"Okay, where's that?"

"Three oh one East Huntington Drive. Although it's irrelevant since they already know where I live for delivery."

Penny smirked. He _would_ say that. "Here's a thought: since we're already out why don't we just go there?"

"I didn't bring cutlery."

"I think they have spoons," the waitress chuckled.

"Germs, Penny," Sheldon said seriously. "If the dishwasher doesn't reach one hundred and forty degrees Fahrenheit it won't kill off bacteria thus risking E. coli or some other contamination."

"Okay, forget utensils. How about Big Boy?"

"Tuesday is Big Boy night."

_Wow_. "That doesn't mean you can't have it again," she said gently.

"Now you're just being silly," he replied with a shake of the head. Immediately Penny signaled and turned left. "Where are we going?"

"Where anything can happen," she said firmly.

Sheldon sighed. "Here's hoping that doesn't include botulism."

XxX

"Did you know that the earliest mention of cheesecake is by the Greek physician Aegimus, who wrote a book on the art of making cheesecakes?" said Sheldon as Penny and he got out of the car.

"Can't say I did," she answered as they made their way across the parking lot to the Cheesecake Factory doors.

"Of course it wasn't like modern cheesecake. The commonly used Philadelphia Cream Cheese is a form of pasteurized cheese developed by James Kraft in nineteen twelve."

"You ought to be on Jeopardy," laughed the Nebraskan as they entered the restaurant.

"I'm a future Nobel Prize laureate," Sheldon sniffed. "The last thing I want in my biography is a footnote about my being the Jeopardy champion for two thousand and six."

"Suit yourself." Penny smiled at the hostess. "Hey Marie."

"What are you doing here on your day off?" the woman asked.

"Girl's gotta eat sometime. Besides, we were in the neighborhood."

"No we weren't," countered Sheldon. "We were approximately eight point seven miles—"

"_Anyhoo_, we need a table for two," Penny said as she lightly elbowed him in the arm.

"Right this way," Marie said.

"You said no shenanigans," growled Sheldon, rubbing his arm as the pair followed the hostess.

"How am I shenanigizing?" asked Penny.

"Shenani— Good Lord, that's not even a word. I don't know what kind of education system they have in Nebraska but it's obviously lacking."

Marie indicated a table. "Is this okay?"

"Most definitely not." Sheldon scanned the room. "We'll take that one over there," he said. Penny shrugged at her coworker.

"Happy with this one?" asked the Nebraskan as they came to the table.

"It's adequate." Sheldon noticed Penny about to sit down. "Don't sit there! That's where I sit."

Penny and Marie exchanged looks even as the waitress changed seats with the physicist.

"I'll leave you to your server," Marie said with a crooked smile as she left.

"Since I've never seen you in here you mind telling me why you have a particular table and seat?" smirked Penny

"The table is situated away from the high traffic areas of the bar and kitchen," Sheldon said casually as he perused the menu. "The washroom is easily accessible as is the exit for emergency purposes. Furthermore, I'm seated facing the bar and ordering kiosk so that I can flag down a server should I require one."

Penny shook her head incredulously.

"Is there anything about you that isn't complicated?"

"My bowel movements," he replied after a moment's thought. "They're regimented to seven fifty fi—"

"Never mind," she said hurriedly as the server arrived.

"Hey Pen," Janet said cheerily. "What's up?"

"Not much. Just came back from mini golf and—"

"Are we here to order or socialize?" Sheldon cleared his throat. "You have lemonade. Is this freshly squeezed, from concentrate or powder?"

"Most likely powdered," said Janet.

"'Most likely'?" he said excitedly. "Beverages aren't a game of percentages. Either it's powdered or it's not."

"Powdered," Penny said definitely.

"That's too bad. In East Texas a housewife wouldn't be worth her weight without a jug of hand-squeezed lemonade at the ready."

"He'll take a lemonade and I'll have a diet Coke," Penny said with a smile and Janet went to get their order.

"Would you like to select my entrée as well?" Sheldon said with a scowl.

"Maybe," she winked causing him to purse his lips. "See anything good?"

He glanced at the menu. "There's three types of soup."

"No soup." Sheldon opened his mouth to protest. "Soup is at the Souplantation. We're at The Cheesecake Factory."

"So by that logic I should order a slab of cheesecake? Hardly."

"No, it means try something different." She flipped to the entrée section. "How 'bout a fajita?"

"Too messy."

"Fish and chips?"

"What type of fish?"

"Tilapia."

"Ah yes, the junk food of fish. I'll pass."

"What about a hamburger?"

"I already had one on Tuesday." Sheldon caught Penny's warning glare. "But as this day is chaos already I suppose my digestive tract should experience no less."

"So are we ready to order?" asked Janet as she returned with the drinks.

"I'll have the chicken salad, light Caesar dressing," said Penny.

Sheldon closed his menu. "I'll have the barbecue bacon cheeseburger so long as the meat's cooked at one hundred and sixty degrees Fahrenheit."

"I'll see what I can do," Janet said as she gathered the menus, giving Penny a 'where did you get this guy' look.

"What you can _do_? It's the minimum safe internal cooking temperature for ground beef." He turned to Penny. "Why are we here?"

"It'll be fine," soothed the Nebraskan. "We're not known for killing our customers."

"The CDC estimates there are over two hundred and forty thousand cases of food poisoning a year."

"That's an estimate. It's not like it's a real number."

Sheldon was speechless and Janet took this moment of distraction to depart.

"So anyways, how's the job hunt going?" Penny took a sip of her soda.

"I haven't really looked," he replied neutrally although there was a tic to his right eye.

Penny gave a sympathetic smile. "I know it's tough when you get canned but like I learned from doing auditions ya just gotta get back on that horse."

"Really Penny? A horse analogy because I'm from Texas?"

"Nope. A Penny analogy thanks to a third place finish at the junior rodeo when I was twelve."

The physicist nodded. "I'm sure your broad hands and feet were an asset."

"Hey!" she said defensively.

"The feed or the interjection?"

"What?"

"We were talking about rodeos and horses. I wasn't sure if you were extending the topic," Sheldon explained. Penny pursed her lips.

"I wasn't extending, I was 'hey-ing'."

"That's not a word."

"It is now," Penny said adamantly. The physicist rolled his eyes.

"And yet another decline in the English language."

"Words are made all the time," she countered.

"I assure you the demand for 'hey-ing' will remain extremely low thus relegating it to the backwaters of English idioms whereas a practical term like 'prevening' shall eventually become commonplace."

"'Prevening'?"

"A term I coined to define the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening."

Penny thought about it. "That's clever."

"Of course it is," remarked Sheldon as their food arrived. He pulled out a bottle of sanitizer and cleaned his hands before lifting the bun off the burger. "Look at that," he tsked. "Cheese, bacon and barbecue sauce when the logical order of assembly should be sauce, cheese and bacon."

"You're right. Completely changes everything," Penny said poker faced.

"Indeed." He picked up his burger. "This 'Anything Can Happen' is really out of control," he muttered and took a bite. A frown came to his face as he chewed.

"Nope," he said after swallowing. "Too disorienting for my taste buds."

Penny set her fork by her salad bowl and got up.

"I'll be right back," she said with a frozen smile and headed to the bar.

"A shot of vodka," she ordered and immediately tossed it back. Janet noticed her and came over.

"Who is that guy?" she asked.

"My neighbor," Penny said as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.

"Okay, and now for the obvious question: why are you with him?"

"He helped me out."

"Well here's hoping you're even," murmured Janet.

Penny smiled stiffly at her coworker and went back to her table.

"So," she began. Immediately Sheldon wrinkled his nose.

"You've been drinking," he declared.

"Just a shot," she said a tad defensively.

"Ah." Pause. "You could have ordered your drink from our server." He cocked his head. "Are you concealing alcohol dependency?"

Penny's jaw dropped.

"I'm not an alcoholic!" she snapped causing the couple next to her to stare.

"Good. My father used to put his cheap bourbon in cans of soda but really he wasn't fooling anyone," Sheldon said and took a bite of his burger.

Penny didn't know what to say.

XxX

"So let me get this straight, you were _teaching_ at university when you were fifteen?" gasped Penny as the elevator doors opened at their floor. "In freaken Germany?"

"A visiting professor, yes," agreed Sheldon. "It gave me a break before pursuing my second doctorate."

"Second?" She put a hand on his arm as they stepped out. "How many degrees do you have?"

"A bachelor, two masters and two doctorates." Sheldon gingerly extracted his arm from her touch. The waitress noticed this and quickly dropped her hand.

"Wow. That's a lot of school. I, uh, went to community college myself." _Please don't ask if I graduated_.

"Ah." Sheldon went to his door and unlocked it. He paused before turning back to his neighbor.

"I'm quite sure tonight's bathroom schedule will be off," he said evenly.

Penny laughed. "You're something else, Dr. C." She opened her door.

"Penny."

"Yes?" For a moment his eyes met hers and she marveled at the blue.

"This day has been nothing but chaos."

"Sometimes a little chaos is good for ya," she grinned. "'Night."

Sheldon watched her enter her apartment and close the door before venturing into his own.

xTBBTx

Penny crossed the floor of the lobby to get her mail. This was the only time of the month she felt at ease doing so as her credit card statements weren't due to arrive for another two weeks. As she threw out her junk mail she noted that the substantial parcel on the table was for Sheldon. She picked it up and went to the elevator.

"How much wool does a guy need?" she murmured to herself as she read the return address for Rosie's Wool Emporium. This was the second big box from the wool shop she carried to the physicist's door in as many weeks. He'd gone back to his old habit of not answering the door when she went to drop off the parcel. The only clue he was still alive was a continual clacking of wood emanating from his apartment during the day.

She arrived at the floor and set down the parcel at Sheldon's door before knocking.

"Dr. C? Another package from the wool shop."

Penny crossed the hall, unlocked her door and quickly closed it although she remained in the hall. Two minutes went by before Sheldon's lock turned and he opened the door.

"Hey!" Penny said, startling him.

"Hello," he replied as he scooped up the parcel.

Penny came to his door. "What's with the getup?" she said as she took in his poncho complete with hood.

"Fruit of my labors," he said evenly and made to close the door with his hip, thus allowing Penny a view of his room.

"Crap on a cracker, what is that?"

"A loom." Sheldon placed his parcel on the coffee table.

"O-kay. Now for the stupid question. Why do you have a loom?"

"I was thinking about my luminous fish and then loom came to mind." Penny rolled her eyes. The lanky man picked up a poncho from the arm of the couch and returned to the door. "Here, this is for you."

"Thanks, Dr. C," Penny replied as she took it.

"Dr. Cooper. Once again we are 'even'. Goodbye."

"Wait!" Penny put her hand on the door. "Could you show me how it works?"

She felt his eyes scan her as if she was some sort of organism under a microscope.

"Take your shoes off and spray your feet with disinfectant before stepping off the mat," he said at last.

The waitress stepped into the room, slipped off her flip-flops and sprayed her feet. She had no idea why she was there; all she knew was that her stomach dropped at the thought of Sheldon once again locking himself up in his apartment all by his lonesome. She took in his room and marveled at his shelves filled with more books than she'd ever read, a large plastic toy in the corner, a kick-ass telescope and whiteboards filled with math doodles.

"This is a treadle or foot loom," Sheldon began as he sat at the loom. "Here we have four harnesses or shafts," indicating the horizontal beams of wood at the top. "The warp comes to the front where I weave into the cloth. The beam where the warp ties at the front is the breast beam and from here the warp lines go through the reed, through the harnesses here and tie to the back beam." He ran his finger along the metal slots of the reed. "The reed has different sizes of holes called dents. In this case it's six dents per inch. Finer weaves can use up to one hundred dents. In fact, early treadle looms—"

"Wow," Penny interjected, completely lost and bored out of her mind. "So what have you done so far?"

"A poncho for my mother, you and me, a seven foot throw and placemats."

"That's a lot of stuff. Maybe you should take a break. I mean, isn't this supposed to be comic book night?"

"That's Thursday. Tonight is Halo night," Sheldon amended as he loomed. "Besides, I've missed six weeks of new releases."

"So why not order them online? You get the rest of them in the mail."

"Penny," he sniffed. "They're no longer 'new' so who knows who's manhandled them, leaving fingerprints and creases in their wake as they bag them?"

"Bummer," shrugged Penny. "Too bad there aren't comic book stores around."

Sheldon stopped looming. "There are." He paused a moment before resuming his task.

The Nebraskan took in her neighbor looming away. _This can't continue_. "Why don't we go to one?"

"Alright."

"I mean now."

Again he stopped. "It isn't Thursday much less 'Anything Can Happen'."

Penny gestured at the loom. "Yeah but tonight's Halo night and you're looming. That's different."

"Halo starts at eight pm." He resumed looming.

A thought came to his neighbor and she smiled slyly.

"So you say you read comics on Thursdays."

"I already established that, yes," he replied absently.

"So what are you gonna do tomorrow since you don't have any?"

"What I've done for the previous six weeks: read them online," Sheldon said with a shrug.

"Yeah, but that's not the same as having one in your hand. The feel of the paper," she cooed. "The smell." Sheldon's mouth twitched. "Yeah, you _could_ read them online"—here she leaned closer—"but deep down inside you know you should be reading real ones." The physicist turned to glare at her. "Come on, I'll drive you."

Sheldon stared at his loom in thought. "It would be nice to resume my collection." Pause. "And Wednesday is new comic book day." He stood up. "I'll have to look up an address for a reputable establishment." He took four placemats off the pile and handed them to Penny. "Payment in advance."

"Thanks," she replied and he bounded off to the washroom.

The phone rang twice before the answering machine picked up:

"_Hello Shellybean, it's yuhr mother. Meemaw called tuh say she hasn't received yuhr monthly letter an' wondered if yuh were okay. Call me an' let me know what's what so's we can stop worryin'. Bye."_

The washroom door opened and Sheldon went to his room for his jacket, wallet and latex gloves.

"Let me check on comic book stores while you get ready," he said as he entered the living room with his eyes firmly on his phone.

"Will do," Penny smirked as she slipped into her flip-flops.

XxX

A grin came to Howard's face as he flipped through the comic bins.

"What do Deadpool, Cyclops, Hawkeye, Black Widow, She-Hulk, Gambit, Wolverine, Hulk, Vision and Daredevil have in common?" he said lightly.

"Very funny," snapped Leonard as he thrust a comic back into the bin.

"Cheer up Leonard," soothed Raj. "Everyone gets dumped at some point in their life."

"Leslie didn't dump me. We were at different points so we moved on."

"Yeah, Leslie to Dave Underhill and you to your palm and Emo music on your Ipod," the engineer chuckled garnering a glare.

"Don't give up," Raj said cheerily. "As I learned from 'Eat Pray Love' we should—"

Howard rolled his eyes. "_Again_ with that book?"

"Howard, it's going to be a classic. It pulls at your heartstrings even as it lightens your soul," the astrophysicist sighed.

"That has to be the most…." Leonard never finished his sentence. Howard and Raj looked questioningly at him before following his gaze to the door. To their surprise stood Sheldon Cooper but he wasn't the point.

The point was a hot blonde wearing red Capri pants and a low-cut yellow tank top standing by his side.

Penny held Sheldon back as she froze.

"Why are they staring at me?" she stage whispered as the patrons in the store had come to a complete halt.

"Considering the plethora of superhero paraphernalia surrounding them I have no idea," breathed the physicist as his bright eyes took in everything.

A curly haired man wearing a Green Arrow t-shirt under a red plaid shirt came out from behind the cash and approached the pair.

"I'd ask if you're lost but you're friend's wearing a Hawkman shirt," the man said. His eyes crinkled in amusement. "Blink twice if you're with him against your will," he teased.

"Just the driver," Penny assured him. She turned to Sheldon, who was in complete awe. "Well?"

"There's so much to see," he said excitedly. "I'm just deciding my course of action."

"Get in there," Penny said and gave him a little shove. Instantly he moved like a shot to the new comics wall.

"I'm Stuart," the man said to the waitress. "This is my place."

"Penny," she said hesitantly. Stuart caught her concerned expression and glanced over his shoulder at his customers.

"Don't worry, they're more afraid of you than you are of them," he said lightly.

"Yeah, don't be so sure," she said with a polite smile. "You sure have a lot of comics. Never knew you could make a living off of them."

"Oh you can so long as you like eating Kraft Dinner a lot," Stuart said with a wry smile, making her laugh.

"Yeah, I make a mean ramen noodle special, myself." _Might as well get in the game_. "Well, I guess I'll take a look around."

"Sure, sure." Stuart let her pass. "You're beautiful," he whispered to himself.

"Geez, you collect a lot," Penny said as she noted the stack of comics in Sheldon's gloved hands.

"These are just what came in this week. Limited series and one-shots aside I follow eighteen books a month," he said absently as he checked the spine of a Green Lantern comic for cracks.

"That's a lot of spandex," she quipped.

"The Archies are over in the kid's section. I believe they might be more to your liking," he said stiffly. Penny glanced into the corner and saw a plump man with a Captain America t-shirt stuffed into his grey track pants staring at her.

"Na, I think I'll stay here." She glanced at the book he was holding. "So who's the guy in green?"

"Green Lantern. You might have known that if you'd bothered to read the title above his head."

"Yeah but he's not carrying a lantern, smartiboots. He's just a guy with a big nosed frowny face on his chest." Sheldon's mouth dropped as he stared at his neighbor.

"That's _obviously_ a lantern."

"Oh yes, 'obviously'. So why does he call himself that? I mean 'Green Lantern' isn't exactly a tough name."

Sheldon sighed. "While 'Green Lantern' is his superhero alter ego in actuality he's a member of the Green Lantern Corps—an intergalactic police force established by the Guardians of the Universe. As for the lantern, it refers to the lantern-shaped battery that powers their rings."

"And let me guess: it's green," chuckled Penny as she scoured the comics wall. "Good thing it wasn't polka dotted." Sheldon rolled his eyes but said nothing.

"Dr. Cooper?"

Sheldon and Penny turned to see Leonard, Howard and Raj.

"Dr. Hofstadter," the lanky man said evenly.

"I didn't know you shopped here," Leonard said, taking a nervous glance at Penny.

"This is my first time—and most definitely won't be my last."

"That's great." Leonard swallowed. "I'm Leonard," he said to Penny. "These are my friends Howard—"

"Howard J. Wolowitz. Enchante mademoiselle," the engineer said smoothly.

"And Raj," finished Leonard. For his part Raj waved his fingers then looked at the floor.

"I'm Penny. Dr. C's my neighbor," she said brightly. "So you're a scientist too?"

"Merely an experimental physicist. Nothing to get excited over," Sheldon said.

"I'm an engineer in the experimental physics wing," added Howard.

"An oompa loompa of science," sniffed the theoretical physicist.

"And you?" Penny asked Raj. He raised his head to stare at the ceiling. She looked to Leonard for help.

"He's a little shy around women," he explained. "Raj is an astrophysicist."

"Ah. I'm an actress."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "I thought you worked at The Cheesecake Factory?"

"Well yeah," stammered Penny. "But that's just paying the bills until my career takes off."

"Well that's logical," smiled Leonard.

"How is using a minimum wage job to support an unlikely career choice in any way 'logical'?" sniffed Sheldon.

"It's all about the dream," the bespectacled man countered. Penny beamed at him and in that moment his knees nearly buckled as his armpits flooded with sweat.

Sheldon shook his head derisively before turning to Penny. "I need to search the bins for previous issues."

"Wait!" Leonard cried desperately. _Think Leonard think!_ "I, uh, figured out how to test your theory for supersolids. I'm starting next week."

"Like I said before: it doesn't need verification but do as you will."

"I'll let you know about the results," said Leonard. "I, uh, don't have your number." Sheldon said nothing. "My number's—"

"I know your number," the East Texan replied. "Unless it's changed from two years ago?"

"No, no, still the same." Leonard again glanced quickly at Penny. "So you ever get a roommate?"

"No," Sheldon said.

"That's good. I mean, not good because you were looking for a roommate and you didn't find one but good as in you don't have one now because I'm looking around for a new place to stay and maybe we could work something out," gushed Leonard.

"You weren't interested then. The dimensions of the apartment haven't changed. Why would you be interested now?"

"It's closer to the university than my current place." He turned to Penny. "Are you on the same floor?"

"Across the hall," she replied.

"Well that's nice," he said with a nervous smile. "I mean you being so close since you're friends with Dr. Cooper and all."

"She's my neighbor," amended Sheldon. "We have no further affiliation." He checked his watch, noting that he was going to be late for Halo if he wasn't careful. "I'll call you on Friday regarding your results, Dr. Hofstadter."

"Sure, sure. Bye Penny."

"Bye Leonard," she smiled and walked off with Sheldon.

"The roommate trick?" chuckled Howard. "Pretty smooth buddy."

"It's not a trick," countered Leonard. "You know I'm always complaining about how small my apartment is."

"But it means living with Sheldon Cooper," warned Raj. "Are you sure about this?"

Leonard stared dreamily at Penny as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm sure," he said adamantly. "And I call dibs."

xTBBTx

Wikipedia: Miniature Golf

Marvel Wiki: List of Divorced Characters

Thefreelibrarycom: Newton's Guide to Putt-Putt

Golf Digestcom: Putting with Dave Stockton

Youtube: Elizabeth Wagner: How to Weave on a Loom


	6. The Leviathan Coalescence

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Grasshopper Experiment'; 'The Middle Earth Paradigm'

Reference to: 'The Higgs Boson Observation'; 'The Loobenfeld Decay'; 'The Hamburger Postulate'

xTBBTx

As soon as Penny opened her car door it hit her: the smell of _clean_.

"What the heck?" She sat in her seat and closed the door. Immediately she noticed the sheen to her dashboard as layers of dust had been removed. Her eyes turned to the passenger floor mat, now spotless. Even the dead moth in the back windshield was gone.

"Son of a gun," she chuckled as she put the car in gear and drove off.

She turned on the radio and began to sing in order to limber up her voice. There was an audition for a local theater company which was putting on a one night showcase rendition of 'Rent' and her horoscope told her that today was her day to shine.

XxX

Sheldon scowled at his whiteboard. The posit was wrong. Again.

He erased a particularly annoying set of numbers before beginning to pace.

"Complete information about a physical system at one point in time should determine its state at any other time. _Or_, physical information permanently disappears, allowing many physical states to devolve into the same state," he mumbled. At this point he was no better than a fence-sitter and that was intolerable. Sheldon Cooper always had an opinion.

"I'm definitely hungry," he decided and checked his watch. It was time to get ready if he was to make it to Big Boy. He changed into his bus pants, grabbed his jacket and messenger bag and set off.

It had been two weeks and five days since the day of infamy where his digestive balance had been disrupted by an unscheduled hamburger. He thought for sure he'd require a laxative but fortunately he'd gone the next morning although the consistency was different. All it took was a higher end fiber cereal for the next two days and all was back to normal.

Except he no longer enjoyed his Big Boy.

As he chewed the famous burger he realized that its double decker formation meant a less satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. A subsequent meal only reinforced this new revelation.

Sheldon paused in thought at the bus stop.

Today was Tuesday and Tuesday was Big Boy night.

His taste buds craved a single decker hamburger.

The bus came along and people boarded. Except for Sheldon Cooper. Instead he ventured to the intersection and crossed with the light over to the opposing bus stop. He checked his watch. Given the traffic flow to the restaurant and back it looked as though Sheldor the Conqueror would be late to the join the battle this evening.

This was another strike.

XxX

"Well that wasn't too bad," Penny said to herself as she drove to work. She didn't make the cut but she really turned some heads at the audition once she began to sing. Maybe musicals were the way to go? Too bad she was already strapped for cash otherwise she'd enroll in some singing classes.

"Ah, well, guess I gotta rely on raw talent," she grinned as she turned on the radio.

Penny did a few miles over the speed limit to get to work on time. She'd managed to have Bernadette cover two hours of her shift so she could go to the audition. In exchange the Nebraskan would take one of her coworker's shifts as the petite woman needed time off to work on her grad school assignments.

After parking at the back Penny gave a 'shave and a haircut' knock at the kitchen entrance and was let in. She clocked in and washed her hands thoroughly in the sink before tying on an apron.

"Hi Penny," squeaked Bernadette as she came to the back. "How did your audition go?"

"I didn't get it but I've got a feeling that something good's gonna come of this," bubbled Penny.

"That's awesome. Anyways, you've got section 'C'."

"Thanks so much for covering."

"No problem."

Penny made sure she had her order pad and pen set in her apron before commencing her shift. Almost immediately her eyes recognized her neighbor as he sat at their previous table.

"Hey," she said with a grin. "Whatcha doing here?"

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "I'm hungry. It's an eating establishment."

"But I thought it was Big Boy night?"

His mouth twitched. "It was—until you ruined it."

"_Me_? What did I do?"

"I can't believe you're playing innocent when in fact you took me to your place of work and introduced me to a hamburger that is superior to the Big Boy." He shook his head. "And here I was thinking that weekly coupons were an aggressive tactic to drum up business." Penny snorted.

"I didn't take you here to mess up your mojo. You just seemed kinda freaked about where you eat so I thought to take you here since I know it inside and out."

"Oh really? What's the expiry date on the coffee creamers?"

Penny rolled her eyes. "Lemonade, right?"

"And a barbecue bacon cheeseburger layered in the order of barbecue sauce, cheese and bacon."

"One barbecue bacon cheeseburger. Slightly whacked. Fries or salad?"

"Fries," he said with a scowl.

"Okay, well I'll be back."

Sheldon watched her as she moved first to the order kiosk and then the bar. She had muscular calves and a firm buttocks as well as a slight shift to her right hip that could potentially aggravate her L1 joint if she wasn't careful.

Penny got his lemonade and returned to see him writing something on a napkin.

"Everything okay?" she asked as she set down his drink.

"Until such a time as the Higgs boson is discovered thus confirming through its mass that the universe at some point in the future will end in a fast-spreading bubble of doom quite like a Seven-Eleven slurpee." Sheldon noticed the silence and glanced to see Penny looking at him strangely. "More napkins, please." He returned to writing. The waitress took some out of her apron and set them down to his left. She continued to watch him write, incomprehensible math symbols flowing from his pen.

"That's all," he said. Dismissed, Penny went on to her next table.

XxX

Penny brought her tray to the table to clear up after Sheldon had left. She opened the money folder to find the exact change for the bill and a note written on a napkin:

_I specifically ordered a barbecue bacon cheeseburger layered in the order of barbecue sauce, cheese and bacon which I did not receive as the burger you gave me was most definitely stacked in the order of cheese, barbecue sauce and bacon._

_As I also must include my bus fare in my expenditure for this evening I've decided to mitigate the financial loss by diverting your tip to my pocket. _

_Next time I expect my order to be correct._

_Dr. Sheldon Cooper_

"Next time?" Penny murmured.

xTBBTx

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

Penny unfurled herself from the couch and went to open the door.

"What's up?" she asked as she took in her neighbor's rather animated demeanor.

"It's Wednesday," he said. Penny's eyes widened as she shook her head waiting for a prompt. "New comic book night. Grab your keys and let's go."

"Wait, what? Dr. C. I don't need any comics."

Sheldon pursed his lips. "You're the one who started this entropic snowball down the hill so don't try to get out of it now."

"But I—"

"Why is everything a conversation with you?" he sighed exasperatingly. "The sooner we go the sooner I'm back to play Halo. I can't make myself any plainer."

"Yeah, I guess not." In spite of herself Penny laughed.

XxX

"For the last time, Penny, just because your Ice Man Liddell is an accomplished mixed martial arts champion doesn't mean he can 'kick Superman's ass'," sighed Sheldon as Penny and he entered the comic book store.

"So you're telling me ol' Supes knows ju jitzu, muay thai kick boxing, wrestling and boxing?" the Nebraskan asked amusedly.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "The Man of Steel can't be judged by human standards. He's the strongest hero in the DC Universe and is virtually indestructible," he explained while putting on his latex gloves as the pair crossed over to the new comics wall.

"'Virtually' doesn't mean completely."

"Superman is vulnerable to magic, various forms of Kryptonite, a red sun and arguably psychic abilities."

"What's Kryptonite?"

"The ore form of a radioactive element from Superman's destroyed world of Krypton," Sheldon said absently as he checked over a Flash comic. "It had a red sun unlike our Sol thus Kryptonians lacked the power Kal-El had on Earth."

Penny chuckled. "So what you're saying is that Superman can be beaten by Psychs, Spells and Rocks n Red Sol."

The physicist glared at her grin as Howard and Raj made their way over.

"A red soul also means it's primed for love," Howard said smoothly as he sidled by Penny.

"Hey. Uh, you're Leonard's friend Howard, right?" asked Penny as she took a slight step away.

"Actually, it's more like Leonard's my friend," the engineer amended. "It's my posse and I'm the show if you know what I mean."

Raj rolled his eyes and gave Penny a little wave before venturing off to the graphic novel section. There was _no_ way he wanted her to think he was a part of Howard's crew, especially when the engineer was having one of his 'God's gift to women' moments.

"No, I can't say I do," the waitress said drolly.

"First of all your 'red Sol' allusion is ridiculous as Sol is the name of our sun—our yellow sun—and not a synonym for any ol' star," tutted Sheldon.

"I'm the Wolowizard of love and believe me when I say my wand's always charged and ready to go," Howard oozed to Penny.

"And you should know that a red sol doesn't mean love it means that it's a dying star in the last stages of stellar evolution," the physicist said to the short man. "How you can be a doctor in engineering and yet not know this is extraordinary."

"Actually, I'm not a doctor," Howard replied sheepishly. "My Masters is from MIT."

"Oh. Well, that explains your ignorance," Sheldon conceded.

"I wasn't ignorant I was being poetic," Howard replied through gritted teeth. "Now if you don't mind Penny and I are in the midst of pre-coital banter."

"Ah. Well far be it from me interrupting your mating ritual." Sheldon went back to looking over his comics.

"What?" gasped Penny. "There is no mating ritual," she spat and stomped off to another part of the store.

"And so it begins," grinned Howard.

Sheldon looked up. "What begins?"

"Amour. The heart's tango."

"Ah."

Immediately Howard was serious. "You don't mind, do you?"

Sheldon was confused. "Why would I mind?"

"Well, she is with you."

"She's my neighbor and waitress and driver to the comic book store," amended Sheldon. "What she does with herself the rest of the time is completely of her own choosing and irrelevant to me." He left the engineer to go pay for his purchases.

"That's all I needed to hear," Howard said with a smirk as Raj came over to join him.

"What did you say to Penny?" the astrophysicist hissed.

"I was just establishing the parameters of our carnal rapport," shrugged Howard.

"Yeah but Leonard's hitting on her."

"And where is he?"

"Doing Sheldon's experiment."

"See? Someone has to keep his priorities straight," Howard winked. Raj rolled his eyes.

XxX

Sheldon and Penny were silent as she drove.

"Drat," tsked the physicist. "I should have asked when Dr. Hofstadter gets home from the lab." He turned to his neighbor. "If I don't see him next Wednesday I suppose you can ask Howard when you're conducting the heart's tango."

"Conducting the wha?" Penny blanched. "Oh my God do you think I'm interested in Howard?"

"He seems to think so."

"Wow."

"So is that an affirmative?"

"Of course not!" Penny snapped. "He's so totally not my type. I mean, he's not athletic or cute in that rugged 'I use Old Spice' kinda way."

"I see."

"Not that I'm saying that I'm shallow or anything," the Nebraskan continued hurriedly. "A guy also has to be kind and funny and have a sexy butt, y'know?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Ah yes, Darwinism at its best."

"Darwin?"

"The man whose contribution to science boils down to recognizing your desire for sexy buttocks as a product of natural selection," he said drolly.

Penny didn't get where he was going. "He's some kind of butt doctor?"

"No, he's not a proctologist. He was a nineteenth century geologist and naturalist best known for his contributions to evolutionary theory."

"Oh, okay, he's the monkey guy."

"The monkey guy," tsked Sheldon as he shook his head. "Yes, as much as Isaac Newton can be summed up as the 'apple guy'."

Penny grinned at him through the rear view mirror. "Is that the cute guy on the commercial? You know, 'Hello, I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC'."

"Newton's been dead for two hundred and seventy nine years."

"Ah, well you see I didn't know that."

"Obviously."

A thought came to her. "So is he the guy they named the cookies after?"

"Oh dear Lord," sighed they physicist.

"If you don't know just say so."

"The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts."

Penny shook her head. "Again, how do you know all this stuff?"

"As I explained I've an I.Q. of one hundred and eighty seven and an eidetic memory."

"Yeah but things just didn't fall into your head. What did you do, read an encyclopedia?"

"Among other things," murmured Sheldon as he looked out the side window.

"Seriously?"

"I grew up in a Christian household. Mother didn't allow much in the line of secular reading when I was a toddler."

"Huh. I remember in primary school we used to look up swear words in the dictionary."

"A valuable use of academic resources," Sheldon quipped.

"Yeah, well what did you do?" Penny said with a scowl.

"Proved that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. Oh wait, that doesn't count. I was five when I did that."

"Didn't you do anything like, I dunno, make mud pies?"

Sheldon was horrified. "Do you know what types of bacteria exist in dirt?"

"Why do I have the feeling I'm gonna know now?" Penny chuckled.

"Mock me if you will but raw earth harbors contaminants such as heavy metals, bacteria from sewage or manure and parasites, especially roundworms from pet or wildlife feces."

"I knew enough to stay away from manure. I grew up on a farm."

"Oh dear."

"What?"

"The potential for cross-species virus transmission is exceptional."

"What?" She spotted Sheldon move as far away from her as he could. "I'm not infected with anything!"

"So you claim." They pulled into her parking spot. Penny killed the engine and turned to her companion.

"You are something else, Dr. C."

"Penny, just because I choose to acknowledge the inherent danger present in our environment doesn't mean I'm anything other than prudent."

"More like paranoid," she muttered as they got out of the car. They walked to the front of the building.

"Why are you always questioning my intellectual authority?" Sheldon asked as he held the door open for her to enter the lobby.

"Your what? Look I'm no where near as smart as you are but I've been around the block a few times so I know b.s. when I hear it," she said as she pressed the elevator button and the doors opened.

"You know a bachelor of science?" Sheldon paused as they stepped into the elevator. "That doesn't even make any sense."

"Oh boy," sighed Penny as the doors closed.

xTBBTx

_Go out dancing or have clean clothes for next week?_ Normally it wouldn't be a choice but Penny really was scraping at the bottom of the barrel when it came to what was left in her closet to wear.

She got her laundry together and grabbed some change from her purse and made her way downstairs to the laundry room. Much to her surprise she wasn't the only one doing laundry on a Saturday night as Sheldon was there busily loading the washers.

"Hey Dr. C." Penny moved beside him and noted that all the washers but one were filled with laundry. "You sure take up the place."

"It's Saturday. Saturday at eight fifteen is laundry night," he replied as he put his red Flash shirt in the washer before closing the lid and starting the machine.

Penny noted that the other machines were half full at best.

"You could always double up some of your loads to save some cash," she offered.

Sheldon shook his head as he started his machines.

"Too many variables," he explained as he pointed to each machine. "Delicates, whites, dark colors, light colors and towels and bedding."

"Fair enough," Penny said as she flipped the lid of the last washer and to Sheldon's horror dumped in her entire basket of clothes. "So, any luck with the job hunt?"

"None are satisfactory," he replied distractedly as he watched her haphazardly pour laundry detergent into her wash and close the lid.

"Why not?"

"Well there's the commute for one thing. MIT is two thousand nine hundred and seventy nine point seven miles away and Princeton, two thousand seven hundred and thirty three."

The waitress grinned as she started her wash. "Um, I think the idea is to move closer to them."

"But my home's here."

"O-kay. Well is there anything close by?"

"There's Stanford," shrugged Sheldon. "It'd only be a ten hour and twenty minute commute."

"Still kinda sucky." Penny hopped on top of her washer.

"Hence my hesitation to accept."

"You mean you got the job?"

"Penny, I'm a world-class physicist and future Nobel Prize laureate," Sheldon sniffed.

"Okay then Dr. Nobel," smirked the Nebraskan. "What are you going to do?"

Sheldon's shoulders slumped. "I don't know. I've been mulling for several weeks but mitigating circumstances have forced me to accelerate my deliberations."

Penny nodded. "Running out of money, huh?" He pursed his lips but said nothing.

"Is that why you didn't write your Meemaw?" He looked at her in shock. "Your Mom called when you were in the washroom. It sounded like you've been avoiding them."

"Which is none of your concern," the physicist scowled.

"True." She began swinging her legs lightly against the front of the washer. "Still, when things get crazy I always call my mom."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "My I.Q. is leaps and bounds ahead of my family members. What advice could they possibly give that I haven't thought of myself?"

"Sometimes it isn't advice; it's knowing that people care about you and that you've got a place to go when the chips are down."

"You mean return to Galveston?"

"Even if it's for a little while."

"I wouldn't even return my lifeless corpse to that intellectual wasteland," growled Sheldon as he folded his arms across his chest.

"Well ya gotta do something, Dr. C." A thought came to her. "Hey, have you talked to Leonard?"

"We conversed last night. His experiment confirmed what I already knew."

"That's cool. But did you ask him about the roommate thing?"

"I don't want a roommate," Sheldon said firmly.

"You don't have a choice, bub." Penny hopped off the washer. "You need to be saving money pronto and a roomie totally halves your rent and bills."

"Not all my bills. There's still food, cell phone—"

She placed her hands on her hips and mock frowned. "Quit being difficult."

"I'm precise, not difficult," he amended.

"PotAto potAHto. Listen, it'll give you more time to decide what to do. Just sayin'." Penny headed to the door. "Oh, that reminds me I'm having a Halloween party on the weekend so things might get a little loud."

"So long as the noise ordinance is observed at eleven pm I'm sure there'll be no problem."

"Oh yay. So what are you going to do?"

"As it's Saturday I'll be doing laundry and participating on the comics message board."

"Ah." She paused at the door. "You can come to my party if you like. It's no big deal. Just a few of my friends goofing around in costumes drinking and dancing."

He perked up. "Are the costumes random or genre specific?"

"I think people just pick them up at the Costume Depot. Come on, it'll be fun."

He cocked his head in thought. "What are the prizes?"

"Prizes?"

"For the costume parade. You know, most frightening, most original, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle."

"Sorry, sweetie but there isn't gonna be a parade or prizes," Penny said gently. "Just some friends getting together to have fun."

"Well that sounds boring," Sheldon said dismissively.

"We're simple folk. See ya."

"Where are you going?"

"Upstairs," she said slowly although she could already sense an argument in the works.

"But the sign says not to leave your laundry unattended," Sheldon said adamantly as he pointed to the card on the wall.

Penny shrugged. "I've done it all the time and nothing's happened."

"That doesn't mean that nothing _could_ happen only that nothing _has_ happened."

"Well are you going to be here?"

"Of course."

"Then you can watch my stuff," she said with a pleasant smile.

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "You expect me to assume responsibility for your apparel?"

"Yeah, what was I thinking?" Penny reentered the room and sat on a dryer. "So when's the last time you went to a Halloween party?"

"I was ten. There was a Fall Festival at the Church."

"Sounds like fun."

He pursed his lips. "Hardly. It was a tedious night of bobbing for apples and bean bag tosses and pin the tail on the Leviathan. Not to mention it had a Noah's Ark dress theme."

"Aw, that must have been cute with all the little animals," cooed the waitress. "What did you go as?"

"Homo habilis."

"That must have gone over well," Penny chuckled.

"Everyone kept calling me a monkey and trying to put me with Marcia Higgins because she was dressed like a primate," the physicist recalled with a touch of disdain to his voice.

"Your family was pretty religious, huh?"

"'Pretty religious'?" squawked Sheldon. "Like the Grand Canyon is a crack in the earth."

"So how did you get into science?"

"I've always been curious—and I was never satisfied with mother's typical answer that 'God made it so', particularly as I read explanations in the encyclopedia. When I needed clarification I'd ask my Pop-Pop and he'd bring me to the library to look things up." Penny noted Sheldon's features soften. "Thanks to him I was exposed to the works of Newton and Faraday and Einstein and Feynman. He was the only one in the family who encouraged my scientific endeavors."

"He sounds great," she grinned.

"He was irreplaceable."

Silence.

"Yeah, my parents are farmers," began Penny. "Dad just didn't get it when I told him I wanted to act."

"It's hardly a stable career path," countered Sheldon. "His worry was justified."

"Anyhoo," she frowned. "The point is that I get where you're coming from." He snorted. "What?"

"How many acting jobs have you had?"

"Well none yet but I've only been here a little over two years," she said sheepishly.

Sheldon's hands went behind his back as he raised himself on his toes. "Let me get this straight: I'm a scientific wunderkind who's been the recipient of multiple awards and accolades and you're an as yet to be employed actress and yet you 'get' where I'm coming from?"

"Yeah I do," she snapped. "And don't be such a douche."

"A feminine hygiene product?"

"It means you're being an ass."

"I fail to see the logic. A douche is used to cleanse the vagina not the anus. If anything I would be an enema." Penny giggled.

"You're awesome."

"Of course I am."

"And humble."

"I'm merely being honest." Penny's phone rang.

"Hello? Oh, hey Gwen. 'Sup?" Sheldon rolled his eyes. Penny pursed her lips teasingly as she made her way to the door. "No kidding. Wow. Hey listen, I was thinking of having a Halloween party next weekend. Yeah. … I dunno, my schedule's upstairs. Just a sec." She turned to Sheldon. "Hey, I gotta go up for a sec so watch my stuff okay?"

"To reiterate—"

"Thanks Dr. C." She darted up the stairs.

Sheldon glared at the open doorway.

XxX

Penny moved the phone away from her ear to check the time.

"Crap on a cracker! Sorry Gwen but I've gotta go. I left Dr. C. in the laundry room with my stuff and— … Oh shut up! He's my neighbor, smartass. … Yeah, yeah, yeah. See ya."

She hung up and got off the couch.

"Wow, that was a gab and a half."

Penny opened the door to find her laundry folded in her basket.

xTBBTx

Penny wove her way around a young couple pushing a stroller as she jogged her way through the park. When she left the apartment she really didn't want to go but fortunately she was the type of person who got an exercise 'high' so her enthusiasm increased as the miles went by.

The wind was picking up and on a hunch she went to the far end of the large grassy central field. Sure enough there was her lanky neighbor adjusting something on his kite. Penny stopped and began to stretch as she watched Sheldon stick something in the ground and then place the kite behind it, making sure the lines of the kite were taut. He then walked straight back fifty feet, looking around all the while to see if the coast was clear.

There was a pause and then he swiftly stepped back about three feet while tugging on the lines.

The kite was in the air.

Penny stepped off the path onto the side of the grassy hill and sat as she watched it ascend into the sky. At a certain point the kite stopped and seemed to hover in wait for Sheldon's commands. The physicist was relaxed, his arms at his sides, and then he brought them forward and back. The kite gently flipped over and over and just as Penny thought it would crash it came out of its turn and returned to its previous height and hovering position.

As time went by Penny was absolutely awed at the command in which Sheldon flew his kite as he effortlessly made back flips and rolls and rotations. She gawked as with a sharp flick of his right hand a lazy back flip became authoritative spins as if the kite was a windmill.

Sheldon might be whacked but if he knew physics even half as well as he knew kites Penny realized he was more than a 'math guy' who liked comic books. He moved the kite through its paces, its angles precise and crisply executed. _I wonder what he sees up there?_ Was it wind speeds and geometry? She wished she could see his face, wondered if he was smiling or stern in his concentration. _Does he know how beautiful this is?_

The kite moved in a gentle arc to the left towards the ground and with a simple flip it landed lightly on its tips.

Penny got up and dusted off her butt, noticing that several other people had settled in beside her to watch Sheldon strut his stuff. She shook her head. No, he wasn't showing off; he was having fun. Only his 'fun' always seemed to incorporate perfection and precision. Total control.

_I wonder what he'd be like if he really let loose?_

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper—party animal," she chuckled and resumed her run.

xTBBTx

Penny looked at the couple with complete sympathy.

"This can't continue," she muttered and, pad and pen in hand, made her way to the table.

"So," she said overly enthusiastically. "Are you ready to order?"

Lalita Gupta looked hopefully at Rajesh, who shyly shook his head. The woman sighed and got up from the table.

"Let me freshen up before we eat," she said and departed for the washroom.

"You know you'll have to talk to her sometime," Penny said. For his part, the astrophysicist slumped in his seat. A thought came to the waitress. "Hey, maybe you need a drink to loosen up." Raj shook his head, no. "It's just a glass. What could happen?" He looked at her dubiously. "At the very least it couldn't hurt," she said with a shrug. Raj sighed and nodded, sending Penny off to the bar.

Lalita returned to the table and made herself comfortable. The couple smiled politely at each other.

"So how are your mother and father?" she asked. Raj gave her a shy thumb's up. "That's good."

Silence.

"Here we go," said a chipper Penny as she returned to the table with a green drink complete with straw and little umbrella. "A grasshopper for you." She set it down in front of the astrophysicist, who immediately took a big gulp. "So to recap on tonight's specials we have—"

"I can't believe how much weight you lost," gushed Raj to his dinner companion.

"Oh, well, thank you," blushed Lalita.

"Because you used to be so very, very fat."

Penny's eyes widened. "Uh, the fish tonight is tilapia in lemon sauce and-"

"Yes I know," Lalita said with gritted teeth.

"—Uh, there's a steak special with—"

"Yeah, I guess it'd be pretty hard to forget, you know, being that fat," said Raj before taking a sip of his drink.

"I think I'll give you a few minutes to decide," Penny said diplomatically and stepped away. She happened to glance at the bar and approached her lanky neighbor.

"Hello sailor, new in town?" she quipped.

"Hardly."

"Didn't know you were a drinking man," she said indicating his drink.

"Virgin diet Cuba Libre."

"That's more like it. So what brings you here?"

"My usual table is occupied," he said crisply. "I'll have to see someone about permanently reserving it."

"Eyah. By the way, thanks for finishing my laundry."

Sheldon snorted. "Well it's not like I had any choice in the matter. You put me in charge of your apparel and the laundry room closes at eleven. I hardly planned to spend the night there."

"Nevertheless I owe you."

"Don't worry. I've already deducted the cost of the dryers from your tip."

Penny curtseyed. "I live to serve."

"I thought you wanted to be an actress?"

"Sarcasm Dr.—"

"Where are you going?" pleaded Raj.

"Home," seethed Lalita as the pair made their way to the exit. "All evening you don't say a word and then you're an absolute boor. I stayed because our parents arranged the meeting but I've more than—"

"Princess Panchali?" gasped the East Texan. The Indian couple stopped arguing and turned to Sheldon.

"Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair," Sheldon said in a voice Penny had never heard. It was revering. Gentle.

Lalita was confused. "I'm sorry?"

"You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Panchali."

"Who's that?"

"A beloved character from an Indian folktale. The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair." Penny picked up Sheldon's drink and sniffed it.

"Oh really?" Lalita blushed softly.

"It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips."

"Don't mind him," snapped Raj. "He's crazy."

"Why, because he thinks I'm beautiful?" growled Lalita.

"No, because he's Sheldon Cooper."

"Hey there Mute-Boy," Penny started.

"I'm not crazy," Sheldon interjected indignantly. "My mother had me tested."

Lalita had enough. "That's it," she said to Raj. "First you insult me and now this"—here she smiled at Sheldon—"gentleman."

Raj's jaw dropped. "He's not a gentleman, he's Sheldon Cooper! The guy who counts the raisins in his rice pudding."

"I'm going home, Rajesh," sniffed Lalilta.

"But we haven't had dinner," he pleaded.

"My appetite's gone, taking me with it." She stormed from the room.

Sheldon shook his head in amazement. "Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Panchali led the monkeys to freedom."

"Not helping, Dr. C," mumbled Penny.

Raj was beside himself. "If I die alone this is all your fault!" he snapped at the physicist before he stomped out.

"Wow." Penny turned to her neighbor. "What did you do that for?"

"Do what?"

"You know, say those things to her: lotus blossom hair and ruby lips."

"I was merely describing Princess Panchali," the physicist said evenly.

"But she's not Princess Panchali."

Blue eyes met green.

"She is in some universe," he said before turning to take a sip of his drink.

Penny felt herself flush. "I'll, uh, let you know when your table's ready." He nodded and she took off.

xTBBTx

Wikipedia: Black Hole Information Paradox; Kryptonite; Charles Darwin

Cosmiclognbcnews: Will our universe end in a 'big slurp'?

Spacecom: Red Giant Stars

Aboutkidshealthcom: The Hazards and Benefits of Eating Dirt

YouTube: Stunt Kite Flying. DPMama74


	7. The Braveheart Misnomer

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Pancake Batter Anomaly'

Reference to: 'The Middle Earth Paradigm'; 'The Dumpling Paradox'

xTBBTx

Raj sidled up beside Leonard as the latter flipped through a comic bin.

"'Penny' for your thoughts?" the astrophysicist chuckled. In return Leonard gave him a dirty look. "Come on dude lighten up."

Leonard sighed. "I can't believe I missed her last week. I mean suppose she met someone here?"

Raj glanced around the store, spotting Lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants reading at the new comics wall, Stuart at the cash flipping through the Previews magazine and several other socially awkward men.

"I don't think that's a problem. Besides, Howard had her all to himself." Leonard stopped flipping comics and closed his eyes.

"Aw, don't say that," he groaned. "I'll be lucky if she wants to talk to any of us again."

"Well it's no big loss since she comes with a giant praying mantis," Raj said crisply.

"What did Cooper do now?"

"Stole my date at the restaurant."

Immediately Leonard brought to mind all the awkward interactions he'd had with the East Texan.

"Get out of here," he chuckled and continued to flip through the bin.

"I'm not kidding," growled Raj. "Everything was going well and then Lalita decided to"—here he paused—"take things elsewhere and we ran into Cooper at the bar. He totally hit on my girl and she left." He sighed. "I still haven't returned my parents' Skype call."

"Huh. Never would have pegged him to be a ladies man."

The door opened and everyone in the shop turned with baited breath.

In came Howard and with that the anticipation popped like a balloon.

"Gentlemen," the engineer said in passing as he went to the new comics wall to collect his books. In a flash Leonard was at his side.

"Okay Howard, what did you say to Penny?"

"Say?" Howard replied teasingly. "Only what was in my heart. And loins."

"I called dibs," snapped Leonard. "You can't break the code or else 'dibs' has no meaning."

Howard chuckled. "Don't worry about it. Just think of me as a flower's seductive scent that lures in the honey bee for some sweet nectar." Leonard looked to the ceiling and sighed.

Again the door opened and in came Sheldon wearing his tan wind breaker, JLA t-shirt and khaki pants. Immediately he stopped as he took in the stillness of the store. He noted that people were staring behind him as the door swung shut. With a shrug he continued to the new comics wall.

"Watch it Leonard," whispered Howard. "Here comes the lady killer." His voice lowered. "Better hope he doesn't have Penny in his sights."

Leonard's jaw tightened as both Sheldon and he looked at each other. The bespectacled man turned his head and went back to the comic bins followed by Howard.

Sheldon cocked his head in thought. Perhaps Leonard was of similar mind that not every meeting required a formalized greeting. He shrugged his shoulders and scoured the walls for the issues he wanted. As he selected, checked for flaws and picked another he could hear Leonard and his friends talking about playing Halo. Apparently they were involved in multiplayer games with their own rules and customized maps. Sheldon continued his task but felt a slight discomfort in his stomach.

"Off to do battle?" said Stuart as Leonard, Howard and Raj paid for their items.

"The campaign continues," agreed Leonard.

"Yup. We continue to bring it to the Covenant until such a time as I can give it to Cortana," grinned Howard.

"That's rude," Raj said with a sour look. "Cortana's a lady and deserves to be talked to as such."

"Cortana is an artificial intelligence," countered the engineer.

"That doesn't mean she has no feelings."

The three men stared at the astrophysicist.

"God help you if your phone ever develops an AI," muttered Howard.

"Well anyways we're off," said Leonard. "Same Bat-time. Same Bat-channel." Stuart gave a slight smile.

"You'll know where I'll be since I have no life outside of the store," he replied. "Or life at all."

As he made to go Leonard noticed Sheldon looking at the group. Caught, the lanky man quickly turned away. The experimental physicist took in the lone figure.

"This is stupid," he said and left Raj and Howard at the door. "Dr. Cooper?"

Sheldon turned to him. "Dr. Hofstadter."

"Leonard's fine."

"I suppose although it didn't make the top one hundred baby names of two thousand and five."

"I mean you can call me by my given name, Leonard," the shorter man clarified.

"Oh. Alright." Leonard waited but Sheldon wasn't forthcoming with his own name.

"Anyways, I've just about finished collecting the data from the experiment. If you'd like I can send it to you, you know, if you wanted to write it up. Or I can. I mean it doesn't matter who writes it up."

"I'll write it as I have the time," Sheldon replied neutrally although Leonard detected a twitch to his mouth.

"Well okay then," smiled Leonard. "I'll send it to you when I get your email and—"

"scooperphd atyahoo dotcom."

"Okay. Well I guess that's that." Sheldon nodded and went back to his comics. Leonard paused as he debated with himself.

"Dr. Cooper, I don't know if you're busy or not but Howard, Raj and I were going to play—"

His words died on his lips as the door opened and Penny entered wearing a pink mini dress with matching platform shoes. She strutted towards the physicists, Howard and Raj in tow.

"Ready to go?" she asked Sheldon.

"I believe so," he replied.

"Hi Penny," gushed Leonard.

"Hey Leonard," she smiled.

"'She walks in beauty like the night'," came a voice from behind her.

"No she doesn't, Howard," Penny smirked. "And quit staring at my butt."

"I hear and obey, mi'lady."

Penny turned to Raj with a frown on her face. "You apologize to Dr. C yet?"

Raj dropped his jaw in shock and quickly whispered in Howard's ear.

"But Cooper hit on his woman," the engineer interpreted.

"Whatever," the waitress said with a roll of the eyes. "They'd just met that night."

"Love only needs but a moment," countered Howard seductively. Penny put her hands on her hips.

"He kept bringing up how fat she used to be." Now it was Howard's turn to be shocked as both Leonard and he turned to Raj.

"You spoke to her?" the engineer gasped.

"Yeah, apparently lushiface here can't keep a cork in it after a drink under his belt," snorted the Nebraskan.

Raj whispered furiously to Howard.

"Well you're the one who recommended he drink," interpreted Howard.

"To loosen him up not turn into a colossal douche bag."

"Well, to be fair, he is a douche most of the time," Howard chuckled, garnering an elbow from his best friend.

Penny cocked her head and glared at Raj. "Well?"

Raj looked down at his feet before glancing at Sheldon and nodding.

"So," Leonard interjected. "Are you going somewhere tonight?"

"Me and a few girls are going out for a little dancing," smiled Penny. "You know, girl stuff. You?"

"Ah, well, you know, going to hang out at Raj's," Leonard said with a touch of false bravado. "You know, doin' guy things."

"Pizza and video games," grinned Howard. "Oh yeah."

Penny grinned. "Sounds like you, Dr. C."

"Speaking of which, we're nearing eight o'clock," sniffed Sheldon and went to pay for his comics.

"And?" prompted Leonard.

"Wednesday at eight is Halo time," the waitress replied. "Hey, it'd be cool if you were roomies with him. Then he'd have a gaming bud."

"I haven't heard back from him, regarding the apartment I mean. I don't think he's interested."

Penny leaned in to the short physicist. "Let me work on him," she stage whispered.

"Penny, end the prattle and let's roll," insisted Sheldon.

"'Night fellas." She flashed a devastating smile and moved towards Sheldon and the exit.

"I'd like to inform you that we're five minutes ahead of schedule so you don't have to speed home," the theoretical physicist said as he held the door open for his ride.

"Yeah, but the sooner I get ya home the sooner I can put on my dancing shoes."

Sheldon paused. "But you're already wearing your dancing shoes," he said before joining her outside.

"I'd let her work on me," oozed Howard. "All night."

"That's rude, Howard," growled Leonard through pursed lips.

"So you're saying you weren't thinking the same thing?"

Silence.

"So who's up for a little Halo?" asked Leonard as he quickly exited the store.

xTBBTx

Sheldon frowned as he did his best to tune out the music, laughing and loud conversations coming from across the hall. No, check that, from in the hall as well and that was quite unacceptable. Not that the apartment doors were the best for repressing sound but they were at least better than nothing.

He got up from his computer where he'd been on his comic book message board for the past two hours and went to the refrigerator to grab an orange soda. Granted sugar after nine pm wasn't a good idea but the physicist needed something carbonated to take the edge off.

There was a thump at the door as if a body had hit it and some giggling. Sheldon rolled his eyes. He'd definitely have to javex down his door tomorrow before he ran his train.

The door shook back and forth with a simultaneous intrusion of carnal sounds.

"Oh, I don't think so," growled Sheldon as he put down his drink and marched to his door. He hesitated as he realized he couldn't just open it willy-nilly since the lovebirds seemed to be pressed against it.

_Knock Knock Knock_ "People in the hall."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "People in the hall."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "People in the hall."

Sheldon waited a moment before opening the door to see a dark haired guy wearing a Neo jacket holding a blushing high school cheerleader in his arms.

"Sorry about that bro," the guy grinned. The girl laughed.

"Somehow I highly doubt that," Sheldon replied crisply. "So which Neo are you?"

"You know, the one from The Matrix."

"Yes, I'm familiar with The Matrix but there's been two other films: Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions. So I'm asking again, which Neo are you?"

"Uh, all of them," the guy said, although a tad unsure.

"So by that answer I'll surmise you mean Neo from Matrix Revolutions." The physicist turned to the girl. "In that case you shouldn't expect much from your evening as your beau represents one of the most original concepts in recent science fiction who ultimately devolved into a colossal disappointment."

"Hey bro—"

"I'm not your 'bro'. I have two siblings in Texas and—"

A giggly shriek came from apartment 4B, cutting off the reply. Sheldon closed his door and marched across to see a crowd of costumed people gabbing and laughing while a girl in a sexy devil outfit continued to screech as she was over the shoulder of a race car driver.

"Hey Superman," grinned a curly haired woman wearing a magician's assistant costume complete with sequins and cape.

"I'm not Superman," countered Sheldon as he scanned the room for a certain blonde. "I'm merely wearing his logo on my t-shirt."

"Too bad. We could have peeked under each other's capes," she winked.

"I'm not wearing a cape. But I do have several in my apartment."

"Oh really? And where's that?"

"Across the hall—which is the reason why I can hear this infernal racket. Ah." He spotted a familiar black kitty come out of the washroom and ventured over.

"Penny," he began sternly.

"You came," she said happily. Sheldon could smell the alcohol on her breath.

"Yes, well, I thought I'd remind you that the noise ordinance comes into effect in"—he checked his watch—"one hour and forty seven minutes."

"Don't worry Dr. C, we'll be as quiet as mice," she said with her finger at her lips.

"Obviously you've never slept in an infested house," he replied with pursed lips.

"Just give me this night. I swear no more parties 'til next year."

"You might not be here next year, making this whole point moot."

"There you are," cooed the magician's assistant as she sashayed up to the physicist and his neighbor.

"Hey Carol," said Penny.

"You know Superman?"

"For the second time I am not Superman. I'm merely wearing a t-shirt with his logo," Sheldon said testily. "Obviously alcohol has suppressed your basic comprehension skills."

"My neighbor, Dr. Cooper," replied Penny. Immediately Carol's eyebrows raised in interest.

"Well the good doctor was about to show me his cape collection at his place," she purred as she took Sheldon's arm. Immediately the physicist yanked out of her grip.

"First of all, it's not a collection. They happen to be attached to specific costumes," he sniffed. "Secondly, I most certainly did not invite you into my abode. And thirdly, you don't have a purse or pouch so unless you happen to be carrying antibacterial cleanser in your brassiere your hands have to be positively vile from touching people willy-nilly." He glared at Penny. "Midnight and then I call the superintendant."

"What's his problem?" asked Carol as the physicist stalked off.

"He's okay. Just a little uptight," soothed Penny. "Come on, let's get a drink."

"This couldn't possibly get any worse," mumbled Sheldon as he bypassed a group of people on the verge of drunkenness in order to get into the hall. Suddenly the elevator doors opened and a familiar and rather large man came out wearing a Hollywood caveman outfit. "I stand corrected."

"Well, well, if it isn't Braveheart," Kurt growled with a smug grin. Sheldon noted the man flex his muscles.

"Actually, I've no opinion on Scottish Independence," replied the physicist even as his brain calculated the distance to his apartment.

"What are you talking about?"

"You keep referring to me as William Wallace. I'm unclear as to—"

"Listen asshole," snapped the bouncer as he stepped menacingly towards Sheldon. For his part the lanky man stepped back in order to keep the same distance. "First you took my tv—"

"It was Penny's television."

"You're not listening. You took my tv and now you think you can just show up here?"

At this moment Carol came to the door. Both men were still as they stared at her and she immediately knew that something was wrong.

Sheldon's relief quickly turned to dread as she darted away. He looked to Kurt and braced himself for the beating he knew was to come.

"Kurt!" came a familiar voice—a Godsend to the physicist if he believed in God—which sounded more than a little pissed.

"Hey babe," Kurt replied with a wide grin.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Penny snapped.

"I heard there was a party and Carol invited me."

The Nebraskan put her fists on her hips in annoyance. "Well this is _my_ place and _I_ sure as hell didn't invite you."

"I see you invited _him_," Kurt said, indicating Sheldon with his eyes. For his part the physicist carefully inched his way towards his door.

"He's my neighbor."

"Yeah, with benefits I bet," her ex-boyfriend chuckled.

"What?! That's all you ever think about isn't it?"

"Like you're any different!"

"Get lost!"

With a last growl Kurt stormed down the stairs. Penny took a moment to catch her breath and keep from going after him. They'd had spectacular blowups before but they usually ended up with make up sex.

That was _not_ how tonight was going to end.

She looked to Sheldon's closed door as she heard what sounded like something being lodged against it.

"Crap," she hissed and stormed back to her party. She'd have it out with Carol and apologize to Dr. C. later.

Right now she needed a drink.

XxX

Sheldon emerged from the washroom freshly showered and less tense. He padded his way into the kitchen for a mug of hot milk. The party was still going strong but the music had been lowered so he figured he'd rest undisturbed with his noise-cancelling headphones which he'd purchased and used when he first moved in until he could get used to the unfamiliar nighttime sounds.

The physicist sighed as he noted his hand was still shaking as he poured the milk into his mug. Every instinct from childhood told him that Kurt was going to 'put the hurt on' as Evan Hillier the neighborhood bully would say before going to town with Sheldon.

He put the mug in the microwave and set it to heat.

Sheldon was scared as Kurt advanced on him but even more so he was angry. Here he was, a twenty five year old acclaimed physicist living fifteen hundred and ninety five miles away from the hell that was Galveston and yet he was still facing physical harm at the hands of a complete imbecile who made up for lack of brains with a plethora of muscles.

"All of this over a stupid television," Sheldon muttered. His neighbor came to mind with her green eyes and grateful smile. _This is what I get for answering my do—_

There was a knock at the door.

Immediately Sheldon darted to his coffee table and picked up his lightsaber.

Again the knock.

"Dr. Cooper?" Pause. "It's Penny. I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what happened." Pause. "I didn't know Kurt was going to show up and I'm sorry he bothered you." Pause. "You've been nothing but kind to me and I'm such a horrible neighbor"—_Is she crying?_ thought Sheldon—"and now it's gonna be strange 'cause you probably hate me and—"

Sheldon set his lightsaber beside the door and removed the lawn chair that he'd wedged under the handle. He opened his door to find a teary-eyed Penny.

"Hey," she sniffled. She took in his blue plaid pajamas and matching housecoat. It looked like something her Grandpa would wear and yet it somehow suited the physicist.

With a frown at the noise of the party behind her he stepped back and gestured with his hand for her to enter.

"Stay on the mat," he warned and she did as she moved out of the way so he could close the door.

"Are you okay?" she asked as she wiped her eyes with her fingers. "Did he hurt you?"

"I'm unscathed." Sheldon pursed his lips. "Am I to expect further visits from your ex-boyfriend? Because I won't tolerate being threatened."

"No. I don't think so. Kurt's not a dummy." Here Sheldon snorted. "Okay, not a complete dummy. He just thought it'd be like old times when we fought and then made up. But he never cheated on me 'til now. Or at least as far as I know. Maybe he's been doing it all along or at least as long as we've been in L.A."

"Penny, it's late and I'm not particularly interested in your relationship epiphany," Sheldon interjected.

"Yeah, you're right." She gave him a drunken smile. "Why can't I meet someone like you?"

Sheldon was puzzled. "I don't understand. We've already met."

Penny chuckled. "Yeah, I guess we have." Here her tone dropped. "It's just that no one's ever said I had orchids in my hair and ruby lips." She looked up with glistening eyes. "Why can't I be someone's Princess Panjelly?"

"Princess Panchali."

"Whatever."

"Well, first of all you don't look anything like a princess from an Indian folktale," began Sheldon. "Your hair isn't ebony and flowing to your waist; your skin lacks the pallor of sun-ripened wheat; your frame size—"

"Yeah, I get it, I get it. I'm not princess material," Penny said testily.

"I didn't say that. Your shape and coloration are similar to many princesses such as Cinderella, Aurora and Rapunzel."

"Oh." Her smile widened. "That's okay then."

"Now that that's settled I can go to bed." Sheldon shook his head. "I really don't know what your ex-boyfriend was saying about our relationship having benefits because you really haven't given me much."

Penny's mouth dropped. "I didn't think you were into benefits."

"A relationship, even as tenuous as ours, should be of benefit to both parties. If you insist on interrupting me with your parties and incessant knocking on my door the very least you can do is bring me to the comic book store every Wednesday." He paused. "And the occasional game of putt-putt."

"Yeah, can't forget the putt-putt," giggled the Nebraskan.

Before either could say anything Penny stepped forward and gave her neighbor a hug. Immediately Sheldon froze as he felt foreign hands on his person even as he smelled the less than aromatic combination of beer and hard liquor.

"'Night, Dr. C," Penny said as she broke the one-sided hug and Sheldon opened his door.

"Good night, Penny." He watched the waitress make her way across the hall to her own apartment before closing the door.

xTBBTx

Sheldon coughed himself awake. He turned on the bedside lamp and lay back in bed as a sudden wave of lightheadedness and nausea overcame him. Immediately thoughts of last night's interactions with numerous individuals came to mind. _The magician's assistant touched my arm_. He rolled over to grab his thermometer and took his temperature.

One hundred and two degrees.

"Oh Lord," he whispered.

Slowly he got out of bed but before he could slip into his housecoat his stomach lurched and it was all he could do to make it to the toilet. Sheldon threw up twice and then spent several moments dry heaving before he got himself under control. He flushed the toilet and washed his hands thoroughly before gargling with mouthwash.

"Need to rehydrate," he mumbled and opened the medicine cabinet for the bottle of Tylenol and his Vaporub. The physicist made his way to the kitchen and set his medical supplies on the counter so he could get himself a glass of water. He popped two Tylenol and took a drink.

"I'm cold," he said miserably. He refilled his glass and took the medicine to his room. Once he'd rearranged his night table to accommodate the glass and bottles he took out a latex glove before settling into bed. Sheldon put on the glove and raised his pajama top before opening the bottle of Vaporub. He stuck his finger in only to groan as he realized that the jar was practically empty. Thanks to his strict adherence to hygiene it had been a long time since he was last sick. Unfortunately out of sight obviously meant out of mind as he'd forgotten that he'd used up the Vaporub.

"I take the bus all the time," he growled. "How can being in a room with a few people possibly—"

_Penny hugged me._

Sheldon pursed his lips.

XxX

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Peddy."

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Peddy."

*cough*cough*

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Peddy."

Inside 4B Penny rolled over in bed and groaned. She hadn't meant to get as drunk as she had but Kurt showing up really messed with her mojo. _To-tally didn't see that in my horoscope_.

Another three knocks with a garbled 'Penny' chaser came her way. She knew that Sheldon wouldn't stop until she answered so she got out of bed and dragged herself to the door. She took in her pale neighbor wearing a winter hat, mitts and comforter over his housecoat.

"Hallowe'en was yesterday," she yawned. "'Sup?"

"I'll tell you what's 'sup'—last night's dinner plus several ounces of gastric secretions," Sheldon sniffled. He held out his mitt holding an empty jar. "I'm out of Vaporub."

"I don't have any."

"I wasn't asking if you did. I'd never use contaminated Vaporub." Again he sniffled. "I need Vaporub."

Penny sighed. "Can't it wait 'til later? I mean I'm totally messed right now." She indicated her outfit. "I didn't even get out of my costume."

"Or washed off your makeup, yes I know." Penny's hands immediately went to her face as she turned away.

"Okay, I've got to go."

"Yes you do—to the pharmacy."

She pursed her lips. "And just what would you do without me?"

"Go on in good health." He coughed twice.

"Exa—" She glared. "It's _my_ fault you're sick?"

"You brought a gaggle of strangers to our floor, one of whom touched me with her pestilent paw. Not to mention you fondled my person."

"I _what?!_" Her mouth dropped.

He sniffled. "You heard me. I was in my pajamas when you stepped into my space and put your hands—"

"Okay, okay I get the picture!" She swallowed hard as she looked at her obviously miserable neighbor. "Let me clean up and I'll get your Vaporub."

"Agreed." Sheldon turned and shuffled his way back to his apartment.

Penny closed her door and rested her forehead against it. She counted to ten before letting out a groan.

"What the frak did I do?"

She made her way into her bedroom and stripped out of her cat costume before going into the bathroom. One look in the mirror and she brought out the jar of cold cream to get the makeup off. As she rubbed and scrubbed she wracked her brain but couldn't remember anything about Sheldon after finding him in the hall with Kurt.

'_You fondled my person.'_

She did remember the sneer on her ex-boyfriend's face as she accused him of always thinking about sex.

'_Like you're any different.'_

Immediately she was inundated with memories of Sheldon at the comic book store and putt-putt course—even the Cheesecake Factory.

_A windy day as she watched his beautiful kite dance in the sky. _

Penny stared into the mirror with her creamy gray face from the cold cream mixing with the cat makeup.

"I'm never getting drunk again."

XxX

Penny paid for her items and exited Walgreens. She'd gotten the Vaporub and decided to toss in a roll of Halls throat lozenges and two cans of chicken noodle soup. Her guilt over last night bubbled again to the surface. She had no idea how she was to act around the physicist when all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. Still, he was sick and there was no way she was going to screw this up.

Her phone rang—unknown number—and answered:

"Hello?"

"Hey Penny! It's Christie!"

"Wow. Christie. Um, how are you girl?"

"About ready to go out of my mind. You had it so right moving to L.A."

"Ya. So, what's up?"

"Well I ran into your brother last week—by the by a little birdie told me he's found a new place to 'do some cookin' if ya know what I mean. Anyways, he made me think of you and I realized that I'm not happy here. Omaha sucks."

"Nothing beats L.A."

"Just what I was thinking. So anyways, I was wondering if you could put me up for a bit while I get myself set up?"

"You—you're coming to L.A.?"

"Yup. I just figured you'd be cool to hang with since you could show me the place and whatnot. I mean we're practically family."

"Yup. Listen I've gotta go. Is this your number?"

"You bet. I'll let you get back to your man."

"My what? I'm in a Walgreen parking lot thank you very much."

"Fresh out of condoms, huh? It's cool, girl. I'll talk to ya later."

"Yeah."

Penny hung up and shoved her phone in her purse.

"Why the hell does everyone think I'm a slut?" she seethed.

'_I was in my pajamas when you—'_

"Oh. Yeah," Penny sighed as she opened her car door.

XxX

"Dr. C?" Penny said as she knocked at his apartment.

She heard the sounds of shuffling feet and sniffling come closer until the lock turned and the door opened to reveal a gaunt and shivering Sheldon wrapped in his comforter.

"Oh sweetie, you don't look good," she said softly.

"My fever hasn't broken," Sheldon replied hoarsely. "I'm trying not to dehydrate but I'm unsure of my fluid intake-outtake ratio."

"I've got your Vaporub and some Halls and some chicken soup." Penny held out the bag and he took it; for an instant their fingers touched and she could feel their icy coldness. "Hey, if you want I can make the soup at my place and bring over a bowl."

"Your place is teeming with germs," he sniffled.

"Okay well I was just offer—"

"You'll have to heat it here," he said and with that moved away from the door to his lawn chair.

Penny stood stunned in the hall before getting a hold of herself and entered his apartment. She closed the door and sanitized her feet before padding over to the physicist.

"Okay let me get the soup and—"

"Wash your hands," he said firmly. "The bathroom's down the hall."

"Sure thing." She went to the washroom and was nearly bowled over by the smell of bleach as she opened the door. Taking a breath she entered and proceeded to wash up. _God this place is spotless_. Everything shone, from the floor tiles to the chrome of the faucets. Combined with the smell it reminded her of a hospital, more clinical than homey. In fact, as far as she saw clinical pretty much described his entire apartment.

"Okay Dr. C," she said cheerily as she returned to the living room. "Just tell me where—" On the counter was a pot and lid, can opener, bowl and tablespoon. "Oh. Okay. Thanks."

Penny got busy and in no time the soup was heating on the stove. She looked to her neighbor who sat shivering in his chair.

"Isn't there somewhere more comfortable you could be?" she asked.

"My bed."

"Why don't you get into bed and I'll bring you the soup?"

"Because no one can be in my room," he said adamantly before coughing.

"No problem. We'll stay out here."

"Of course my room is already contaminated," he said slowly. "I'll have to sanitize it regardless if you enter." He stood. "I'll get a tray and leave my door open."

"Sure thing." She watched him shuffle off.

After a few minutes and an occasional stir the soup was ready and she poured some into the bowl before taking it to his room.

"Soup's on," she said brightly and stepped into what she could best describe as a pre-teen's bedroom. While everything was neat as a pin Penny noted that Sheldon had Superman bed sheets and framed comic books on his walls. "Here ya go." She set the soup on his tray as the physicist sat up in bed.

"What kind is it?" he asked.

"Chicken noodle."

"With little stars in it?" he said hopefully.

"Uh, no."

Sheldon wriggled his nose as he peered into the hot mix.

"You said you had to keep your fluids up," Penny reminded him.

"Point." He took his spoon and gracefully dipped it into the soup before bringing it to his lips. "This isn't low sodium," he said, making a slight face.

"Just work with me will ya? I'll get you the right soup next time."

"Should I survive this encounter," he muttered. Penny rolled her eyes.

As Sheldon ate Penny looked around his room. There was an assortment of action figures and toys on his dresser and shelving unit which also held a whole whack of comic books.

"There's your Green Lantern guy," she said as she indicated the action figure on his shelf. "Who's the dude in the red suit?"

"That 'dude' is the Flash," he replied between mouthfuls.

"Ah. I guess he has something to do with electricity." She caught Sheldon's glare. "Well he's got a lightning bolt on his chest."

"The Flash possesses super-speed. He can move, think and react at light speed as well as having superhuman endurance that allows him to run incredible distances." Sheldon paused to take a sip of soup. "He can vibrate so fast that he can pass through walls akin to quantum tunneling and travel through time."

A smirk came to Penny's face. "So how does he keep his clothes on?"

"He has an invisible aura around his body that prevents both his physical body and clothing from being affected by air friction as he moves at high speed."

"How convenient." Here she chuckled. "Then again comics are read by kids. Though it'd be funny calling him the Streaker."

"I'm finished with my soup," he said crisply and Penny took the tray albeit with a grin. "Rinse the bowl and leave the tray on the counter. I'll sterilize it later."

"Yes boss." The waitress did as she was told and after washing up in the bathroom returned to see her neighbor.

"All's done, kiddo," she said. "So anyways how do you want to do the door? Should I leave it unlocked or will you get up?"

"My keys are in the drawer," Sheldon replied as he settled himself in the covers. Penny retrieved them, noting the blue box-like keychain labeled 'Police Box'.

"Okay, well—"

"You're leaving me _now_?" he said a tad panicky.

"I've gotta tidy up my apartment from last night."

"As you haven't bothered to clean your apartment since I've known you, I can't see why it's now a priority."

"I _have_ cleaned my apartment, smartiboots," snapped Penny. She thought for a moment. "Once," she murmured with a tinge of a blush. "Besides, you'll be sleeping so there's no big deal."

Sheldon reached across for his phone.

"Give me your number so I can text you to come over," he said with a sniffle.

"626 756 1534." Penny turned to go. "Have a good sleep and—"

"Can you rub the Vaporub on my chest?"

"You're kidding."

"It makes my hands smell funny," he pouted.

"I don't really—"

"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease—"

Penny sighed and returned to the bed and sat.

"You're a grown man who lives by himself. You can't tell me you haven't taken care of yourself when you're sick," she said with a crooked smile.

"Not this sick, no." He paused. "Well except when I was fifteen in Germany. That didn't end well as the housekeeper decided to treat my symptoms by giving me an enema."

"Damn."

Sheldon handed her the bottle of Vaporub before lifting up his pajama top and t-shirt. Penny stared at the pasty whiteness of his skin-and-bones chest complete with its tufts of brown hair. She raised an eyebrow and he returned her look with wide-eyed baby blues.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," she murmured as she opened the bottle and scooped out some of the medicated cream. She touched his chest and began to rub.

"No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats," he chided lightly.

"Sorry." Her fingers made a circle on his chest. She couldn't get over this as the guy who javexed his door actually wanted her to touch him. Immediately she flushed. _Yeah, I guess I already touched him so this is no big whoop._

"Can you sing 'Soft Kitty'?" he sniffled.

"What's that?"

"A song my mom sang to me when I was sick."

"I can't say I know it, sweetie."

"I'll teach you." He cleared his throat and sang hoarsely: "'Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur; happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.'" He stared at her earnestly. "Now you."

"Are you sure you're a world class physicist?" she asked, garnering a glare. With a slight incredulous shake of the head she began:

"Soft kitty, warm kitty…." Penny stopped, trying to remember the rest.

"Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing."

"Little ball of fur," she chuckled. "Sorry."

"Again."

"Soft kitty warm kitty, little ball of fur…."

XxX

The landline phone was in the middle of ringing as Penny came out of the washroom after washing her hands.

"God, this stuff does smell funny," she grimaced as she made for the door.

The answering machine clicked in:

"_Hello Shelly, this is yuhr mother. Still haven't heard back from yuh an' ah somehow doubt the Good Lord has silenced yuhr yap so yuh better call me back or—"_

Penny paused before darting to the phone.

"Hello, Mrs. Cooper?"

"Yes. Who am ah talkin' tuh?"

"My name's Penny. I'm Dr. Cooper's neighbor."

"Nice tuh meet yuh. Is muh son home?"

"Yeah, but he's in bed."

"Ah see."

"Uh, I mean he's sick. Sick in bed."

"How sick is sick?"

"He's got the flu."

"Poor Shelly. He never liked bein' alone when he was sick."

"Still doesn't."

"Thank yuh for takin' care of muh son. He can be a right handful."

"Yeah I noticed. … Listen, I know it's none of my business but I kinda gathered that Dr.— uh, Shelly, hasn't been talking to you lately."

"Quieter than a church mouse on a Sunday."

"… A lot's been happening and I think you should know. … Shelly lost his job at the university and…."

xTBBTx

Wikipedia: William Wallace; Flash


	8. The Friendship Protocol

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Luminous Fish Effect'; 'The White Asparagus Triangulation'; 'The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation'; 'The Dumpling Paradox'; 'The Staircase Implimentation'

Reference to: 'Pilot'; 'The Rhinitis Revelation'; 'The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem'; 'The Plimpton Stimulation'; 'The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification'; 'The Bad Fish Paradigm'

xTBBTx

"Alright sweetie I've got your soup in a bowl with saran wrap in the refrigerator," said Penny as she was in the middle of tying her hair in a ponytail.

"You're sure you have to go?" Sheldon sniffled from his lawn chair.

"I have to honor some of the cheques I write," she chuckled as she picked up her purse.

"You can always claim ill dependent."

She turned to him. "And how are you my dependent?"

"We're neighbors. I'm dependent on you while I'm convalescing. I don't see the problem," he said with a slight frown.

"The problem is that neighbor-to-neighbor relationships don't hold wind in the eyes of my employer."

"That's prejudiced."

"They just don't understand our love," she said sweetly, garnering a glare. "See ya."

Penny locked Sheldon's door and proceeded into the elevator. All in all, yesterday ended up being more memorable than her party. Once Sheldon woke up from his nap she was inundated with text messages for food, damp wash cloths and, though he'd never admit it, company. He was beyond fussy at times but after setting him straight regarding her refusal to give him a sponge bath he settled down.

She exited the building, hopped into her car and drove to work. One bright side to doing the day shift at the restaurant was that traffic wasn't as nuts as it was in the afternoon.

"Hey Pete," Penny called out to one of the cooks as she entered the kitchen at the Cheesecake Factory.

"Hello gorgeous," he grinned without looking up from the beef he was slicing.

After readying herself and clocking in Penny made for the kiosk to start her shift.

"Manager wants to see ya," said Janet.

The Nebraskan went to the bar where Trevor was chatting with the bartender.

"You wanted to see me?" she asked cautiously.

"You bet," replied Trevor. "Relax, you're not in trouble." He flashed a toothy grin. "Here's the deal: the new bartender isn't working out so we need a backup."

"O-kay, but I'm not a bartender."

"We were hoping that you'd take the course." Penny's heart jumped. "It's completely optional since you'd have to foot fifty percent of the bill." Her heart sank. "But it allows you to bartend anywhere in California. As for now the bartending position comes with a two dollar an hour raise plus tips so the nights we need you should cover your expense—"

"I'll do it," Penny gushed.

"Awesome. Let me know if we need to change your schedule to fit in your classes."

Penny was all smiles as she left to start her shift. Given her interest in trying new drinks she flirted with the idea of becoming a bartender but preferred to spend her hard earned money on acting classes. After all, she was here to be a star not a bartender.

She gathered her orders and was in the middle of entering them into the kiosk when an agitated Bernadette came to her.

"Penny, after you finish you've got a call at the bar. They said it's an emergency," the diminutive woman said worriedly.

Penny flew through her orders before dashing to the bar. _Dad have a farming accident? Greg blow himself up in a meth lab?_

Breathlessly she took the phone.

"Hello? …So? …I can't do it here!"

She sighed before taking a look around to see if the coast was clear.

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur; happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr."

With another sigh Penny hung up the phone and turned to see the bartender staring at her curiously.

"My brother's kid. He's really sick and, uh, wouldn't settle down," she explained before dashing back to work.

xTBBTx

Sheldon checked the time on his laptop. Penny would be home from work soon and he wanted a grilled cheese to go along with his soup. Granted his flu-like symptoms had abated; he no longer had a fever or nauseous feeling but he still felt a little lightheaded when he blew his nose and felt extremely cold from time to time.

He heard the door open and the sound of two women laughing. Immediately he frowned. The last thing he needed while his immune system was busy was an introduction of more foreign germs.

"I'm not sure where you're gonna stay." Penny's voice.

"Don't yuh worry. Ah've done my share of campin' out when I was younger. 'Specially durin' tornado season."

Sheldon's mouth dropped and he quickly closed and set aside his laptop and popped out of bed. He came into the living room rubbing his eye.

"Mommy?" he said, both surprised and confused.

"Hello baby," Mary cooed as she crossed over and gave him a hug. Sheldon stared at Penny over her shoulder.

'You called my mother?' he mouthed. Penny shrugged but to his mind didn't seem to be apologetic in the least.

"Penny tells me yuh got yuhrself under the weather," Mary went on. "How are yuh feelin'?"

"My head still feels funny," Sheldon replied in a pouty voice. It took Penny a lot of fortitude to keep from giggling at the change from arrogant physicist to mommy's sucky baby.

Mary put her hand on his forehead. "No fever. Have yuh eaten yet?" He shook his head. "Well then yuh get yurhself into bed an' after ah get settled ah'll make yuh a grilled cheese an' chicken soup."

"With little stars in it?" he sniffled.

"Always Shelly." The physicist again stared at Penny, this time with a 'See? With _stars _in it too!' look. "Let's get yuh tucked in."

Both mother and son disappeared around the corner.

Penny shook her head and with a big grin left the Coopers to their own devices.

XxX

With two bags of groceries in hand Penny opened Sheldon's door and entered the apartment.

"Hello darlin'," Mary smiled as she was in the middle of chopping vegetables. "Successful trip?"

"Got everything you asked for, although it took me a bit to find the dry split peas. Not exactly something in my cupboard," Penny replied as she set down the groceries and sprayed her feet.

"Ah see Shelly's still adherin' tuh his cleanliness regime," the East Texan chuckled.

"Was he always like this?" Penny asked as she brought the groceries to the kitchen and proceeded to put away what required refrigeration.

"As soon as he was able tuh actively assert himself." Mary chuckled. "Ah remember he took some stuff from the pantry tuh mix together an' I thought he was imitatin' me cookin'. Turns out he made a cleanin' agent from vinegar, bakin' soda an' lemon juice and went on tuh clean his bedroom an' toys."

"Wow. How old was he?"

"Three. He'd been watchin' one of those science-y shows on the television." Mary put the vegetables into a frying pan and set it on the stove to heat. "There'd be fights nearly everyday at four o'clock what with Shelly's Proton show on an' Missy tormentin' her brother by wantin' tuh watch anythin' but."

"Missy his younger sister?"

"His twin." The Nebraskan's jaw dropped.

"Two Shellys. That's just—wow."

Mary laughed. "Now don't be worryin'. Missy an' Shelly are like day an' night. She's right personable an' compared to Shelly dumb as soup."

"I have a feeling most of us are dumb as soup next to him."

"Sit yuhrself down," Mary said. "No point standin' when yuh can be sittin'." Penny pulled one of the lawn chairs over to sit closer to the kitchen while Mrs. Cooper stirred the rice in the pot of boiling water. "It's like ah always say: Shelly has muh eyes an' his daddy's temper. All the science-y stuff comes from Jesus. Now yuh'll be havin' dinner here tonight. Ah'm sorry it'll just be a mix of veggies an' chicken with rice but the only thing ah recognized in the fridge in the line of sauce was the bottle of Chinese ketchup," indicating the soy sauce with her eyes.

"Sounds terrific," Penny replied. All she had on tap at her place was a cup of ramen noodles.

"Ah have tuh say it's been thrillin' tuh meet yuh, Penny. Shelly's always had troubles makin' friends. Lord knows ah've cleaned him up after many an ass whuppin'."

"Poor guy."

Mary smirked. "Now don't be sympathizin' too much. About ninety percent of them came about 'cause he went around pointin' out how smart he was and how dumb they were."

"At least he's grown out of that phase." The two women laughed.

"Ah remember he built himself a so-called 'sonic death ray'. Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids though it did piss our dog off to no end."

"No death rays here," chuckled Penny. "Only ponchos and placemats."

"When did he get the fish?"

" I think he was experimenting with them about three months ago." Mary's eyes widened. "He wasn't torturing them or anything. He was just, I dunno, sciencing them."

"Lord knows we don't need another Snowball incident."

"Snowball?"

"Missy's guinea pig. Shelly got it in his head tuh build himself a cat scanner an' used the poor creature as his first patient. The machine accidently set it on fire and Shelly got himself sent tuh the hospital with radiation burns."

"Crap on a cracker," breathed Penny.

"It's why when things are hopeless we always say that we've got a Snowball's chance in a cat scanner," Mary laughed as she got a paper towel and cleaned off the counter. "So where are yuh from?"

"Nebraska."

"An' what brought yuh here?"

"I'm an actress."

"Ah. Have ah seen yuh in anythin'?"

"Um, not yet. Someday though."

Mary nodded her head knowingly. "Ah get where yuh're from. It's always nice tuh have a dream tuh follow."

"Yes Ma'am."

"Now yuh go wash up. Dinner's gonna be in five."

Penny moved the chair back to its position and went to the washroom. When she returned Mary was serving food onto plates.

"For yuh."

"Smells terrific," grinned the waitress as she took a fork from the drawer and sat down in the lawn chair.

Mary went to the refrigerator for a bottled water and handed it to Penny. "Wait 'til Shelly's better an' ah'll make us some chicken fried steak."

"I'm vegetarian," said Penny. "But I love steak." Mary cracked a smile but said nothing.

The sounds of footsteps came down the hall until Sheldon disappeared into the washroom.

"Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the State my heart got lost in," he said. With a grin Penny looked to the washroom door. "And shake twice for Texas."

_Wow_. The Nebraskan took a sip of water and began to eat.

The washroom door opened and the physicist made his way to the living room only to stop dead as he gawked at his neighbor.

"What are you doing?" he gasped.

"What?" replied Penny with her mouth full.

"Shelly, mind yurh manners," warned his mother.

"But she's eating off my plate and putting my fork into her mouth! For all I know she has hepatitis!" Sheldon squawked.

"Hey!" growled Penny.

"Shelly enough!" snapped Mary. The room was silent. "First of all Penny is a guest in yuhr home. And how do we treat guests?"

"Like family," Sheldon mumbled.

"And we do it with?"

"A smile."

Mary frowned at her son and he turned to Penny and gave a smile so strained if it had buttons they would have flown off and hit the far wall.

"You moved my chair," he Joker-grinned, his eyes boring into her head. For her part Penny pushed the chair back an inch or so with her feet and stared at him innocently. With hands curled into fists at his side Sheldon stepped past her and settled into his own chair, still smiling but his glare murderous.

"This is terrific," Penny said cheerily as she harpooned a piece of chicken.

"Thank yuh darlin'," smiled Mary as she brought Sheldon his plate and fork. She returned for her own plate and pulled out Sheldon's computer chair and moved it to join the others around the coffee table. She sat down and closed her eyes.

"Dear Lord," she said sincerely. Immediately Penny froze her mouth in mid chew. "Mary Cooper here in the land of the heathen come to spend time with Shelly and his friend."

"My neighbor," amended Sheldon.

"Whatever. Anyways, we'd like to thank yuh right proper for what we're about to receive. By Yurh hand we are all…."

"Fed," Sheldon said dejectedly.

"Give us, Lord, our daily…."

"Bread."

"Please know that we are truly…."

"Grateful."

"For every cup an' every…."

"Plateful."

"Amen," grinned Mary and began to eat.

Out of the corner of her eye Penny stared at Sheldon sympathetically as he sat still, head lowered (she knew it wasn't because he was praying), before raising a forkful of stir fry to his mouth.

"So," Mary said after a while. "Penny here tells me that yuh lost yuhr job." Immediately Sheldon stopped chewing and scowled at his neighbor.

"You _told_ her?" he said angrily.

"Shelly, ah am yuhr mother. Yuh should have told me yuhrself." Mary set her fork down on her plate. "What did yuh say this time?"

Sheldon was indignant. "Only the truth." Mary closed her eyes and shook her head. "Since you told me not to lie this is all your fault."

"Don't be sassin' 'cause ah have no problems puttin' yuh over muh knee." Both Coopers stared at each other defiantly.

"So, what's the plan?" Penny said overenthusiastically with a forced smile.

"Shelly here's goin' tuh the university an' apologizin' to whomever he insulted," Mary said fixedly.

"I'm doin' no such thing," Sheldon fired back with a bit of a twang. "I'm not returning to an institution that would hire a third-rate researcher with all of the classifications of a high school science teacher to be my department head."

"You didn't tell him that did you?" gasped Penny.

"Well it's not like he was hiding his résumé," shrugged the physicist.

"Wow."

"Now what did ah tell yuh? It's okay tuh be smarter than everyone else but it's not okay tuh rub peoples' noses in it," snapped Mary. "Now yuh're gonna go an' apologize tuh yurh boss."

"No."

"Ah'm sorry. Did ah say 'if it please yuhr highness?'" Again Sheldon stared at his plate, his mouth trembling in anger.

"As a bright side, if you get your job back you can keep your apartment," Penny added.

"Yuh're havin' money problems?" asked Mary. Her son gave a big sigh and turned to his neighbor.

"Is there anything else you think she should know?" he said crisply.

"Well he did get an offer by this guy Leonard to be his roommate," Penny said slowly. "Leonard's a scientist like him so I—"

"'A scientist like me'?" Sheldon caught his mother's scowl and clamped his mouth shut.

"Why that sounds nice," Mary said.

"Your logic is flawed. If I get my job back I won't need a roommate."

"Yeah but you're pretty much tapped out, Dr. C," Penny pointed out. "If you room with Leonard it'll give you a chance to get your savings back."

"Not tuh mention it'd be good for yuh tuh have some company," added Mary. Sheldon snorted.

"Yes, like I've already had a bounty of fortune having Penny in my life what with getting sick and almost beaten up and her calling you." Both women glared at him. "I know little about Dr. Hofstadter save that he's an experimental physicist who recognizes my genius, collects comic books and plays Halo."

"He sounds like a match made in heaven," Mary said.

"But what if his idiosyncrasies are too eccentric and extreme to be tolerated?"

Penny's eyes widened in disbelief while Mary smiled lovingly at her son.

"Ah'm sure he'll be fine, Shelly. But yuh've gotta remember that there'll be two of yuh so yuh won't be rulin' the roost." She ate the last of her stir fry. "'Sides, it'll give yuh an opportunity tuh learn how tuh compromise."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Please. Compromise is a stalling between two fools."

"But a fool has his rent money an' savin's in his account," countered Mary. "Now who's up for a quick apple crumble?" She rose from the chair and proceeded to the kitchen.

Sheldon leaned towards Penny.

"You'll excuse yourself and leave," he hissed.

"Penny?" asked Mary as she put on the oven mitts.

"I'd love some," she replied as she stared at Sheldon with a pumpkin grin on her face. "You gotta get used to people sometime, Dr. C," she whispered.

For his part Sheldon got up and brought his plate to the counter and took the first piece of apple crumble and disappeared down the hall to his room. Immediately Penny felt like shit.

"Maybe I should go," she said hesitantly.

"Nonesense." Mary took the two plates of crumble and brought them to the coffee table. "Muh husband, God rest his soul, always said yuh gots tuh take yuhr time with Shelly." She took Penny's empty plate and brought it to the kitchen. "You ever hunt?"

"With my dad."

"Think of Shelly as a baby deer. Yuh gots tuh approach him right or he'll spook."

Penny chuckled. "I guess I spooked him."

"It's alright," Mary said amusedly. "Yuh got him goin' in the right direction."

xTBBTx

Penny's feet thumped on the sidewalk as she neared the end of her jog. Normally she didn't run on Fridays but last night at her usual dance club had been a wash. The tunes were hopping and she did boogie a bit but since she cut herself off at three drinks she began to lose interest in the whole affair as her friends and friendly male-folk got steadily drunker. She excused herself and took a cab home.

As she stopped in front of her building the elevator doors opened and she saw Mary and Sheldon step out. Immediately Penny was intrigued since her neighbor wasn't wearing a cartoony t-shirt but rather a conservative burgundy knitted collared shirt to go with his grey khakis and brown dress shoes.

"Hey!" Penny said cheerily as she entered the lobby. "Woo hoo, lookin' good, Dr. C." Instead of throwing the expected scowl Sheldon merely closed his eyes as if this were another part of a nightmare that wouldn't end.

The Nebraskan didn't like this.

"Good mornin' Penny," said Mary with a pleasant smile. "Yuh're up early."

"Yeah. I needed to get a run in before work." Mary nodded. "So where are you two off to?"

"The university tuh see Shelly's boss."

"Dr. Gablehauser isn't my 'boss'. I don't work there," Sheldon amended.

"Now leave the quibblin' tuh the quibblers," his mother said dismissingly. Sheldon rolled his eyes but said nothing.

"Oh, okay. Well I hope things go well," Penny said.

"They will. Jesus wanted Shelly tuh be a scientist so that's that."

"I hope that won't be the argument you present to Dr. Gablehauser," tsked Sheldon.

"Ah'm not sayin' a word. This is yuhr mess tuh clean, Shelly. Ah'm just givin' yuh the opportunity tuh make things right." Sheldon opened his mouth to speak. "An' we had the talk on what's right an' what's right is yuh apologizin' an' askin' for yuhr job back not lordin' yuhrself over everyone's head."

"Break a leg, Dr. C," Penny said encouragingly.

"I should be so fortunate," he sighed as he held the door open for his mother to exit before following her out.

As Penny turned she heard Mary ask Sheldon why she called him 'Dr. C' but for the life of her couldn't hear his response. She entered the elevator and pressed for her floor. She pulled out her keys from around her neck and when the doors opened she stepped into the hall. Since Sheldon had been sick he hadn't been cleaning his outer door so the usual javex smell was only a fraction of its usual potency. Of course if things didn't go well and Sheldon moved out she wouldn't have to spend a fortune on vanilla candles.

She opened her apartment and entered but stopped short of closing her door as she took in the door of 4A. Sheldon had to be the weirdest person she'd ever met and yet when she thought about it she was glad they did meet.

Penny closed the door.

"Please get your job back," she sighed before heading off to the shower.

XxX

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

The Nebraskan jumped up from the couch and raced to the door.

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny."

"Hey Dr. C!" she chimed as she opened her door to see her neighbor before her with some papers in hand.

For his part Sheldon seemed at a loss. Penny could read in his eyes that some sort of dilemma was occurring.

"What?" she asked hesitantly.

His hand moved casually to the doorframe and she could hear three little knocks.

"Penny," he tried to whisper inconspicuously.

"Greeting over?" she asked. He gave a slight nod. "Good. So?! How'd it go?"

"First of all my mother wanted to know if you would…join us…for what she calls a 'celebratory supper' as—"

"You got it!" Penny squealed and wrapped her arms around Sheldon, pinning his own to his sides.

Inside 4A Mary looked up from the kitchen counter to see her son standing stroke stiff in Penny's embrace.

"Well, isn't this interestin'," the East Texan muttered to herself.

Out in the hall Sheldon gave a little sigh.

"While I appreciate your enthusiasm if you could refrain from mauling me—"

Immediately Penny broke the hug.

"Sorry, sorry," she said quickly although with a big ass grin on her face. "So what happened?"

"I'm not sure. Mother and I arrived at Dr. Gablehauser's office. I apologized for calling him an idiot; he gave me my job back and sent me to my office." He cocked his head. "In other news mother told me they're going out for dinner tomorrow evening."

"Seriously?" the waitress gasped.

"Of course I'm serious." He checked his watch. "As dinner won't be for another forty five minutes I'll expect you over in half an hour—plenty of time for you to fill out this questionnaire."

"Uh, thanks." Penny took the proffered papers. "What's it for?"

"It occurred to me while watching you eat that I know nothing about your medical history. Now even was I to take your word that you don't have hepatitis as a waitress your exposure to the public leaves you vulnerable to many communicable ailments."

"Seriously?" she said, this time crisply.

Sheldon pursed his lips. "Why do you find it necessary to confirm my statements? At any rate I'll leave you to it as you'll need to search your abode for your immunization records." He smiled awkwardly and departed.

_Immunization records?_ Penny began reading the first sheet as she closed her door.

xTBBTx

There was a knock at the door and Sheldon grabbed his clip board and got off his computer chair. He checked his watch. Leonard said that he'd be here at six pm and it was five fifty eight. Sheldon's nose wrinkled as he made a note on Leonard's application.

Out in the hall Leonard noted the shadow of Sheldon's feet under the door and wondered if he should knock again. He checked his watch—five fifty nine—and rolled his eyes. _Oh for the love of—_

"So where do you think Penny lives?" Howard asked.

"She said she was his neighbor so I'd guess across the hall," Raj replied with a shrug.

"Guess we'll find out soon enough with Agent Hofstadter infiltrating the Pasadena hoo-ha house," chuckled the engineer, garnering a glare from Leonard.

The door opened and Sheldon appeared.

"Come in," he said evenly. "But stay on the mat." Leonard did as he was told but Sheldon held out his clipboard to stop the others.

"What?" said Raj.

"This was an appointment for Dr. Hofstadter. Your presence here is neither required nor desired."

"They're going to be here sometime, Dr. Cooper," Leonard said gently. "At the very least they're moving me in so it's best they get a look at the layout." Sheldon thought this through.

"Alright. Stay on the mat," he warned again before stepping back to let the other enter.

"Do you want us to take off our shoes?" Leonard asked.

"Of course. This is my"—a twitch passed over Sheldon's face as he recalled his mother's words—"_a_ home. Don't forget to disinfect your feet," indicating the can of Lysol on the shelf which Leonard took and began to use. "Am I to infer from this that your friends will be frequenting the apartment?"

"Uh, yeah," the bespectacled man said as he handed Raj the spray before stepping off the mat. Sheldon shook his head once and made a note.

"Not a lot of furniture," said Howard as he took the spray from Raj.

Leonard nodded. "That's okay, I've got a chair and table I can bring over and—"

"I already have chairs and tables," Sheldon countered.

"Dude, they're lawn furnishings and cable spools," snorted Raj.

"Unless you're saying that you're only renting Leonard his room which means a reduction in his portion of the rent," Howard added. "I mean if he paid half he would be allowed to make additions to the common living areas and—"

"We can hammer that out later, Howard," Leonard said soothingly as he took in the tremor to Sheldon's jaw.

"No, Howard's correct. As a full-fledged roommate you are entitled to contribute to the décor of common areas," the East Texan said slowly. "We'll talk about that later when we go over the Roommate Agreement. Now," he tapped his clip board with his pen. "You had passed the three barriers to roommate-hood but from my notes I see there are some things to go over."

"You kept my application?" Leonard said incredulously.

"Of course. It's a document. You said that you needed time to think over taking the apartment."

"But that was over two years ago!"

"You're a stranger. How can I possibly know how long it takes you to think?" shrugged Sheldon. Howard and Raj stared at each other. "So, let me once again show you your room." The four of them went to the hall. "Your bowel movements are still regular?

"Like clockwork," Leonard said.

"Unless he's had dairy," added Howard.

"Shut it, Howard."

Sheldon lowered his clip board.

"Dr. Hofstadter, lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed of as over forty million Americans have the affliction," he said.

"Thank you," Leonard said appreciatively.

"Although you'll have to sign an addendum promising never to knowingly imbibe dairy products within the apartment nor thirty minutes prior to arriving at the apartment," the lanky man added as he stepped ahead to open the door to the spare room.

"'There is nothing wrong with your television'," Howard whispered to Raj. "'Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We control the transmission.'"

The astrophysicist giggled. Sheldon turned to the man with a scowl. The smile vanished from Raj's face and the group entered the room.

XxX

From their lawn chairs Leonard and Sheldon looked hopefully around the room but aside from themselves all they could see was an equally excited Howard and Raj.

As one the boys' mood deflated.

"So much for inventing time travel," sighed Leonard.

"Next is the 'Skynet clause' which obligates assisting a roommate should he require help to destroy an artificial intelligence he's created and that's taking over Earth," said Sheldon as he pointed where Leonard was to initial. "Then there's the 'Matrix clause' where if a roommate is made aware of the matrix and subsequently awoken it is his first priority to find the other roommate and similarly awaken him." Leonard signed them both.

"Boy, you seem to have an obsession with malevolent technology," chuckled Howard.

Sheldon sat back in his seat. "Of course not. As you can see I have a computer and game consoles. I also have a cellular phone, an IPod and my Tamagotchi from nineteen ninety eight is still alive and well. However I also believe that when the robots rise up ATMs will lead the charge." Howard turned to Raj who had a grin on his face. "Now Section seventy four 'C': the various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot. One—"

A frantic knock interrupted him and before he was asked Howard crossed over to the door and opened it. Immediately Penny came inside.

"You mind if I hang out here for a bit?" she asked even as she slipped off her flip-flops and sprayed her feet.

"As you seem to be settling in regardless of my decision I might as well bestow a hearty, 'hello neighbor. Why don't you come in?'" twanged Sheldon.

"Hey Penny, what's up?" asked Leonard as he turned to take in the Nebraskan's perturbed demeanor.

Penny rolled her eyes. "Definitely not my luck. This girl from Omaha I know, Christie, is in my apartment yapping about all the guys she's slept with and it's only been a few hours so I don't know how I'm going to put up with this for who knows how long before she finds a place of her own."

"Just to clarify: she's relating all of the men she's slept with in total, not all the men she's slept with in the past few hours," Howard said with an intensity Penny had never heard.

"She's practically slept with the city of Omaha."

"As fascinating as it is hearing the exploits of your companion Leonard and I have to get back to the Roommate Agreement," Sheldon said firmly.

"Yeah, just a sec," Leonard said distractedly. "So why did you say she could come over if you don't like her?" he asked the waitress.

"I dunno. She was engaged to my cousin while sleeping with my brother so she's kinda family I suppose," Penny shrugged. "Anyways, I'd really appreciate it if"—she turned to close the door and stopped. "Where's Howard?"

"Bon jour mademoiselle," came the engineer's voice from the hall. "I understand you're new in town."

Leonard lowered his head as he used his hand to cover his eyes while Raj began whistling quietly as he went to look out the living room window.

XxX

"Well anyways I suppose we should grab Howard and go," Leonard said sheepishly as he stood and stretched. The lawn chair was murder on his back and he vowed that the first thing he was going to move into the apartment was his chair.

"Yes please," said Penny as Raj and she finished reassembling the DNA model.

"I'll look over the document tomorrow and give you a notarized copy at work on Monday." Sheldon stood and moved to the computer desk. "Show yourselves out. Goodbye."

Leonard and Raj put on their shoes before opening the door. Emanating from across the hall were the muffled sounds of a heavy backbeat and the vocals of Nelly Furtado and Timbaland.

"Crap on a cracker," hissed Penny as she slipped on her flip-flops and marched across and into her apartment.

"'Night Dr. Cooper," Leonard said as he left, followed by Raj who closed the door. The two scientists crossed the hall only to encounter a wide-eyed Penny who gestured for them to stay out even as she exited the apartment.

"I can't believe this!" Penny growled.

"What?" asked Leonard.

"Your friend Howard is getting busy with Christie—on my bed!"

"To be fair I've only known Howard four years," the experimental physicist began. Both Penny and Raj gave him a 'get real' frown. "I suppose I can go get him," he said unenthusiastically.

"No," Penny sighed. "Christie's my guest and I can't just kick her out."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I'll figure something out. Anyways, I'll let you guys go."

"You can stay at my place," Leonard blurted out. Penny looked at him questioningly. "I mean Howard is my friend and it's sorta my fault since he came over with me so I feel obligated to make sure that you have a place to stay."

"That's so sweet," Penny smiled warmly. "But I want to be close to my apartment."

"Okay," Leonard said as the elevator doors opened. "Well goodnight."

"'Night guys."

Penny turned to her apartment and glared at her door.

"I do _not_ wanna go in there."

She returned to Sheldon's door and knocked.

"Oh. It's you," the physicist said as he opened the door.

"Yup. Good ol' me," Penny said amiably. "Listen, I need a favor."

"Now?" He checked his watch. "It's nine thirty six. I go to bed at ten."

"That's okay. Actually I was gonna ask if it was okay for me to sleep at your place."

"I'm sorry but the Roommate Agreement I signed with Leonard prohibits a non-relative female from staying over without twenty four hours notice."

"Yeah, but Leonard hasn't moved in yet."

Sheldon thought for a moment. "Point. But I don't have anywhere for you to stay."

"It's no big deal. I can sleep on the floor like your mom did," Penny suggested.

"But I just had my sleeping bag dry cleaned," he countered.

"Come on, Dr. C. I took care of you when you were sick."

"I wouldn't have been sick if you hadn't exposed me to influenza therefore your claim of reciprocity is negated."

"I'm not asking because you owe me. I'm asking as a friend."

Sheldon was stunned.

"Oh," he said. "Well that's different then."

"So I can stay?" she asked hopefully.

"I suppose so." Sheldon left to go to the living room closet. Penny closed the apartment door and sprayed her feet. "You can sleep in front of the closet so you won't be a trip hazard should an emergency evacuation occur."

"Whatever ya want, boss," Penny said as she took the sleeping bag from her neighbor and began to untie it.

"Aside from the front door there's a window there"—he pointed—"and there with a ledge should the door prove inaccessible." He crossed over to the hallway. "I'll leave out a hand towel for you to use."

"Thanks Dr. C. You're awesome." Penny slid into the sleeping bag and took off her jacket to use as a pillow. Sheldon turned to go but hesitated.

"If I may ask a question?"

"Shoot."

"When did we become friends?"

Penny grinned as she looked at her neighbor.

"I dunno. You helped me with the tv and I took care of your mail and we went putt-putting and it just happened, y'know?"

"Ah." Silence. "I'm not sure of the protocol here."

"I'm sorry?"

"How do we proceed as friends?"

"Just keep doing what we're doing." A sly look came to her face. "Let me guess: you haven't had a female friend before, huh?"

"I haven't had a friend before, female or otherwise," he said matter-of-factly. "Good night." He clicked off the light and went to his room.

Penny rolled onto her back, the weight of his words weighing heavily on her heart and mind.

xTBBTx

It was the sunlight from the window that got to Penny first. Then as her awareness of the outer world attuned itself she heard the sounds of someone eating to her left. She opened her eyes and noted Sheldon sitting in his lawn chair.

"What time is it?" she yawned.

"Almost seven thirty," he said distractedly. Penny snorted.

"Since when do you not know what time it is to the second?"

"Penny, please. My program's almost over."

"What ya watching?" she asked as she sat up.

"Doctor Who."

She wiggled with the sleeping bag until she could see the television screen.

"Is the guy in the sneakers the Doc?" she asked.

"The Doctor and yes."

"He's kinda cute. Who's the blonde girl?"

"His companion, Rose."

"Ah. So what kind of doctor is he?"

"A doctor of everything."

"No kidding. With all that time hitting the books it's a wonder he has a girlfriend," she shrugged.

"They're not a couple," Sheldon countered adamantly. "She's a girl, she's his friend, but she's not his 'girlfriend'."

"Too bad. They look like a cute couple," she replied as she stretched.

"The Doctor has evolved beyond having carnal relationships," he sniffed. The credits began and so he turned off the television. "His desire is to explore the universe."

"Is Rose his first friend?" she asked tentatively.

"The Doctor has had many companions in his travels," Sheldon called over his shoulder as he rose to go rinse his cereal bowl.

Penny got out of her sleeping bag and stood to stretch yet again.

"Mind if I get something to drink?" she asked as she ventured to the kitchen.

"Would you like milk, orange juice or water?"

"OJ please." Sheldon pursed his lips in disapproval as he went to the refrigerator.

"Where do you keep the glasses?"

"Second cupboard, left side. Use a juice glass."

Penny opened the cupboard door. The glasses inside all seemed to be the same size and make.

"And just how am I supposed to know which is a 'juice' glass?"

"It's labeled," he said as he put the container of orange juice on the counter before retreating to the washroom to clean his hands.

"Where's it labeled?" she asked as she took a glass.

"On the bottom," he called. She turned the glass over and saw a label marked 'water'.

"Oh." She set it back and took another glass. "'Milk'. Huh." Third time was the charm as she found the elusive 'Juice' glass. She poured out some orange juice before returning it to the refrigerator. As she drank she looked over the various things stuck to the refrigerator door. "Cute flag," she said as she noted the blue flag with a gold lion on it. "Where's it from?"

"It's the apartment flag."

"You don't say," she said to herself amusedly. She took in a large chart filled with an assortment of numbers under the column headings of 'size', 'color' and 'consistency'. "What's with the chart? Mixing protein shakes or something?"

"Hardly," Sheldon replied as he returned to the living room. "That's my daily fecal chart."

Penny physically recoiled from the refrigerator.

"You're kidding," she gasped.

"Why would I kid?"

"Ew."

"Maintaining a healthy colon takes both vigilance and work. You can't just poop willy-nilly and hope for the best," he tsked.

'Wow' Penny mouthed.

"So, we have nineteen minutes before I have to evacuate my bowels. Would you like to exchange information regarding our idiosyncrasies? Participate in a physical activity such as yoga, aerobics or pilates? Text each other? Share in a whimsical tale?"

Penny chuckled. "Where did you get that from?"

"After considering our paradigm shift I consulted Google in order to learn how to be friends with a female."

"Sweetie, you don't need the internet to tell you that," she grinned.

Sheldon was perplexed. "But I don't know the protocol for maintaining a friendship. From what I gathered there are a myriad of expectations and procedures to follow."

"Ya just wing it," the waitress said as she rinsed out her glass and left it in the sink.

"That hardly seems logical."

"Friendships aren't about logic. You're friends because you like that person."

"But I don't know if I like you," he said seriously. Penny's face fell. "But you seem sure we're friends and since you have more experience with friendships I'll defer to your judgment."

"Good. Anyhoo, I better get home and kick out Goldilocks and company," Penny said as she crossed over to the door and slid into her flip-flops. "Thanks so much for letting me stay, Dr. C."

"Sheldon." She turned to him with a look of surprise as he approached the door. "Apparently friends typically refer to each other by their given names."

Penny absolutely beamed. "Thanks, Sheldon."

"You're welcome, Penny," he replied before letting her out of the apartment.

xTBBTx

'Compromise is a stalling between two fools': Stephen Fry

'There is nothing wrong with your television. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We control the transmission.': Intro to the Outer Limits


	9. Cacophonic Review

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Jerusalem Duality'; 'The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis'

Reference to: 'The Staircase Implementation'; 'The Loobenfeld Decay'; 'The Werewolf Transformation'

xTBBTx

The apartment door opened and Leonard entered carrying a box of his things. He set it down next to the other ones and closed the door before taking off his shoes and spraying his feet.

"Last one," he said amiably to the empty room and took up a box to carry into his new bedroom. As he moved past Sheldon's bedroom door he noted the comic books framed on his wall.

"Cool," he said.

After dumping off his stuff he went back to the living room, only to stop by the bathroom door where he heard Sheldon clear his throat.

"Love your framed comics," Leonard called through the door. There was no response and he shrugged and carried on. He put two more boxes away before the toilet flushed and, after a long pause, Sheldon emerged.

"Hey," smiled Leonard.

"You talked to me through the bathroom door," Sheldon said formally.

"Something tells me that was a no-no."

"Never talk to me through the bathroom door."

"Understood." Leonard grabbed another box while Sheldon went to his room and closed the door before returning to the living room and his computer desk.

"So anyways, this takes care of my fragile models and whatnot," Leonard said after moving the last box. "Raj and Howard will be at my apartment at eight am so we should be at your place ten-ish." Sheldon snorted.

"'Ten-ish'. Hardly sounds organized." Leonard rolled his eyes. "Nevertheless I shall have the drop cloths laid out." Sheldon turned to his new roommate. "I need you to sign the common area furnishings agreement." The bespectacled man came over and took the document.

"I have the right to allocate fifty percent of the cubic footage of the common areas only if you're notified in advance by email." Leonard shrugged. "Sounds fair." He saw that the last floor plan for the living room was approved and that he could bring in his book shelves, coffee table, computer desk and chair and, after much negotiation which cost him the right to adjust the thermostat, his stuffed chair.

"Maybe we can get some stools for the counter," he suggested.

"Why?"

"It'd give us a place to have breakfast."

"But I already have a spot for breakfast."

"Well I think it'd be nice."

Sheldon shrugged. "What you want to do with your fifty percent is your concern."

"I'll email the request tonight," Leonard said with a little smile.

"I'd like to remind you that in the Roommate Agreement Section 'A' under 'Moving' the mover is to ensure that the apartment returns to its previously clean state. Saturday mornings after Doctor Who is usually reserved for cleaning. As you're moving in tomorrow the schedule will be revised on a one time only basis and cleaning shall commence on Sunday morning."

"But I'll still be unpacking," Leonard protested.

"Dr. Hofstadter, I'm postponing train day," Sheldon said evenly. "You can't expect me to completely alter my schedule for your convenience."

"Of course not—and I already told you, Leonard's fine."

"Very well, Leonard."

"So is it okay if I call you Sheldon?" the shorter man said hesitantly.

"I work under the premise that only family and friends should call me by my given name."

"Well roommates are kinda in between because we live communally, socialize frequently and we'll know each other's bathroom schedule intimately," prodded Leonard gently.

There was a knock at the door.

Sheldon cocked his head. "I hadn't thought of it that way," he said to his roommate before opening the door. "Good evening, Penny."

"You won't believe it!" she gushed.

"There's a lot I don't believe in: religion, astrology, loop quantum gravity—"

"This girl who was playing Mimi in the Rent musical I tried out for dropped out so they've picked me to replace her!" squealed the waitress.

Sheldon thought back to Penny's caterwauling in her apartment.

"You're right," he said. "I don't believe you."

"Well it's true," she pouted.

"Congratulations," Leonard said amiably.

"Thank you, Leonard," she smiled. "It's only a one night review but there'll be more than a few casting agents there so I'm so excited to show off my talent and hard work."

"What talent are you talking about?" Sheldon asked.

"You know: singing, dancing, acting."

"I see," he said neutrally.

"So anyways, I know it's short notice but the review's tonight. Wanna come?"

"No thank you."

Penny's smile vanished. "Why not?"

"Tonight is vintage game night," Sheldon explained.

"But this is important," she whined. The East Texan sighed.

"Are you invoking a level one friendship request?"

Penny thought for a moment. "Is that the friendship thingie you slid under my door?"

"Friendship Agreement—and you've yet to sign and return it to me so your request is—"

"Be right back!" Penny raced to her door, unlocked it and darted inside. A moment later she returned with a stapled packet of papers. She placed the document against the door and signed and dated the last page. "Here ya go," she said smugly and handed Sheldon the papers. "Anyhoo, I'm invoking whatever it takes to get you to come out."

"When and where is it?" Sheldon asked.

"Eight o'clock at the Elgin Theater. I'm sorry I can't drive you since I've gotta be there early."

"I can drive him," Leonard interjected. "Actually I can come too if you like."

Sheldon blanched. "Oh, I'm not sure about that."

"Come on Sheldon," chuckled Penny. "I'm sure his car's fine. Besides, the more the merrier!"

"I refute that statement. 'More' does not necessitate 'merrier'. It only means more," he amended.

In response the waitress stuck out her tongue before going to the elevator and pushing the button.

"I'll see you _both_ later," she said with a smile as the doors opened and she stepped inside.

Sheldon closed his door.

"Why don't you want me to go?" Leonard huffed.

"I didn't say I didn't want you to come," Sheldon said slowly. "I'm just not sure if that's a wise decision given that you're not apprised of the facts."

"And they are?"

"I've experienced Penny's singing firsthand and I can tell you if cats could sing they still wouldn't like it. As you stated earlier, as my roommate you are between family and friend and I wouldn't subject either to Penny's musical."

"It can't be that bad," Leonard smirked.

"Leonard, if Penny's been selected as a suitable replacement for the review I can only extrapolate that the rest of the show will leave a lot to be desired."

"Well as her friend we have to support her."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "How are you her friend?"

"I'm her friend vis-à-vis you," Leonard said with a satisfied smile.

"That would imply that I'm friends with Raj and Howard because they're your friends," Sheldon said slowly as he thought this through.

"That's right."

"Huh. I hadn't realized procuring a roommate meant such social complexities. My last roommate wanted nothing to do with me."

Leonard thought back two years to the crazed man in the landing and the 'Die Sheldon Die' painted on the spare room wall.

"Maybe I'm a complex guy," he said jokingly.

"I suppose," Sheldon mused. "Although your area of research would indicate otherwise."

Leonard pursed his lips and marched to his bedroom while Sheldon returned to his computer.

XxX

When the lights came up in the theater there were three people left in the audience. Sheldon and Leonard sat stunned, too drained by what they'd witnessed, no _endured_, over the past two and a half hours.

"I'll never watch another musical again," murmured Leonard.

"Don't blame the genre while we have obvious candidates like the producer and director of this fiasco," Sheldon replied, equally as quiet.

From the side curtain emerged a familiar blonde figure and so the two men got out of their seats and made their way to the aisle.

"Kinda lost the crowd," Penny said with a sheepish grin. "So what did you think?"

Sheldon shook his head. "Absolutely—"

"Breathtaking," Leonard interjected. "I've never seen anything like it." Sheldon looked at his roommate with an air of confusion.

"Really?" Penny said with a little smile. "I know things got a little weird when Scott tripped Janice during one of the dance routines."

"A 'little weird'?" Sheldon scoffed.

"It wasn't as bad as you think," Leonard continued. "Really, the rest of the performance was so astounding I know I completely overlooked the mishap."

Penny nodded. "Well as long as you enjoyed yourselves. So how was I?" Sheldon made to speak. "I know I was a little nervous 'cause I'd been called in at the last minute and so hadn't practiced as much but I think it went pretty well."

"'Pretty well'?" gawked Sheldon.

"Actually you blended well into the production as a whole," Leonard said neutrally albeit with a nervous smile.

"Great," Penny grinned. "Anyhoo, there's a cast party so I'm off but thanks so much for coming. It really meant a lot to me."

"Anytime," said Leonard and the Nebraskan departed.

"'Anytime'?" Sheldon asked. "I thought you said you'd never watch a musical again?"

"Next time I'll be working at the lab," Leonard replied as they climbed the stairs to the exit.

"How do you know if you'll be at the lab? Penny hasn't informed us of any future dates."

Leonard looked sideways at his roommate. There was no doubt in his mind that Sheldon fell somewhere on the Autism spectrum.

"Because whenever Penny says she has a performance I'm going to say I've got to work at the lab. That doesn't mean I have to _go_ to the lab."

Sheldon pondered this.

"So you'd lie," he clarified.

"Exactly."

The men walked through the lobby and out the front door.

"Query: why wouldn't you be forthcoming and say you didn't wish to endure another performance?" asked Sheldon.

"Because that would hurt Penny's feelings."

"Ah." They walked in silence. "But Penny won't know that her performance was substandard. How will she improve if no one tells her?"

"Sheldon, Penny is our friend and acting is her dream. We can't just be all nasty and say that she was terrible—"

"We're not being nasty. We're only being truthful."

"Well, sometimes the truth hurts and as we know from the X-Files some people can't handle the truth," Leonard explained. Sheldon nodded.

"Hence the reason why your answers to Penny's queries were cryptic."

"Exactly."

"I see." Sheldon waited for Leonard to pop the locks before entering the car. They put on their seatbelts and as Leonard inserted the key into the ignition Sheldon turned to face him.

"Leonard, my mother said not to lie."

"Well, technically we didn't lie. We just kinda obfuscated the truth." Leonard started the car and drove out of the parking lot. "Believe me, it's better this way."

Sheldon looked out the side window as he puzzled out the night's interactions.

xTBBTx

Penny was in the middle of enjoying her morning coffee when loud voices streamed into her apartment from across the hall.

"Sheldon, the bookcase is friggin' heavy. We're not going to line it up with a ruler!" Leonard's voice.

"According to the common areas furnishing agreement the book cases are to be exactly three point four feet away from the door. Clearly you're three feet two inches away," replied the lanky man.

"What if we move in all the furniture first and then line them up with the floor plan?" came a melodious voice which Penny attributed to Raj.

"Guess he really is from India and not Indiana," she chuckled.

She missed Sheldon's answer to Raj's idea but she sure heard the knock at her door. Penny crossed over and opened it to see an exasperated Leonard standing before her.

"We have a problem," he growled. Penny raised an eyebrow and he tossed his head in the direction of 4A. The pair crossed over and observed Sheldon with a clip board and tape measure in hand directing Howard and Raj as they moved a book case against the wall. They stood back huffing and puffing as the theoretical physicist bent down and measured the distance from the door to the shelf.

"Better," he said. "Although you're still off by an inch." Raj groaned.

"How about we use the remaining space to stuff Sheldon's body?" hissed Howard with a grim smile. Sheldon tutted as he shook his head.

"While imprecise measurements might give you a pass at MIT I expect your engineering skills in this instance to be more proficient."

"Sheldon, be nice," Penny warned.

"I'm neither naughty nor nice. I'm merely stating an observation," he countered.

"Which he's been doing from the moment we got here," snapped Leonard.

She turned to Sheldon. "Come on, let's go for a walk."

"But it's not Sunday or Anything Can Happen Thursday," he said.

Penny came across and took the clip board from his hand.

"Yeah, but it's kind of a special day because of the move-in."

"What are we supposed to call this, Leonard's Day?" snorted Sheldon.

"That'd be nice," Leonard smirked, garnering him a scowl.

Penny grabbed Sheldon by the wrist and dragged him from the apartment, handing Leonard the clipboard in the process.

"Good luck guys," she called. Sheldon tossed the tape measure to Howard.

"I'll examine your work when I get back," the physicist called over his shoulder.

Penny left Sheldon in her living room while she went to get a hoodie.

"I see you've let things deteriorate again," he said as he glanced around the room. "You should at least pile your laundry together even if you won't put it in a proper hamper."

"Yeah but then I won't be able to tell what's sorta clean," she replied as she came out of her bedroom zipping up her jacket.

"'Sorta clean'?"

"Y'know, what passes the sniff test."

Sheldon's eyes widened. "You mean that you don't change into clean clothes daily?"

Penny grabbed her keys and shoved her neighbor out of the apartment.

"Well it's not like they're _dirty_ dirty."

"Penny, Penny, Penny," he tsked as she locked her door.

"Sheldon, Sheldon, Sheldon," she replied sarcastically.

"You might mock me now but mark my words when—and believe me it's most definitely a when—you get sick or endure a bed bug or lice infestation you'll remember my warning."

"That's what I love about you: your bubbling optimism," she winked as she opened the elevator doors so they could enter.

"I always considered myself a realist," he shrugged.

"Sarcasm, Sheldon."

"Oh."

The doors closed.

"Missy once got head lice and for two weeks mother checked my hair twice daily. I could barely sleep as the thought of them crawling along my scalp gave me nightmares," Sheldon commented.

"I remember this guy from grade school got it but he just shaved his head."

"A draconian measure but effective." They got out of the elevator and exited the building.

"Huh. Never thought you were vain," Penny said.

"Why, because I refused to cut my hair? Why should I? It wasn't I who brought the vermin into the house," he said indignantly. "Besides, by your logic if I contracted a contagious rash on my arm I should have it amputated."

Penny laughed. "Earth to Sheldon: hair isn't the same as an arm. I mean from the length of your hair you obviously get it cut."

"By a barber—and not just any barber. Good Lord I wouldn't let any one have at me with scissors without having first studied my haircut records," he tsked.

"Hair cut records?"

"My mom sent them from my old barber in Galveston to Mr. D'Onofrio here in Pasadena. It most definitely put my mind at ease."

Penny turned her head to look across the street as a grin covered her face.

"Well that was nice of her," she said neutrally.

"Indeed."

"So, how are you doing with the move? You okay with everyone being in your apartment?"

"I'm not thrilled if that's what you're asking. However Howard, Raj and Leonard all swore they took showers before arriving and Leonard did agree to help me clean the apartment tomorrow."

"Hope he likes the smell of javex," chuckled the waitress.

"Actually, outside of the washroom I clean the rest of the apartment with lemon Lysol antibacterial wash."

"I just cover things up with vanilla candles."

"I must say, you Nebraskans are a hearty stock. Weaker constitutions would perish in your apartment," Sheldon noted.

"Yeah, yeah, funny guy," she chided lightly. "Thanks again for coming out last night."

"As your friend I was obligated." He caught her eyes narrow at him. "You're welcome."

"I'm really amazed at how we came together as a cast given that a couple of us were spur of the moment changes and whatnot. Could you tell which of us were stand-ins?"

"Most definitely not," Sheldon replied adamantly.

"That's cool. So what about me? How was I?"

Sheldon remembered his conversation with Leonard.

"Adequate given the overall level of the show in question," he said with a twitchy mouth.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means"—a facial tic briefly closed his right eye—"It means that in the scheme of things you brought more to the"—another twitch—

"What's with you?" Penny asked, her smile fading as she took in his strange facial expressions.

"Nothing," he said excitedly, his cheeks turning red as his tics increased in intensity.

Penny grabbed his arm to stop and turned him to face her.

"Sheldon, if you've got something to say to me just say it," she said firmly. He remained silent. "It sucked didn't it?"

"Well it wasn't good," he admitted.

"How bad was it?" Penny asked quietly.

"The dancing was an undifferentiated morass," he said evenly. "The set was hideous and yet it was somehow appropriate given that the whole production seemed to function on utter indifference. As for the singing, the cast had no business singing in the shower much less on a stage."

"What about me?"

"You come across as very natural and aesthetically pleasing which is why it's rather jolting when you sing. Your cadence is all over the place, you're utterly tone-deaf and when you soloed your voice was an invasive presence more than a—"

"Okay I get it!"

They walked in silence until Sheldon heard her sniffling.

"Are you crying?" he asked awkwardly.

"Maybe." Penny said with a stuffy nose.

"Why? How can you improve if you don't know where you went wrong?"

"Last night you and Leonard said I was good." She wiped below her eye with the side of her hand.

"Leonard implied you were good," he amended.

"Well you didn't correct him and you correct everybody," Penny snapped.

Silence.

"Why didn't you tell me this last night?"

"I'm your friend and apparently friends don't 'bring down friends'," Sheldon replied.

Penny grunted. "You didn't get that crap off the internet did you?"

"No. Leonard told me. He said to be vague if I couldn't be 'nice' otherwise I'd hurt your feelings." The Nebraskan stopped and gave a big sigh.

"Sheldon, being nice about it doesn't mean bullshitting me."

"Language Penny," he frowned. "And I wasn't lying to you per se."

She poked him in the chest with a finger, making him wince.

"Don't do this again," she said firmly.

"Define 'this'."

"Don't feed me what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you honestly think." She paused. "Only try not to be so damn brutal about it."

Sheldon nodded. "Alright." Pause. "Although my intention was to be forthcoming not invective."

"I know." Silence before Penny snorted in amusement. "You know I was actually thinking of trying out for another musical? Man, I would have looked like an idiot."

"There's nothing wrong with your appearance," he countered.

"Why thank you Sheldon."

"However, if you attempt another musical people will question your sanity," he said drolly.

Penny chuckled and they walked on.

XxX

Sheldon stepped into the apartment with laundry basket in hand to find Leonard unpacking his books and putting them on the shelf. The lanky man paused as his roommate seemingly placed books here and there. He shook his head and tsked.

Leonard stopped what he was doing. "What?"

"There's no organization."

"Of course there is: physics on these two shelves, science fiction here, fantasy here, historical here and each section is alphabetical," Leonard countered.

"So if there was an emergency and you needed to know how naïve expectations will fail in a quantum world you'd rush over to the physics section to scan its shelves in desperation as you tried to recall the author of the text. Ah yes, highly practical," Sheldon sniffed.

"So how's yours done?" scowled the shorter man.

"Dewey decimal system of course. For instance, it's only logical to position geometry next to math followed by analytic geometry, metric differential geometry, Finsler geometry—" Leonard snorted.

"So every time you need something you waste time looking it up or did you actually assign call numbers to your books?"

"I don't need to do either; I have an eidetic memory."

"Huh. They say there's no such thing as a true eidetic memory."

Sheldon pursed his lips. "Obviously 'they' are wrong."

Leonard leaned against his shelf with a smirk.

"Okay, tell me about the first time we met."

Sheldon took a moment to think.

"Well the first time we interacted was on the phone on October twelfth two thousand and four. Me: Dr. Sheldon Cooper speaking. You: Uh, hi. My name's Leonard Hofstadter and I'm calling about the room for rent? Me: You are aware of the minimal criteria? You: You mean the whistling part? Me: Are you asking me or telling me? You: Telling you. I promise I won't do any whistling in the apartment. Me: Very well. Are you employed? You: I'm a scientist at Caltech. Me: Do you have a criminal record?"

"That's incredible," Leonard interjected.

"No, what's incredible is that all of humanity can fit in a sugar cube," said Sheldon before heading to his room.

Leonard looked at his books before continuing his task.

XxX

Leonard woke up and reached across for his glasses before groggily getting himself out of bed. He knew when he drank the rest of the ginger ale before bed that it was a mistake but he needed something to settle his stomach what with the move and dealing with Sheldon.

He opened the door and padded his way to the washroom only to stop in front of the door as a flash of light in the living room caught his eye. Stepping ever so quietly down the hall he observed a housecoated Sheldon wearing some kind of light on his forehead reorganizing Leonard's book shelves.

With a shake of the head the experimental physicist went to use the washroom.

xTBBTx

Sheldon sat on the corner of his desk as he pondered his whiteboard.

"The symmetry is still too restrictive," he muttered. "Maybe a lattice cut-off?" He jotted down a new set of variables on the board.

_Knock Knock_ "Dr. Cooper?" Leonard's voice.

"Go away," Sheldon said distractedly.

"You know Dr. Gablehauser said you had to make yourself available for a few minutes."

"Well he didn't say they had to be _these_ minutes."

"Come on. Dennis is already here and it'd be stupid having to come all the way back."

Sheldon sighed and capped his marker. His concentration was broken and if he didn't want to be disturbed further he might as well nip this in the butt.

"Enter," he said.

The door opened and in came Leonard followed by a short, somewhat pudgy Korean teenager.

"Dennis, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper," said Leonard. "He's a senior particle theorist."

"It says that on his door," Dennis sniffed. He cocked his head as he regarded Sheldon. "So you're the one responsible for the dead end in string theory research going on around here?"

Sheldon blinked. "_Excuse _me, my research isn't a dead end." His eyes flashed angrily to Leonard. "Get him out of here."

"Come on, Dennis," Leonard said hurriedly. "Maybe we'll go to the experimental—"

Dennis stepped further into the room. "Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections," he said as he glanced at the whiteboard before snorting in amusement. "You see where you went wrong, don't you?"

Sheldon glared at the young man. "I'm replacing space-time with a lattice cut-off. Since 'a' represents the smallest length in the theory the momenta are restricted to be less than TT/a so that the ultraviolet divergences associated with large momenta in the loop integrals are avoided. In this continuum limit a-0 these divergences will again emerge."

"Yes, but it's obvious that this method is not Lorentz invariant." Dennis caught Sheldon's stunned expression. "You _have_ considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach, right?"

"You think I haven't considered it?" sputtered the East Texan.

Dennis raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't look like it. Or do you always cover your whiteboard with inaccurate equations?"

Sheldon turned to his board, breathing heavily through his nose to control himself even as his eyes scanned his equations.

"It might not be Lorentz invariant," he growled. "But it does offer the possibility to investigate theories at larger values of the coupling constant because…." Sheldon frowned as he realized he'd still have to verify that Lorentz invariance will reemerge in the continuum limit.

The physicist set the marker on the ledge before again sitting on his desk corner. It wasn't that he couldn't get the answer. It was quite obvious, actually.

He'd just lost his Nobel Prize.

Dennis gave a smarmy smile before strolling out of the office.

XxX

Leonard glanced at Sheldon through the rear view mirror as they drove home. The lanky man hadn't said a word since they'd met after work and Leonard wasn't sure if he was unsettled or relieved.

"So anyways Dr. Gablehauser says the tour worked out since Dennis Kim's seriously looking at staying at Caltech," he began. Silence. "He's interested in what Dave Underhill's doing since the dark matter discovery." More silence. "Anyways, I thought that maybe—"

"Leonard?" Sheldon said as he looked out the side window.

"Yes?" Sheldon turned to him.

"I believe I've finished with physics," he said evenly. "The future lies in the Mexican desert."

"What's out there?"

"My Nobel Peace Prize." Sheldon glanced at the side mirror. "I'm going to build a second Jerusalem."

Leonard just smiled and nodded while very quietly pressing down on the accelerator.

XxX

Penny knocked softly before opening the door into a darkened apartment 4A. She spotted Sheldon sitting in his lawn chair staring at glowing green and blue goldfish in the bowl on the coffee table.

"Sheldon?" she said gently and closed the door. Silence save the sound of her spraying her feet.

She trotted over to Leonard's chair and sat.

"Hey sweetie. Leonard came over and told me what happened."

"What did he say?" Sheldon said without looking up.

"Well I didn't completely understand what that Dennis kid said but I got the gist. He handed you your ass."

"Language Penny," he said half-heartedly.

Silence.

"What do you want me to do?" Penny asked.

"You grew up on a farm. What else do you do with a cow when she goes dry?"

She frowned. "I'm not going to shoot you if that's what you're saying. Come on, you can't give up."

"Can't I?" Sheldon said bitterly. "In one fell swoop what I've been working on for years has been invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind."

"Sheldon—"

His eyes met hers.

"Please leave me alone," he said quietly.

Penny got out of the chair and moved past him only to stop and give him a hug from behind.

"You're mauling me again."

"Can't help it. It's under booboos and ouchies in the Friendship thingie."

"Ah. Section Four. So you're engaging in physical contact for the purpose of rendering emotional aid to make me 'feel better'." Penny felt his shoulders slump. "Only I don't feel better."

"I know honey," she cooed. "I just want you to know you're not alone."

He nodded and she gave him a last squeeze before letting go and leaving the room.

xTBBTx

"I still can't get over how attractive Famke Janssen is as a redhead," gushed Raj as both Howard and he sat at the lunch table with Leonard.

"But she'd be even prettier with her legs around my waist," added Howard.

"Better hope she doesn't reenact her role in GoldenEye."

"Crushed to death by the legs of your lover," mused the engineer. "There are worse ways to go."

"Can we just drop the bedroom stuff?" snapped Leonard as his fork toyed with the mashed potatoes on his plate.

"What's with you, dude?" asked Raj.

"Nothing."

Just then Leslie Winkle and Dave Underhill entered the cafeteria, chatting oblivious to others around them as they rounded the corner towards the serving area.

"And so it becomes clear," Howard said with an amused chuckle. He nudged Leonard with his elbow. "So how does it feel having the man who invalidated your work now violating your ex-girlfriend?"

"He's not sleeping with Leslie," snapped the experimental physicist. "And he didn't invalidate my work."

Raj snorted. "Are you kidding? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter thus making your work completely useless."

"Not _all_ of it," Leonard sighed.

"And he's banging your ex," added Howard.

"Yeah, thanks Howard." Leonard raised a forkful of potatoes to his mouth before setting it down in a huff. "They could just be friends, y'know. I mean they signed up for the Physics Bowl. That's something friends do."

"Fair enough," said Howard. "But when's the last time Leslie's had a male friend that she hasn't slept with?" Leonard scowled into his plate. "Look at the bright side, you've been dumped for a higher class of physicist."

"He's not higher," countered Leonard with a flush. "I mean, sure, he's won the MacArthur genius grant and rides a Harley Davidson and is in a rock band but that doesn't mean he's better."

"No, he's perfect," sighed Raj with a smile before turning to his salad after catching the wide-eyed expressions of his tablemates.

Howard munched on a forkful of corn. "I thought you'd moved past Leslie to your delusional relationship with Penny?"

"I have—and my relationship isn't delusional," Leonard said crisply.

"So you've asked Penny out?"

"I'm biding my time."

"Alright," chuckled Howard. "If I accept this madness as truth—which I don't—then why the drama over Leslie?"

A grin came to Raj's face. "Ah, I see. Leonard's pride has been hurt. She dumped him for a more suitable mate and he's angry."

Leonard set down his fork with a clatter. "Darn right I'm angry."

"And what you need is vengeance," concluded the astrophysicist. Howard chuckled.

"What's he gonna do? Dave Underhill's tall, muscled and from what I hear is into some kind of martial arts."

"No, no," dismissed Raj. "Not physically. Up here." He tapped his head. "And he's got a perfect forum to do it, too: the Physics Bowl."

"Yeah but Fishman, Chen, Chowdry and McNair always clean house," said Leonard.

"Not this year," grinned Howard. "They formed a barbershop quartet and got a gig playing at Knott's Berry Farm."

"Really?" Leonard perked up. "So then we've got a chance. I mean only Leslie's played before and who knows who they've scraped together to form a team—"

"On it," said Howard as he typed into his phone.

"We shall be like Shiva and destroy them," Raj said excitedly.

"According to the website Leslie's other teammates are this Barry Kripke guy and—" Howard paled. "Oh."

"'Oh'?" Said Leonard.

"Looks like Dave brought a friend. Dennis Kim."

"So much for that idea," sighed Raj. "Maybe you can have a cello contest or something."

"No," Leonard said firmly. "I'm a physicist and despite Dave having disproved my theories and my mother disapproving of my entire career I'm a damn good one. We are going to kick their asses."

"But Dennis is a child prodigy," Howard reminded him.

A smile came to Leonard's face. "Then we need to get one of our own." He indicated Sheldon with a thrust of his chin. All three men looked at each other before getting up with their trays and sauntering over to Sheldon's table.

"Mind if we sit?" Leonard asked.

"You may," Sheldon said listlessly.

Leonard noted that the food on his roommate's plate looked as uneaten as his own. Things had been quiet in the car on the drive to work. He'd hoped that Penny's talk with Sheldon would help the East Texan but obviously it hadn't done the trick.

"So. I was wondering if you've got any plans on the nineteenth?" asked Leonard.

"Let's see. The nineteenth is a Friday and Friday is vintage videogame night," replied Sheldon.

"What if we can offer you another game?"

"Is it vintage?"

"No."

"Is it a videogame?"

"No."

"Then it hardly fills the criteria for vintage videogame night," Sheldon sniffed.

Leonard sighed. "Look, we need a fourth person for our Physics Bowl team and—"

The East Texan snorted. "You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition?"

"It's for fun," Raj said. "Besides, Dennis Kim's playing." At this Sheldon pursed his lips.

"Then I suppose the game's in the bag," he said crisply.

"Not necessarily," said Leonard. "I mean we've played for three years running and we're pretty good."

"Dennis Kim will clobber 'pretty good'."

"That's where you come in," Howard said encouragingly.

"Hardly," sighed Sheldon. "I'm a washed up theoretical physicist."

"You're not washed up," countered Leonard adamantly. "Your idea for the supersolid was amazing. Our findings are being published."

Sheldon frowned. "While fifteen year old Dennis Kim steps into my office and corrects my work."

"Don't take it so hard," Howard said. "Dave Underhill completely invalidated Leonard's career and yet you don't hear him complaining. Much."

"He didn't invalidate—never mind," said Leonard with a quick shake of the head. "Look Sheldon, you're not a washout. I mean you were a wunderkind too. And you can't tell me that your intellect hasn't done anything but grow in the years since. So you got stuck on something. That doesn't mean you wouldn't have solved it."

"But it was so obvious to him," said Sheldon. "Why wasn't it obvious to me?"

Leonard's mind raced as he thought.

"Sheldon, why couldn't the Doctor assemble pieces of the Key to Time?" he asked.

"Because it was too simple."

"I bet your projects are so massive in scope it's no wonder something slipped by."

"And as we know a simple x-wing fighter can take out a Deathstar," said Sheldon.

"But if we're the underdog that means we're the in the x-wing," offered Raj.

"I've always aligned myself with Darth Vader."

"And like Luke we're going redeem you," Leonard said firmly. "Luke had the Force. We have a Physics Bowl."

"'Do or do not'," Howard croaked in a Yoda voice.

Sheldon set down his fork and straightened in his chair.

"Gentlemen," he said with a determined look. "We 'do'."

xTBBTx

Wikipedia: Dewey Decimal System

All of humanity can fit in a sugar cube: 10 Most Mind-Bending Physics Facts

Sheldon's lattice research: staffscienceuunl: quantum corrections


	10. The Lawn Chair Transmogrification

Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem'; 'The Fuzzy Boots Corollary'; 'The Bad Fish Paradigm'; 'The Bat-Jar Conjecture'; 'The Jerusalem Duality'

xTBBTx

The elevator doors opened and Sheldon exited carrying his kite. He pulled out his keys and unlocked the apartment door before taking a step in and stopping dead.

"What's _that_ doing here?!" he squawked as he stared at a burgundy leather sofa that was positioned where his lawn chair had been. His eyes flashed accusingly at his roommate who sat in the stuffed chair watching television. "Leonard, it's in my spot! And surely it violates the space allotment agreement as it constitutes more than—"

"Actually it's both of ours," the shorter man corrected.

"How is it mine?"

"Well, it was Penny's idea to get the couch so she paid—"

In a flash Sheldon was across the hall.

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny!"

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny!"

_Knock Knock Knock_ "Penny!"

"Yeeos?" Penny said as she opened the door to her fuming neighbor. She'd been expecting this kind of reaction from him but now to experience it first hand she had to admit she'd never seen Sheldon look so perturbed—or yummy.

"Where is my chair?" he seethed.

"The chair fairy came, waved her wand and poof! It's a couch!" she said sweetly.

"You are in violation of the Friendship Agreement," he growled. "Clearly you—"

"Where does it say I can't buy a share in a couch on your behalf?"

"Because I didn't authorize such a transaction." He folded his arms across his chest. "You've not only obligated me financially to something I don't want but also cost me in available footage."

"It's no biggie. You can pay me back when you can," she said with a little smile.

"When I can— Penny, this isn't about the money."

"Sheldon, you have guests coming to the apartment and they need somewhere to sit," she explained. "Raj and Howard are not going to stand around all night."

The physicist narrowed his eyes.

"This has nothing to do with Leonard's friends. This is about you not wanting to sleep on my floor. Well let me tell you, missy, the next time you're hosting the whore of Omaha don't look to be a refugee in my home," he said crisply. Penny rolled her eyes.

"You got me Sheldon," she mock sighed. "As if I would think that your stupid lawn chair was crap for your back and butt and that getting a stupid used couch where everybody could sit would be a good idea."

"Exactly. I—" His eyes widened. "_Used?!_" He dashed back to his apartment followed by Penny.

"Sheldon, it's leather. Leonard and I sanitized it so it's okay," she soothed.

The lanky man took off his shoes and paused before stomping into the apartment proper.

"I guess there's no point spraying my feet since you're dragging any old thing into the apartment," he snapped accusingly at Leonard.

"Sheldon, we need a couch," his roommate said. "Besides it only cost a hundred dollars."

"What a great deal!" Sheldon twanged. "I'm sure the Trojans thought the same thing about the Greek horse."

"Have you even tried it?" Penny asked, irritated.

"'Have I even tried it?' Good Lord, it's a used couch and—"

"Sheldon sit!" she snapped and like that the physicist's butt was on the couch.

All eyes were on Sheldon as he wiggled his hinnie first one way and then another trying to get comfortable.

"Well?" Leonard asked.

"It's not my spot," his roommate pouted.

"Then get over there," Penny said sternly.

She glared at her friend while Sheldon glared back as he moved to the other side of the couch. He sat and again adjusted himself for comfort. Tentatively he leaned back, surprised at the comfortable padding. He put a hand on the arm rest and offered up a genuine smile.

"It's wonderful," he cooed. Penny and Leonard chuckled. "Eternal dibs on this spot still applies!"

"That's between you and your hinnie and your roomie," Penny grinned as she turned to leave. "See ya later."

"Penny wait," Leonard blurted as he got out of his chair. "Let me, uh, walk you across the hall." He cracked a smile. "It'll give Sheldon some quality alone time with his new spot."

"Regardless of what I'm sitting on it's still my spot," Sheldon said distractedly as his hand stroked the smooth surface of the arm rest. "It's my 0,0,0,0 coordinate on the Cartesian map." He closed his eyes and sighed contentedly.

"Told you it was a good idea," Penny grinned as Leonard and she walked to her door.

"You've had a while to read Sheldon. I'm still in that adorable adjustment period where I feel like I'm living in an unswept minefield."

"Well at least he keeps you on your toes. Anyhoo, I've gotta get ready for my shift."

"That's okay. I, uh, listen, I was wondering if you eat dinner." He flushed at her stare. "I mean I know that you eat dinner I mean that I realize that you're going out tonight but I was wondering if you had plans for dinner for the rest of this week or even next week I suppose."

"Got another evening shift tomorrow but Thursday's okay," said Penny.

Leonard smiled. "Then I cordially invite you for dinner on Thursday. Six-thirty okay?"

"Sure," Penny said amiably. "I like hanging out with you guys."

His smile froze. "Us guys?"

"You know, you and Sheldon." Penny chuckled as she gazed appreciatively at Leonard. "I'm so glad you moved in with him."

"Yeah?" Leonard said hopefully.

"Leonard!" came a grouchy voice from 4A.

"Just a moment!" Leonard snapped. "You were saying?" he prompted Penny.

Penny smiled encouragingly as she gave Leonard a play punch on the shoulder before closing her door. The physicist trudged back to the apartment rubbing his shoulder.

"What is it?" he asked brusquely as he closed the door.

"Someone changed the contrast of the television settings," Sheldon snapped.

"Sorry I forgot."

"Indeed," muttered Sheldon as he adjusted the settings. "This is your second strike."

"'Second strike'? Where did the first strike come from?" Leonard paused. "And what are these strikes to begin with?"

"First of all, you bought generic ketchup. Secondly, it falls under the friendship clause addendum. You said that as roommates you're in the category of semi-friend therefore you have responsibilities. Obviously you haven't studied the .pdf file I sent you of my likes and dislikes." Sheldon turned the channel to the Syfy network and put on captions before muting it. "To that end a strike is given for each infraction until you proverbially 'strike out' at three."

"And what happens then?" Leonard asked.

Sheldon made to speak but stopped short. "I'm not sure in this instance. Normally I banned Missy from my bedroom at home for one year. In this instance you're contractually my roommate so I'll have to devise something else. Perhaps a course of some kind."

Leonard rolled his eyes as he made his way to the hallway. "Yeah, sounds terrific."

"Additionally, I'd appreciate it if you'd consult me before arranging a meal with Penny."

The shorter man stiffened and turned to his roommate. From what Howard had said Sheldon said in no uncertain terms that he wasn't interested in Penny. _Did he change his mind?_

"Uh, what do you mean by that?" Leonard asked.

"I heard you," replied Sheldon, obviously unaware of Leonard's awkward tone. "You arranged dinner on Thursday at six thirty. You know I eat at six and in case I need to remind you since you seem to avoid reading your email Thursday is pizza night from Franconi's. I'll have to consult Penny regarding her topping preferences as we're already getting two pizzas due to your lactose intolerance and I'm unsure if she likes sau—"

"Sheldon, we're going out to eat." Leonard cleared his throat. "And by that I mean Penny and me. You're not coming."

"But when Penny asked for clarification regarding the dinner companions you didn't exclude me." Sheldon was unsure of what was going on. "Is this like your comments to Penny regarding the musical? Because I have to tell you she wasn't—"

Leonard sighed. "Sheldon, I asked Penny out on a date. Sort of."

"I see. Granted, I'm thankfully no expert on dating but it seems to me it's only classified as a date if both participants agree it is in fact a 'date'."

"Unless I want it to be a surprise."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Why would you want it to be a surprise?"

"Just in case she— Look, just work with me and don't tell her what's what."

"You want me to keep a secret?" twanged Sheldon. "I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a—" He blanched. "Well, that's not important."

"Sheldon, it's no biggie. Just say that you're, I dunno, having a colonoscopy that day or something," offered Leonard.

"Well that won't work."

"And why not?"

"First of all, I'd have to take two days off work; one to drink the pico salax and clean out my colon with enemas and two, for the procedure itself. I'd have to skip Halo night and new comic book night and that's unacceptable," Sheldon said firmly.

"I doubt Penny knows the procedure intimately. And besides, you don't have to use the colonoscopy idea. I was just using that as an example." Leonard smiled encouragingly. "I know you'll come up with something."

"Leonard, I won't lie to Penny."

The experimental physicist leaned heavily against the hall wall.

"Sheldon, this is probably going to be my one shot at going out with Penny. I'm nervous as hell about doing this and while I want her to know it's a date in that it's an occasion to dine I don't want her to know this is a _date_ date in case she's not interested in me because things would just be awkward between us and I don't want it to be awkward every time we pass each other in the hall. Understand?"

"I've an I.Q. of one hundred and eighty seven. Believe me I understand. I don't care, but I understand."

"Good," said a relieved Leonard.

"Leonard?"

"Yes?"

"As Penny's friend I won't tolerate you antagonizing her should things not progress the way you wish them." Sheldon's blue eyes were stern.

"Don't worry. I'll probably be under a rock." Leonard went to his room.

Sheldon sat in thought before raising the remote and resuming the television's sound.

xTBBTx

"Okay gentleman," Howard gushed as he sat down with Raj and Leonard at the lunch table. "I've rigged up a test buzzer so we can practice for the Physics Bowl. Wanna give it a try tomorrow?"

"I can't," Leonard rushed in. "I'm busy."

"Busy doing what?" asked Raj.

"I've got a date with Penny," the experimental physicist said nonchalantly.

"Really?" gasped the astrophysicist.

Howard snorted. "Yes, but is she aware it's a date?"

"Of course she is," snapped Leonard before looking sheepish. "You know, in the sense that we've agreed to dine together." Pause. "It's best if neither of you tell her. You know, it'd spoil the surprise."

"Oh you poor deluded bastard," chuckled the engineer. "You're pulling the 'bait-and-switch'."

"No I'm not," Leonard said defensively.

"Trust me, I'm the king of this. So what did you use to get her out? A trip to the spa? Free meal? Perfume?"

"Nothing like that." Leonard shrugged his shoulders. "I just said that Sheldon and I would be there."

"And yet she's coming anyways," whistled Raj. "Wow."

"It makes sense," Leonard frowned. "They're friends after all."

"Actually that makes even less sense," grinned Howard as Sheldon rounded the corner with his lunch tray.

"Sheldon!" Leonard called out as he waved his arm. His roommate walked to the table. "Come and sit with us."

"You never asked me to sit with you before," the lanky man said evenly.

"That's because we weren't a team before," Leonard explained. "And teams stick together."

"Alright—so long as I can sit in your spot."

Leonard amiably got up and the pair settled into their chairs.

"So anyways Howard jury-rigged a buzzer system to use so we were thinking of getting together this weekend to practice," he said.

"We can't on Saturday. I've a dental appointment at one thirty that you're driving me to so that shoots the day and later on it's laundry night," said Sheldon before taking a spoonful of clear broth.

"Sounds like you're getting some major work done to your teeth," said Raj before biting into his sandwich.

"Not really," replied Sheldon. "I'm getting my teeth cleaned so they have to sedate me. I'm a biter."

"Guess that makes it Sunday," said Howard. "I mean it won't kill us to skip paintball."

"You play paintball?" asked Sheldon excitedly.

"Every second Sunday," said Raj. "Why?"

"No reason." Sheldon looked intently at his spoon as it stirred his soup.

"Anyways, maybe we can ask Penny to read the questions," Leonard suggested. "I'll ask her when we're—"

"What field do you play at?" Sheldon interjected.

"Uh, usually Ambush Paintball Park in Moorpark," Raj answered.

"I see." The East Texan resumed stirring his soup.

"I'll download some questions and print them up," continued Leonard. "There's this site I found from Princeton that—"

"Do you play as a team or engage in solo play?" said Sheldon.

"As a team," replied Leonard with a smirk. "Sheldon, would you like to play paintball sometime?"

"Sunday is train day," his roommate replied before taking a sip of soup.

"So what are we going to call ourselves?" asked Raj.

"Why not the tried and true?" said Howard. "Perpetual Motion Squad unite!" Sheldon snorted. "You've got a better idea?"

"We're engaging in combat. We need something fierce," said the theoretical physicist.

"How about a Bengal tiger?" offered Raj.

"Actually, gram for gram the army ant has the greatest fighting strength."

"Ants shmants, I've got a great idea for our uniforms!" Howard blurted excitedly. "We'll use the Star Trek colors!"

Sheldon cocked his head. "That could work. I'll be command gold while you three can be support red." He didn't see the communal frowns as he continued to eat his soup.

"Yeah but Spock wears science blue," Leonard said slyly. "Wouldn't you want to be blue, too?"

"But we're in battle."

"Yes—of the mind. And who'd you rather have in charge: Kirk or Spock?"

"You're right," Sheldon nodded.

All four men gave the Vulcan salute as they chanted "Dif-tor heh smusma."

xTBBTx

Penny took a sip of her vodka and cranberry in an attempt not to appear conspicuous as she glanced around the restaurant. She'd arrived to find Leonard waiting for her at the table but no Sheldon. After a couple of awkward jokes Leonard had quickly ordered drinks and the two of them engaged in a smattering of chit-chat that was most definitely drying up.

"I'm getting hungry," Penny said. "Where did you say Sheldon was?"

"At home," the physicist sputtered. "Um, he sent me a text before you came here saying he couldn't make it. He had a colonoscopy and hasn't bounced back."

"Poor guy." The waitress pulled out her phone. "My uncle had one of those. All he said was that it wasn't fun and he's tough as a bear so it must have hurt like heck," she said as she texted Sheldon:

_Colonoscopy—ouch! :( Sorry u cant make it. Hope u feel better soon! :) P_

She put the phone in her purse. "Just dropped a line to Sheldon. So what brought that on?"

"The colonoscopy? Hard to tell."

"Wonder if he noticed a change on his poop chart?"

"I'm sure it's just routine," Leonard soothed. He thought the colonoscopy would only be a comment in passing not a source of worry for his neighbor. "I mean in the next three weeks I have to take him to the dentist, chiropodist and optometrist." Here he smiled. "In case you haven't noticed he's a bit of a hypochondriac."

"I guess. Maybe it has to do with his being alone for so long. I met his mother and she said he never really fit in."

"I can't say I'm shocked. Sheldon's a child prodigy. They're often objects of curiosity and tend to be arrogant, condescending and frighteningly brilliant."

"When I saw his fish I called it magic." Penny smirked. "Apparently I'm easy to impress with the 'softer sciences'." She took a sip of her drink. "He said it's nothing compared to particle physics. What is that?"

"It's the branch of physics that deals with the properties, relationships and interactions of subatomic particles." Leonard noted her blank look. "You know how they say everything's made up of atoms?"

"You mean molecules?"

"Actually a molecule is big compared to an atom. Molecules are constructed of two or more atoms."

"And if it's subatomic it's smaller than an atom, right?"

"Correct, although some subatomic particles have greater mass than some atoms. Uh, not that it helps clear things up." Penny and he chuckled.

"Okay, so why does Sheldon call himself a theoretical physicist?"

"That's his job. Theoretical physics uses mathematical models to explain and predict natural phenomena. I believe Sheldon's focus is on the early universe."

"You mean how the universe was created?"

"Yeah."

"Wow." She took another sip as she absorbed the information. "So what do you do?"

"As an experimental physicist I design and conduct experiments to examine natural phenomena that ultimately prove or disprove theories." He cracked a smile. "Plus I get to work with lasers."

"Cool."

"It is, isn't it?"

Penny ran the tip of her finger along the edge of her glass. "So this Dennis kid, he's a physicist like Sheldon?"

"Yeah. The university is pleased as punch to land him."

"Is he really better than Sheldon?"

"Hard to tell," shrugged Leonard. "I mean some prodigies flourish in their early years only to fizzle out later on. In Sheldon's case he has a pretty steady output and his overall body of work is impressive."

"So he's just freaking out over nothing?"

"Sheldon's got all the markings of a perfectionist. Everything in his life is controlled and precise." He smirked. "I mean every item in our apartment has a label on it."

Penny laughed. "I know! Frea-ky." They both giggled. "I've never met anyone like him."

"Only one Sheldon Cooper per universe."

Her face became serious. "He told me that I'm his first friend. Like ever."

"It's really nice of you to care for him."

"It's just so much pressure. I mean what if I screw up and he locks himself away?" She smiled appreciatively. "Of course this time he's got a roommate."

"For better or for the Roommate Agreement," sighed Leonard.

"God, I thought it was only me with the Friendship Agreement." Penny suddenly gave the physicist a light swat on the arm. "That reminds me, if you give him any more stupid ideas about friendships I'll clobber you."

"What?"

"He told me about what you guys really thought of the musical."

"Oh."

"I'm not made of glass, Leonard."

"Noted."

"Good." She gave him a wink. "Just try to be a little less brutal than Sheldon."

"He probably didn't think he was."

"Yup. He's really kinda awkward about things like this."

"It's typical."

"Quirky genius thing, huh?"

"Actually I was thinking that he more than likely places on the autism spectrum. Probably Aspergers syndrome."

"Oh," blanched Penny. "I just thought…."

Silence.

"It's a good thought," Leonard pressed on, trying to lighten the mood. "I had a lot of problems at school. Between the advanced placement classes, cello lessons and being named 'Le-nerd' it's hard to believe I didn't have people lined around the block trying to be my friend."

"Huh." Penny shook her head. "I've always made lots of friends wherever I was."

"It must be your natural charm," grinned Leonard.

"That and I can hold my liquor and twerk like an electrified octopus," she laughed.

"Twerk?"

Penny raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Um, yes?"

"Try Youtube. It's better seen than explained." She snorted. "Or ask Howard. He'd probably know."

"I'll do that. Uh, check Youtube."

They both began flipping through the menu.

"So how do you know about the autism stuff?" she asked nonchalantly.

"My mother's a psychiatrist and neurobiologist."

"Wow."

"Yeah. She was quite excited when I told her about Sheldon."

"She wants to meet him?"

"She wants to scan his brain."

Penny grinned. "Sounds like something he'd be into."

"I haven't told him yet but, yeah, I think he'll be game," agreed Leonard.

"Maybe you can send it to your mom for Christmas."

"Actually we don't celebrate Christmas."

"Ah. Religious reasons or don't believe?"

"Aside from being a household of atheists my mother felt that perpetuating the delusion of Santa Claus was detrimental to my overall growth and wellbeing."

Penny looked up from her menu in shock. "You're kidding."

Leonard gave a big ol' grin. "Wait until I tell you her opinion of birthdays…."

XxX

The elevator doors opened and Penny and Leonard stepped out to their floor.

"I'll just pop in and say hey to Sheldon," she said as she followed the physicist to his apartment.

"Uh, sure." He opened the door to find his roommate sitting on the couch watching television.

"Hi sweetie," Penny said soothingly. "How are you feeling?"

"Uncomfortable but recovering," Sheldon replied as he turned up the volume with the remote.

"Okay, well, I'll see you guys later." She gave Leonard a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for dinner."

"You're welcome," he said dazedly as he closed the door. He hummed softly to himself as he took off his shoes and sprayed his feet.

Sheldon muted the television. "So how was your date?"

"Awesome!" gushed Leonard. "We talked and laughed and she's just perfect."

"She talks with her mouth full."

"I never noticed."

"I'm not surprised," snorted Sheldon.

Leonard walked to the couch.

"So how was the colonoscopy?" he asked.

"No polyps," said the East Texan as he gingerly adjusted himself on the fluffy pillow underneath his buttocks.

"You know you could've just lied," said Leonard, garnering a scowl. "Still, no cancer for you and a first date under my belt. Things worked out great for everyone." He went to his room.

"As long as you like having a camera up your rectum," muttered Sheldon as he unmuted the television.

xTBBTx

Penny walked down the university hallway looking for lecture hall 'C'. She stepped into the room and immediately got a déjà vu feeling of the comic shop with conversations grinding to a halt as the male occupants took in her low-cut flowered halter tied sun dress and sandals. She smiled awkwardly until her eyes met the clear blue orbs of a positively scrumptious man standing next to a shorter woman with curly hair and glasses. She gravitated to him and he stepped away from his disgruntled companion.

"Hey," Penny smiled.

"Hello there," he replied with a friendly, but definitely interested, grin. "Dave Underhill."

"Penny." She glanced around the room. "Have you seen Dr. Sheldon Cooper?"

"You mean Dumbass?" scoffed Leslie as she came up to the pair. Penny pursed her lips as the two women exchanged smarmy smiles.

"You're friends with him?" asked Dave as his eyes continued to devour Penny's body.

"Yup." The Nebraskan's eyes flickered to Leslie and then back to Dave. "Friend?"

"Colleague," he amended.

"With benefits," Leslie added, much to Dave's annoyance.

"Wew hewwo thewe," came a whistle from behind, causing Penny to look around. "You know this wushious woman?" the brown-haired man said to Dave even as he stepped into her personal space. "Bawwy Kwipke."

"Penny," she said with a strained smile as she stepped back. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted her boys come through the door wearing their blue, gold and two red Star Trek uniform shirts stamped with 'AA' over the heart. They saw her and immediately Sheldon marched over followed by Leonard, Raj and Howard.

"I see you've met the enemy," Sheldon said formally.

"You're the other team?" Penny gasped to Dave.

"Hewe tew destwoy," Kripke grinned.

"Hewe to what? Kiww a wabbit?" sing-songed a young man's voice. Barry scowled as Dennis Kim came to the group. "Dr. Cooper," he said with a slick smile. "Ready to be humiliated or are you planning on forfeiting?"

"Mr. Kim," Sheldon replied crisply. "No, we're not forfeiting. In fact I'd suggest you forfeit before you get the proverbial public pantsing."

"You were warned," Dennis sniffed before cutting through the group to go to his table. Kripke followed, albeit with a sour look on his face.

Leslie leaned over to Raj.

"I'll be listening to every word you say with baited breath," she grinned evilly. The astrophysicist swallowed nervously as she winked at him.

"I'll talk to you later," Dave said to Penny before Leslie and he departed.

"So you know Dave. Great," Leonard sighed with a weak smile before turning away and pouting.

"You realize that fraternizing with the enemy is a court martial offence?" tsked Sheldon. "Really Penny."

"Sorry Sarge," his neighbor saluted with a smirk.

"Commander. Spock was a commander." Pause. "And Star Trek takes place on a ship. There are no sergeants in the naval structure. If anything I would be a petty officer."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Dr. Gablehauser said loudly. "If you can take your seats we'll begin."

"Kick their asses," Penny said as she gave Sheldon a friendly punch on his arm. He nodded and the boys went to their table and sat. The waitress noted Dave staring at her and she smiled back before taking a seat in the front row.

"Alright," Gablehauser grinned. "We now begin the preliminary round of the two thousand and six Physics Bowl pairing AA versus DM."

"Dungeon Masters? What geeks," scoffed Howard.

"Dark Matters," Dave corrected.

"Not that clever," Leonard sniffed.

"At least I could find it," Dave shot back. "What have you been doing over the past two years?" The bespectacled physicist looked away.

"If we're ready to begin?" Gablehauser asked. Both teams readied themselves with the buzzers. "First question for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson?" *Buzz* "DM?"

"The Eta Meson," said Dennis, who then smiled broadly at Sheldon.

"Correct. Next, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope?" *Buzz* "AA?"

"And of course the answer is Technetium," Sheldon said crisply as he glared at his Korean nemesis.

"Excellent. Next question, for twenty points, how does a quantum computer factor large numbers?" *Buzz* "DM?"

"Show's Awgowythm," said Kripke.

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect. AA?" *Buzz*

"Shor's Algorithm," said Howard.

"That's right."

"That's what I said!" snapped Kripke. "I pwotest!"

"Noted," Gablehauser said. He raised his eyebrows slightly and continued with the contest. "For twenty points, what is the force between two charged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuations?" *Buzz* "DM?"

Dave was about to answer but stopped short as Penny took this time to cross her legs causing her dress to rise up over her knees.

"The Casimir Effect," growled Leslie before elbowing her partner.

_Interesting_. Penny flashed a devastating smile at Dave. Leslie saw it and turned to catch the look of displeasure on Leonard's face as he, too, noted where Penny's attention lay. Beside him Howard smirked broadly at Leslie before wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. The optical physicist rolled her eyes and continued with the game.

XxX

"Please refer to the screen," said Gablehauser. "Now for thirty points, choose the pair in which the physical quantities do not have identical dimension." *Buzz* "AA?"

"Impulse and moment of force," said Leonard with a scowl as he took in Penny giving Dave a sexy smirk.

"Correct. For twenty five points find the maximum velocity for the overturn of a car moving on a circular track of radius 100 m. The co-efficient of friction between the road and tire is 0.2." *Buzz* "DM?"

"Fourteen meters per second," said Dennis. "Childish question."

"Considering you're under the age of eighteen you'd be aware of that," sniped Sheldon.

"Ooo, ouch," snorted Leslie. Gablehauser cleared his throat.

"Twenty points. Lux is the SI unit of what?" *Buzz* "AA?"

"The SI unit of intensity of illumination," said Sheldon. "An illuminance of 1.0 lux is produced by 1.0 lumen of light shining on an area of 1.0 m^2."

"Correct," said Gablehauser.

"Of course it is," the lanky man replied.

XxX

Penny heaved her chest in an over-exaggerated sigh, noting that she had Dave, Howard and Leonard's full attention. Raj was too busy pouting while Kripke sat with a very sour look on his face. Only two of his answers had been accepted even though he knew all his answers were correct. Leslie had managed to answer a few more questions but overall the game had turned into a grudge match between Sheldon and Dennis. The Nebraskan realized that her actions took the rest of her team out of commission but after watching how confidently and quickly Sheldon answered the questions she figured he could more than handle himself.

"Prevosts's theory of exchange," answered Sheldon.

"Correct," said Gablehauser. "For twenty points, one thousand microns is equal to what?" *Buzz* "DM?"

"Ten to the negative three meters," said Dennis.

"Correct. Now for thirty points, Sir C.V. Raman was awarded the Nobel Prize for his work connected with which of the following phenomenon of radiation?" *Buzz* "AA?"

"Scattering," replied Sheldon.

Gablehauser nodded. "Correct. Twenty points. What is the moment of inertia?" *Buzz* "DM?"

"Tensor," said Dennis.

"Correct. Why are railway tracks banked on curves?" *Buzz* "AA?"

"So that the necessary centripetal force may be obtained from the horizontal component of the weight of the train," explained Sheldon.

"I can't believe we're answering questions about stupid trains," said Dennis with a shake of the head.

"_Excuse me_ but trains aren't 'stupid'." Here Sheldon used air quotes. "They are a dependable means of transport since their conception hundreds of years ago."

"'Hundreds of years'," Dennis guffawed. "Is that what they call the eighteenth century nowadays?"

"For your information trains have been in use since the sixteenth century when crude railroads operated in the underground coal and iron ore mines of Europe. These systems consisted of two wooden rails that extended into the—"

"Blah, blah, blah," chided Dennis. "Still a lame physics topic."

"Lame?! _Lame?_" Sheldon said shrilly.

"Gentlemen," warned Gablehauser.

"Physics is intrinsically involved with trains. Trains deal with centripetal force and friction and the point at which a train leaving from Chicago towards Atlanta going twenty meters per second intersects with a train leaving from Atlanta going to Chicago at twenty five meters per second," snapped Sheldon.

"I thought that was the subject of your latest paper?" Dennis laughed.

"Well, obviously you were misinformed. It was on incorporating gravity into mirror symmetry."

"Wasn't that filed in the library under fiction? Look, I'm glad you're filling in the little details in particle physics but stay out of the big league stuff before you embarrass yourself."

"_Embarrass_ myself?!" Sheldon roared as he stood.

Dennis also got out of his seat. "You didn't even know to use a Lorentz invariant."

"I was busy determining how three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons."

"Not bad. All you've got left is identical particles, chiral fermions and gravity and you might actually have a theory worth reading."

"Which I'm doing as we speak."

"No, I believe you're losing a Physics Bowl as we speak," Dennis said with a smarmy smile.

"Then it seems only one of us can multitask," sniffed Sheldon. "While answering my questions with one hundred percent accuracy I've also marked out local bosonic models with the property that when strings end or change string type in empty space, the system incurs a finite energy penalty."

"Nonsense," scoffed the Korean wunderkind. "Each local bosonic degree of freedom fluctuates independently and the physics is better described by individual spins than extended objects. It's basic physics—or is even that giving you trouble?"

Sheldon's hands curled into tight fists. "No, energetic constraints force the local bosonic degrees of freedom on the lattice sites to organize into effective extended objects. The low energy physics is then described by the fluctuations of these effective string nets. Such fluctuations can capture minute amounts of information like that streaming from…a…black hole…."

The room was silent.

The East Texan darted from the room.

"Don't go after him," Leonard said to Penny as she made to get up.

"He's just resolved the black hole information paradox," said an awestruck Raj before realizing where he was and clamped a hand over his mouth.

Gablehauser cleared his throat. "It seems as though you're down a man," he said to Leonard. "Therefore the winner by disqualification is DM."

There was one or two claps from the crowd but for the most part people were still chattering about what had just occurred. The rest of the players got up from their chairs and mingled. Leonard was disappointed that Penny was talking with Dave.

"Looks like both your ex-girlfriend and imaginary girlfriend are going to hook up tonight," said Raj as he pointed his chin at Howard and Leslie.

"Shut up, Raj." scowled Leonard as Dennis Kim walked by seemingly in a daze. "Good game, Dennis."

"Hardly," Dennis replied. "It was a juvenile night with stupid questions and stupid answers from a stupid theoretical physicist."

Raj gave a kick-ass grin. "Who just resolved the black hole information paradox."

"Which goes to prove that anyone can get lucky." The teenager stalked off; Raj noted that he took in Penny's long legs as he passed by and out the door.

"What an arrogant jackass," said Leonard. He shook his head. "And now we get to put up with him for the foreseeable future."

"Not necessarily," Raj said slowly. Leonard turned to his friend. "How many people at the university do you think have daughters around fifteen years old?" the astrophysicist said with a twinkle in his eyes.

XxX

"Are you sure it's okay leaving him there?" Penny asked as Leonard drove them home.

"Sheldon won't go until he gets things worked out," he replied. "It's okay. We sometimes sleep in our office." He paused so as to appear casual. "So you and Dave Underhill, huh?"

"Well he is kinda cute—for a married guy."

"Married?"

"Yeah, Leslie came over and wanted to send her regards to his wife." Leonard smiled.

"Well that was nice of her."

"Yeah," grinned Penny knowingly. "Besides, I'd have to cancel my date with Mike."

Leonard's stomach sank. "Mike?"

"Some guy I met at the beach," said Penny as she curled a lock of hair with her finger. "You know the usual type: tall, muscled, good looking with money."

"Yeah." Pause. "That gets kinda old don't you think?" the physicist smirked.

Penny chuckled.

xTBBTx

***There's a lot going on atm so my next post won't be for a while. I'm sorry for the delay and will try to get back to this story as soon as possible. Thanks for reading and for your patience. *Lynn

Author's Note: The last section where Sheldon notes the string-net condensate's ability to capture information from black holes is complete bunk on my part.

Wikipedia: Particle Physics; Theoretical Physicist

Indiabixcom: Physics questions

Answerscom: How long have trains been around?

Yahooanswers: Two trains intersect

Daomitedu: A unification of light and electrons through string-net condensation in spin models


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